Just had my eyes opened to my mum’s HPD

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Hello everyone,

I am so happy to have found this forum! I have for a long time thought that there was something not quite right with my mum (other adults, and even children, never seemed to have so much anxiety and guilt associated with their parents!). But it's all really come to a heed when she sent me a pretty hateful email a couple of years ago, reacting very intensely to what I now realize was me trying to set healthy boundaries. I had emailed her to say that my husband and I would stay in a hotel, rather than with her, when we visit her. Her reaction was so irrational, she threatened to break off all contact with me should I really do that. In hindsight, maybe I should have accepted her "offer"... So of course I caved, we stayed with her, and it was emotionally draining and unsatisfactory on all sides.

Now I am pregnant, due with our first child in five weeks. A few days ago, she sent me another pretty hateful email, cloaked in words of "I'm trying to better our relationship", in which she called me arrogant and made me solely responsible for all of our issues and communications problems. I have since been very angry that - yet again - everything has to be about her, when my husband and I are about to go through the biggest change in our lives!

I'm happy to say that I have a friend who - only a few days earlier - had suggested to me that my mum might have a PD. Since getting her email, I have also sought the help of a counselor. After doing some research and talking it through with the counselor, I have come to the realization that mum has histrionic personally disorder (with some overlaps with other PDs of course).

Suddenly, so much of her behavior - especially her inability to focus on anything or anyone other than herself - has become so much clearer!

I have now begun the difficult work of trying to figure out what boundaries I need and how I can set them, especially as I want to both protect my daughter but also potentially not deprive her of her grandmother (though the jury is still out on that one!).

I would be so grateful for any tips and hints from others who have gone through something similar with a close relation with HPD or other PDS!

I look forward to engaging!☺️

[Summer Sun]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, although sorry for the circumstances which brought you here.  Dealing with PD relationships can be so confusing, frustrating and even heart breaking.  It is good you have reached out for support and to deepen one's knowledge and understanding of PD's is helpful and empowering.

Check out the traits and behaviors section, as well, the toolbox which will offer some great suggestions, what to do, what not to do.  It is important to know the 3 C's.  You did not create it, can't control it, nor cure it.  Many of us here focus on adjusting our own behaviors and responses, self growth and healing.

Settle in, look around, we look forward to your engaging!

Summer Sun

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Thank you so much for your response! Heart breaking is a good description and I guess one of the first steps will be to accept that it won't change and that the relationship we thought we could have with that person will never materialize. Thank you also for telling me about the three C's, that seems like a good mantra!