Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?

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Associate of Daniel

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Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« on: February 21, 2019, 11:00:24 PM »
Background:

Ds12 attends a medical practioner of his uNPD father's (read: uNPD Smum's) choosing.

It is a 45min to an hour's drive one way from my place in peak hour traffic. Appointments are spasmodic. I take ds to appointments after school (on my time). His uNPD father(read: uNPD Smum) takes him on the weekends. (His time)

It's time for another apointment.  Ds has told me he doesn't want to go after school cos of the long drive. He wants his uNPD father to take him as it's closer from his house.

I email uNPD exH, asking that he set up an appointment on his time as ds has requested it. I don't mention ds's reason (travel time) as uNPD exH will say that it's me who doesn't want to do the driving and I shouldn't put words in ds's mouth.

I get an email back essentially saying that I shouldn't try to pass the buck to him because it's inconvenient to me to co parent.   :stars:

No word of whether or not he will make an appointment. Just criticism for - I'm not sure what.

Is this the sort of thing you folk deal with?

Such a simple thing will now devolve into uNPD exH not telling me whether or not he'll make an appointment, when the maybe appointment will be, me having to contact the clinic after a time to ask if an appointment has been made, ds waiting and waiting - and me just looking like a bad parent cos I don't know what's going on.

So frustrating.  Is it just my uNPD exH? Or yours too?

AOD

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Rose1

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2019, 02:22:12 AM »
"Noted. I will pass on to ds your response".  This will probably continue. As your ds gets older its best imo to let him start to deal with the frustration of life with father (sm). That way he will understand what you have dealt with and be able to see through the inevitable "your mother won't" comments. At least that's what happened with my daughters.

It's ok for your ds to ask his father to take him on a weekend and not after school. It's a reasonable request.  If the answer is the usual rant direct to your ds then he can come back and ask you. If his father makes an appointment then the answer is "I've been, I didn't think you wanted to do it". Just total no reaction, no jade, take the pd at their word. Imo a very valuable lesson for your ds to learn. Btw I found that my daughters didn't put up with nearly as much of this as I felt I needed to.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2019, 04:54:29 AM »
Thanks, Rose1.

I agree on letting ds deal with his father more as he gets older, and in several things that's happening. Ds is, as a result, starting to see his father and (to a point) his smum for what they are.

The difficulty here is that I don't know what to tell ds.  He knows I've emailed his father about the need for an appointment but he doesn't yet know what the response was.

And I don't even KNOW what the response was. His father hasn't said whether of not he'll make an appointment. All he's done is abuse me.

This appointment really needs to happen soon. Ds is reluctant to go so he's not likely to follow it up with his father.

I need to time my responses.  Usually uNPD exH doesn't respond when I ask if he's made medical appointments. After a few requests that I receive no acknowledgement of, I make a booking. I let uNPD exH know date and time. I then find out from ds that he's been to a different practitioner or is going to one. So I try to cancel my booking.

Alternatively, I take ds to my booking, uNPD exH doesn't show, I send a report to him about the appointment, then later I find out that ds has been taken to another practitiiner for a "2nd opinion" which of course turns out to be "better" than the one I got. (And a gazillion miles away from where ds and I live.)

Poor ds, being dragged to unnecessary appointments.

But ds still thinks that the practitioners his uNPD Father (uNPD Smum) take him to are "better" than the ones I take him to.

He doesn't like the travelling but insists that he continues going to them.  It might be fear of upsetting his uNPD father and uNPD smum. Or he might be still drinking the cool aid.

Does anyone have any further suggestions as to how to handle these situations?

I think I should have just persevered and convinced ds to go with me and just let uNPD exH know the appointment details.

AOD

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HotCocoa

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2019, 10:20:22 AM »
aod - I'm so sorry.  I think n's have the same playbook.  I would get texts back where I actually have to do something, and not just sit around doing nothing while he does everything.  I work full time and took on two kids 90-100% of the time.  But yet, according to him, asking a request of him meant I really do nothing for the children.
I am currently working through an issue where I told him he HAD to do it, that it was HIS responsibility and I wasn't going to.  I got back a nasty response and I still said it didn't matter, I expected him to get it done and pay for it.
So his response was....he's gone dark.  No texts or emails.  He now just texts my child and that child reports it back to me. 
So all his crap about me not co-parenting falls in his lap.  They never want to pick up slack.  I've honestly never met someone who can think about his needs above everything else to the point that it is so toxic to deal with.
Hang in there and try to stay calm.  All responses should be met with you still expect him to do that for your son.  Always keep it about him.
Good luck.
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2019, 11:15:26 AM »
what about, "Thanks for your response.  As this will now be my responsibility, I will find a practitioner close to my home"

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anxiousmom

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2019, 12:01:23 PM »
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I am going through the same thing right now. One reasonable, civil request is blown completely out of proportion because the N thrives on chaos and, honestly, I don't think they can even comprehend how anything affects anyone but themselves.

My situation is here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=77449.20
But the latest is very similar to what you are saying.

For 2 years (since divorce) I had bent over backwards trying to accommodate and satisfy him to keep the peace, which included agreeing to last minute requests for visitation not awarded to him in the decree. The decree gave him one evening visit during the week, I let him come and go several times a week, often the requests were made the same afternoon.

Well, since he has sued me it has become chaos and I am trying to create a sense of order, as that would of course be in the best interest of our child.

I emailed him a very reasonable request: Would you consider sending me the dates you would like to see our child each week on the Sunday before so that we can plan ahead?

I got back a very dramatic response that he could send me some days, but that HIS work/travel schedule changes last minute and that it is in our child's best interest to spend time with his father even if it was untimely or inconvenient for his mother.

So, to boil it all down, my request: "I want to still give you more time, but let's plan ahead."
His response: "It is your duty to accommodate ME whenever I require it."

It just makes my head spin, how masterfully they are able to escalate things and turn it into complete chaos as if you are the unreasonable one.

You are not. I am not. We are dealing with people who lack the ability to see situations from outside themselves.

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Rose1

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2019, 04:01:10 AM »
Frustrating. I would talk to ds and ask straight out what he prefers. Travel or a doctor closer to you. If he says travel then tell him he needs to arrange it with his father. If he misses an appointment I would still let his father deal with it. Thus is about Messing with your life as much as possible and if you can take yourself out as middle man it lessens (good for you already starting down that track).

If ds decides he wants less travel time then he will have to be happy with a doctor close to you. Can't have it both ways. Your ex is well aware that driving all over the place is time wasting and expensive. That's why he does it.

It might take ds a while to understand this but he needs to work with you as you both get older so you have energy for fun things not just for running around.

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cant turn back

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2019, 01:07:43 PM »
I deal with similar stuff here.  My DD15 has seen a therapist a few times, at my request, against my ExHís preference (itís too risky for him if DD15 starts talking).  My DD15 hated it and was likely reinforced to not go via ExHís manipulation of her.  Iím the one who took her to previous appointments as ExH refused to participate, despite the therapist stated desire for both of us to attend and meet with her.  (He generally avoids any situation in which he has to come face to face with me, even though this would certainly have been in our DD15ís best interests).  In November ExH phoned the therapist, even though the court had imposed a caveat that neither of us are to speak privately with the therapist.  After that phone call the therapist discontinued future appointments stating that our DD15 was fine and since she didnít want to go she shouldnít be made to go.  I then phoned the therapist and expressed my displeasure, giving my two cents.  The therapist seemed to now Ďget ití.  The therapist said to bring DD15 back in February for a check-in, at which she also wanted ExH and I to prepare a written update for her as to DD15ís wellbeing.  My ExH hit the roof, upset that DD15 had to go back again. But, he said he would schedule the appointment during his custodial time and take DD15 and ďhave your written statement readyĒ.  I easily agreed since I had taken DD15 to the previous appointments.  Of course no word from ExH whatsoever re the scheduling of the appointment (while I of course keep him up to date on all appointments).  On Feb 5 as Iím getting ready for work in the morning, and as DD15 is with her dad for his week, I get a phone call from the therapists office in which they tell me they have to cancel DD15ís appointment that is scheduled for this day as the therapist is out sick.
Thank you universe for that little gift.
I emailed my ExH to let him know the appointment was cancelled.  No reply whatsoever from him.  He knows he got caught and he knows that I will now be preparing my written update.. which I do promptly and I hand deliver it 24 hours later to the therapist. 
Of course after that transpired there is an increase of antagonism via email.  My ExHís typical MO is no communication with me whatsoever, which makes things difficult as co-parenting and 50/50 custody does require some communication.  Instead I get 1 or 2 sentence replies to inquiries which are not helpful answers but rather dismissive statements which highlight a lacking of cooperation.  ExH prefers to go through our DD15 to communicate with me. 
Itís completely maddening, but, I know I donít have to go into a full commentary here about that as you all get it and are living it too. 


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athene1399

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2019, 12:43:45 PM »
I agree with SL. If your ex won't make the appointment on a day/time that is convenient to take DS then make an apt at a place closer to where you live on a day you have DS.

We've always had problems with appointments, but for other reasons. It was still super aggravating. Especially how they always put the kids in the middle and blame the non parent. I feel for you. I hope things get better.

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Rose1

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2019, 06:10:56 AM »
On the plus side of you end up in court over school you can use the non communication as a reason why changing school would be unworkable

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2019, 07:48:48 AM »
I guess so, Rose1.

I received another email from uNPD exH. He says he will make an appointment when ds is ready

Ds says he's feeling "70% ready but wants to get to 90%".  Hmmm. Methinks some words have been put in his mouth.

I'll keep working with him, I guess but he really needs to go soon.

AOD

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Rose1

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Re: Is it just my uNPD exH, or yours too?
« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2019, 10:09:35 AM »
 Could be that your ds is also showing signs of independence. That's a good thing imo. Allows you to reduce being the middle man and also often reduces the interest of the pd parent/step as supply is reduced. Particularly as he is starting to see the issues.