Is it just me?

[mayaberry]

So I've been friends with a colleague for 11 years. She attended my wedding, which was a small affair and I thought we were good friends. She is always someone I have had to make allowances for. She is quite narcissistic, she likes to be the centre of attention, she likes to be a martyr at times and she can be difficult to get a word in with sometimes but most people who know her have just accepted that's who she is.
In the past couple of years though, I feel I've seen a different side to her and I feel like I've suddenly been shut out because maybe she felt I had got ahead of myself. She has worked where we both work for a year more than me. She's loud and opinionated and younger members of staff look up to her. Those who have been there longer know that she is a nightmare to work jointly with and most of us accepted that as a friend she is fine but as a colleague a nightmare. Anyway, I was promoted two years ago which meant I became a manger in her team. She didn't apply for the post but I almost immediately felt that she was annoyed that I had taken this position above her even though she didn't apply for it anyway. Our relationship began to change. She distanced herself from me a bit, she stopped sending me messages on fb and instead set up groups with other people. She began meeting people for lunch and after work and no longer inviting me etc. It hurt but I got on with it. I did feel sad that she felt she had to exclude me since my promotion and I got the feeling that she was stirring things with other colleagues. Outwardly though we were still friends.
A few months ago her partner died. He was very young and it was very sudden. I was upset about it and as far as I was concerned, supported her as best I could. I sent messages, I responded whenever she messaged me. I met up with her whenever she felt able to do that. But within that, there were some odd things. She arranged lots of individual meetings with groups of people but then complained about all the people she had to meet, as if she didnt want to do it but felt obliged. The reality was that she had instigated all of these meet ups and I was a bit annoyed to hear her talking like that. If she didn't want to see us then that's fine, but don't be mean about meeting people who you have asked to meet.
Along with that she dropped in to work on several occasions but would rarely tell me she was coming in. On a couple of occasions she came in late at night, spent ages talking to other colleagues and then looked a bit annoyed when I had to leave before she had decided she was going to speak to me.
So anyway, a memorial service was arranged this weekend for her partner. I was invited along with some other people from work. A couple of nights ago she came in to work late to use the printer and asked me to proof read something she had written for the service before she printed it out. I had loads of work to do but this was important so I stayed behind for two hours helping her with this, supporting her and catching up. I stayed behind after that and caught up on family issues she was having and everything seemed fine.
Then it was time for the service. It actually fell on my nephews first birthday but I didn't want to miss the service. So I only saw my nephew for a couple of hours and then we headed off on over an hours drive to attend the memorial.
First of all, she didn't really speak to me or my partner much but I understood that as she was flitting round everyone and we were happy talking to colleagues. But then suddenly she appeared with several hand written cards and envelopes. She came in to the room where we were and said "don't get excited, not everyone is getting one" and proceeded to hand out cards to people who she had clearly designated as the most important/supportive and then left the room again.
I just found it really offensive. I felt like I'd been slapped. I felt like she hadn't valued any of the support I'd given her or did she feel that I hadn't given her enough support? I felt annoyed that she cared so little yet I had missed my nephews birthday to support her and it felt like it had been thrown back in my face. It felt like she was trying to make a point. She could have done that privately and no one else would have known. I felt that the fact she made a point of doing this in front of everyone, and the way she said not everyone was getting, made it feel like she wanted us to know that we weren't getting a card because we hadn't done enough. We hadn't gone out of our way enough. These were people who had done no more or no less than anyone else. It really upset me.
I don't know if I'm reading too much in to this. Am I over reacting? Does anyone else find it an odd thing to do? Was she really trying to make a point?

[psychology.student]

I think you shouldn't help her anymore. Put yourself and your family first. I don't think you're overreacting. She clearly doesn't appreciate you. When she asks you for a favor next time, tell her you have other things to do. Don't waste your time on people like that. I understand you probably want to have good relationship with your work colleagues, but if someone is acting rudely, you don't have to be nice to them.

[mayaberry]

Thanks psychology student. I think it hurt more because its the realisation that your friend isn't really your friend. I understand that she's grieving but I just found the way she did it rude and offensive. Not just to me either but to people who I know have also been there for her a lot. As I said, it felt like a slap in the face. You're right, I'm just going to have to let her go and stop trying to keep the friendship that was, rather than the friendship that now is. Thank you for getting back to me.

[clara]

Handing out those cards was an astonishingly rude thing to do, and so obvious in its theatricality (really--who would think of doing something like that when they're grieving?) but I suspect the reason she did it was not only to put you in your "place" but also to put you on notice that, in future, you should do more for her.  She likely regarded this action as a type of motivator, kind of like how the boss gives raises to the best performers.  She wants you to work "harder" in the future on your relationship with her, and I also suspect those other people didn't give near the effort you did.  She wasn't actually rewarding them, she was admonishing you, and this was the manner in which she did it.  She hopes that from now on you'll make an even greater effort in order to get that same "reward" and recognition.  Never forget how highly manipulative PDs can be.  I absolutely agree with psychology student--keep the relationship professional but not personal.  She's not a "friend" worth having. 

[mayaberry]

Thanks Clara. Yes, you've highlighted exactly how I felt about the situation. I felt that I'd been punished. You're also totally right about how theatrical it was, it absolutely felt like a performance. The thing is, knowing her as I do, she never does a single thing without going through all of the possible outcomes and consequences. Shes notorious for having to talk through every single decision. I realised a long time ago that its not because of anxiety or any genuine worry, it's just because it keeps what she's doing as the main focus and allows her to talk about herself constantly. Everyone knows this about her and accepts it as a quirk. So there is no way she hadn't considered exactly how she would present those cards and exactly what she would say and how someone would feel.
The thing is that when I stayed behind with her helping her out the other night, she had been talking about a relative that she was annoyed with because they reacted badly to something she had said (a completely unreasonable request which most of us told her was unreasonable). Anyway even though she was furious at this relative for answering her back she went on to say that she had sent lots of messages to them afterwards trying to get them back on side. Myself and another friend had discussed it and were confused about that. Why, when she hates them and she genuinely believes in what she had asked of them, was she so concerned with getting them back on side and bombarding them with messages? I came to the realisation that it was because she needed them to like her. Yet, it didn't matter that she doesn't like them. It was just about how they felt about her. When we discussed it, we realised that there were other people we could identify her doing this with. For example, a colleague who she really dislikes yet she is always overly nice to her to her face and was really angry at the idea that actually this colleague might not like her either.
So, it sort of made me wonder whether I also fall in to this category. Is our relationship just about me liking her, and actually it's not mutual at all. It saddened me that actually I'd probably never know but there was a real chance that it was true.
She actually dropped in to work again last night with some food that had been left over from the service. I found that odd. I wouldn't want to be turning up at work and having to hand out food explaining where it had come from. She came in to the room where I was because I happened to be the first person she came across but it was very one sided. She just grilled me on how I thought the service had gone and did I think that other people thought it was OK etc. It just felt odd. It felt like I was supposed to give it some sort of review and tell her how well she had done. I was civil but didn't go over the top. She left pretty abruptly and found other people to do the same thing to. When she realised that we were working and weren't going to drop everything, she then left pretty quickly.
It was a bit awkward though because a mutual friend asked if I was going to get in touch with her that night. He said just to check how she was. He said he felt she might open up more to me.
I didn't contact her. But now I'm going to have to think of an excuse for it if our friend asks today. It's so complicated. I don't think he's someone who would understand about the card situation and I don't want to seem petty and cruel. He totally idolises her.

[clara]

If the concerned mutual friend asks about her, just tell him no, you didn't contact her and no, you don't think she'd be more receptive to you than him.  Leave it at that.  If he wants further information, he can ask himself.

No relationship should be one-sided, otherwise it's not really a relationship.  I have a casual friend who is also one of those people who seem to want others to have a relationship with her, wants others to care about her, but doesn't make any effort or show interest towards them.  She often won't even speak to you, but gets worried (and probably offended) if you don't speak to her.  She doesn't seem to see the connection between her behavior towards others and their behavior towards her.  In a way, it's a show of narcissism because she wants attention but won't give it to others, and interactions are totally on her terms.  Most of the time, when she expresses herself it's to complain about something.  Then she worries if people like her (according to a mutual friend who is fairly close to her).  It's a dysfunctional social dynamic and I suspect people like her (and your friend) don't understand that it's dysfunctional.   Unfortunately, you're in a work situation so you have interact with her, but you can slowly gray-rock her.  She'll probably try to guilt you back into being friendly with her (possibly by saying things like, what's the matter--don't you like me any more?) but you can just say you're busy, got things on your mind etc.  She has to get her supply from somewhere so will eventually move on.

[mayaberry]

Yes, you've described her exactly. There's been a couple more things in the past few days. First of all she contacted me to send me a link to a photo montage that had been made of her partner that was meant to be shown at the service but wasn't. That was fine and it was nice to see it. I responded appropriately but got this huge detailed response back about her emotions and how she was feeling. Initially I started to feel bad about doubting her motives over the past while but then I realised that the entire response had been copied and pasted from messages to other people! It was very formal and she had a bit about how she hoped I had found the time to read the story she had written. Well, this was the story that I proof read for her! So I knew something was up at that point. Then it ended with how she hoped we were all well and that she would see us soon. Who exactly is all? I was so annoyed. I get that she maybe has lots of people messaging at the moment. Don't respond then. But to send a copied message that she hadn't even read through just felt really off. I responded jokingly saying that of course I had read it as I proof read it. She pretended that she was just so forgetful at the moment! No, you just couldn't be bothered responding. Thing is, I hadn't asked for that. I was responding to a message she had instigated in the first place!
Then yesterday, she came in to work just before lunch time. She immediately gravitated towards someone who she knows listens to her for hours and never challenges her (one of the ones who received a card). Several people gathered round her and she told everyone all about the service etc. Now I acknowledged her but I didnt go over because I was eating my lunch! She seemed to be a bit out by this and got louder and louder. Anyway, the hour passed and then myself and the person she was speaking to were due to begin working together on a specific service. Well, she stayed put. Then when I went and told our colleague that the service was now open, they both reluctantly went through to where we need to be based but our friend followed and proceeded to sit in this colleagues room and continue her chat. I heard lots of mentions of how supportive she is and the free counselling she was receiving from her etc. The only time she came anywhere near me was when our colleague was forced to actually see someone, so she came to sit in the room I was in. As soon as our colleague was freed up again, she went back through there.
The issue with all of that was that, with the exception of that one person, I was left to pretty much run that service by myself while she sat and chatted to our colleague. Of course various other members of the team would walk past and see her and then she would go through the entire story of her partners diagnosis through to memorial service.
When she did finally leave, she didn't even say bye to me. I think she knew that I was angry that she had monopolised our colleague and left me to do the work by myself. But also I think she was a bit annoyed that I hadn't dropped everything to go and sit with her but I was working! Aside from anything else, even when she did speak to me that once she rehashed particular stories that we had already discussed in depth as if she had forgotten she had told me them. I do appreciate that there may well be grief playing a part there as well though and she genuinely may have forgotten who she has told what.
I feel heartless writing all of this because I have no doubt she is distraught. But there's a time and a place and I don't think grief is an excuse to treat people around you badly.
I just need to keep my distance from her I think. I just felt a huge sense of relief yesterday when she finally left. She was there for nearly four hours. She only left when we were beginning to pack things up. It's terrible, but work is not a social. I know for a fact she is getting all of this support outside of work as well, so there's no need for her to come in. I couldn't help but feel that she just wanted to come in for some extra attention. I know that sounds terrible but it's true.