Cosmetical empathy card from Ex NPD friend

[Satuka]

Hi,

Haven't been around for a while. Since my last post in October last year, things slowly but certainly were looking up for me. The holidays with family and friends fortunately were – in spite of still missing my deceased mother - lighter than last year and actually joyful. 

Ex NPD friend didn't try to contact me. Our mutual friends didn't bring her up either, which was much appreciated.

Halfway January – I just started with a healthy diet (smaller portions), exercising and serious plans to quit smoking, in other words... ready to reinvent myself after a difficult time – I felt a hard lump in my neck. Long story short, at the end of January I was diagnosed with lung cancer and metastasis in several lymph-nodes (stage IV).

I know. Life is not fair (no, even smokers don't deserve cancer, nobody does). Won't waste any energy on that.

I remember that when I was young, my main wish for my deathbed was that the good memories would outnumber the bad ones.

And they do, although I do hope of course that the treatments (chemo and immunotherapy) will extend my life for a couple of years, so I can make some more in the time I still have left.

Anyway, a mutual friend told me last week she had a hard time with keeping it from Ex NPD friend and I didn't want to put her in that position, so after she asked me I told her that she could tell her, since she would find out anyway eventually. I did request her to advise Ex NPD friend not to contact me in any way though.

Of course I got the obligatory (and unwanted) card. Pussy cat on the front and "much strength" plus her name on the inside.

Smelled like cosmetical empathy (she did her 'duty), so after five seconds I decided to throw it in the bin. It will probably give her the opportunity to make herself look good and me the heartless villain, but I decided not to respond either. I don't want to waste any energy on someone who – probably rather - sooner or later will make it all about her again.

Lesson I'm learning: when confronted with an actual deadline, it becomes abundantly clear what is important and what is not. So I'm going to try to live in the here and now, be grateful for - and most of all enjoy the good things and the people I love and care for.

Take care all,

Satuka

[countrygirl]

Hi Satuka,

Words aren't adequate in such a situation, but I so admire your strength and wanted to thank you for reminding us how important our time is. 

In regard to the issues we are dealing with here, your story is a reminder of why it is so crucial to get free of our PDs, and be good to ourselves and to those who truly do care for us.

Regarding the card, you are correct to put it and her out of your mind now.  The card demonstrates that she does have some feeling for you, but as you so rightly surmise, she is STILL herself and you certainly do need to subject yourself to that now.  I think that many PDs do care for us, but in a very limited way, and their bad qualities outweigh their good ones so much that dealing with them is inevitably draining.

A good friend of mine is in the hospital now because of breathing issues.  She has had radiation for breast cancer, and now a scan has revealed spots on her lung, and she is having a needle biopsy later today.  So your story, which would have moved me anyway, has even more meaning for me.  Time is so precious, why waste it on those who hurt us?

Thank you for sharing with us, and as a wonderful Quaker friend used to say to me,  I will hold you in the light.

[NoVoice357]

Hello Satuka,

It is so hard when bad and hurtful things happen to good people. This is just not fair. I totally agree with you - nobody deserves to have cancer, whether they smoked or not.

I am afraid your ex NPD friend showed fake empathy. She has not changed. Her card was a hoover to draw you back into the non-relationship. 

Anyway, a mutual friend told me last week she had a hard time with keeping it from Ex NPD friend and I didn't want to put her in that position, so after she asked me I told her that she could tell her, since she would find out anyway eventually. I did request her to advise Ex NPD friend not to contact me in any way though.

IMO, your friend's relationship with ex NPD is her business. If she finds hard to keep your personal details from ex NPD and makes you feel guilty, that would be a red flag. It is her problem if she is afraid of saying No to ex NPD. I would not want to share anything personal with her anymore. Giving ex NPD personal details about yourself is giving her the possibility to hurt you.

As you can see, your ex NPD did just the opposite to show who is in control.
I would ignore all her texts from now on. Do not even read them because she may write insensitive things to hurt you and you need to protect yourself from PDs.

You need support and understanding. If they are true friends, they will care about your feelings and your physical and emotional wellbeing. Anytime you need to vent, we are here.

[Thru the Rain]

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

You deserve to focus on your self and your health at this time. Don't feel like you need to engage in any guilt or drama with this ex friend.

Several of the PDs in my life (especially my own mother) are drawn to medical situations like moths to a flame. They just can't seem to help themselves. You don't owe these people any of your time.

[Satuka]

Hi Countrygirl,

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope it's false alarm and if not, she can get the right treatment. A friend of mine had breast cancer in the past as well, and years later also got lung cancer, but she is still here for over five years thanks to immunotherapy.

I do believe ex NPD has some feelings for me, she is not a complete sociopath, just emotionally extremely immature. In the end that doesn't make any difference for the decision I made, which is that I don't want her back in my life, for obvious reasons.

My thoughts go out to your friend and you, thanks so much for your kind words!

[Satuka]

Hello No Voice,

She might expect some kind of response. If I do respond there will be drama, if I don't she can complain to others about how heartless I am. I choose the latter since she'll probably won't bother me anymore. She knows very well what kind of social behavior is acceptable and what isn't and carefully avoids any situation in which she could be seen as the aggressor. The victim play is her core strategy. And me not responding to her card is all she needs for her next 'act'. As far as I'm concerned it's my farewell gift 😉.

This mutual friend and I already agreed last springtime that we shouldn't discuss the subject. That saved our friendship and – also important – made it way harder for Ex NPD to use her for her guilt trips by proxy and such.

I do understand how she feels though, it's not a matter of not being able to stand up to Ex NPD, it's that she doesn't want to lie to someone she considers a friend. She didn't try to make me feel guilty, but was genuinely troubled about it. I really do trust her. Especially since she kept her end of the agreement about not discussing anything involving Ex NPD until now. And as I wrote, the news would reach ex NPD anyway eventually.. so I thought it would be best to rip off the band aid all at once.

But I get your point as well. If she brings it up again I'll remind her of our former agreement.

There is another mutual friend who can't deal as well with the boundaries I set, especially when she had a few drinks. Matter seems resolved for now but next time she crosses them (as in persisting to discuss issues about ex NPD even after I told her several times that I didn't want to waste any energy on it, like she did last week), I'll tell her the subject is a no go area for her as well and give her a last warning. If she doesn't accept I'll create some distance – and if necessary go NC, as much as that would hurt me. The alternative is way more hurtful.

Thanks for your kind words!

[Satuka]

Hi Thru the Rain,

People in times of need are considered to be easy prey by NPD's. Unless they've been through the mill... I don't think there has been a time in my life in which I felt and saw my own boundaries as clear as I do today, so I am quite confident she won't be able to draw me back in her drama. But I am vigilant of course... Fortunately I have my sister and another very close friend who see Ex NPD for who she is (both had their share of people with severe personality disorders in their lives as well). I'm sure they will be there for me, to gently guide me back when I lose sight of it all.

Thanks for your kind words.

[NoVoice357]

Satuka, we cannot control other people's actions but we can control ours. We decide what to disclose, when to disclose and to whom.

it's not a matter of not being able to stand up to Ex NPD, it's that she doesn't want to lie to someone she considers a friend.

She does not have to lie to any of you. She can respect both of you by saying to NPD:

Friend: I am not going to talk about Satuka. Ask her about it.
NPD: She won't answer my calls/texts.
Friend: I'm not going to talk about her.
NPD insists...
Friend: I'm not changing my mind. This topic is closed.

She can repeat any of those sentences and/or end the call, leave the room.
Your NPD will not ask you, if she knows you will ignore her. This is why she asked your friend. NPDs hate being ignored.
There are lot of helpful threads about boundaries and how to respond.

[Satuka]

NoVoice: You are right of course. But I handled it differently and now I can just hope that there won't be any more fall out. But if there is.. I will set my boundaries more firmly.