How to "gray rock" while keeping integrity?

[EntWife]

I'm having this huge internal struggle. I both believe when Brene Brown said we need to set boundaries to stay within our integrity so that we can make the most generous assumptions about others and I know "grey rock" is the best way to deal with my NPD gma and uBPD sister, but I also believe it's best to "do no harm."

So my question becomes this: when it comes to people with personality disorders who feel HURT when you don't play their games (by going "gray rock" or "no contact," for example), how can we "do no harm"?

I'm thinking specifically about my NPD gma, who was trying to provoke me this morning by repeatedly suggesting I should have a baby (which is funny since the whole reason I don't want kids is because I'm too afraid they'll be like this gma or my sister), telling me my generation has "no survival skills" (her logic: "we should have another world war so your generation will learn survival skills"), and then accusing me of blushing and pointing and laughing at me about it (when, actually the room was very hot and we were all red). I'm proud I successfully employed "gray rock" and I don't feel the slightest need to apologize to my family members (which is something I strongly felt in the past), but she seemed HURT that I wasn't responding the way she wanted me to, which got me thinking.

[WomanInterrupted]

Think of it this way:

You walk into a room and see a tiger in a cage.  It's clear the tiger hasn't been fed in some time, and is starving. 

Do you say, "That poor tiger?" - and open the cage, to offer yourself up as lunch?

When you play the PD games, that's exactly what you're doing - offering yourself up as lunch, or fodder, every single time.   

In the above scenario, you could take the time to call animal control, or go to the cops and tell them what you found, which won't get the tiger *immediate* care, but will provide a *permanent solution* in getting the tiger the care it needs, at a facility that can handle it safely.   

That's Medium Chill or Grey Rock.   

You have to weigh whether your grandma's hurt feelings  outweigh your need to protect yourself from abuse.

Having grown up with unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, and having married into a PD family (we're NC now), I'm opting for self-protection and self-preservation, every single time, if I even get a WHIFF of au du PD off another individual.   

I don't *care* about their feelings, as much as I care about *myself* and the constant chipping away of that self, which toxic people seem to *enjoy.*   

Yes, IME, they derive some kind of sick pleasure out of putting us on the hot seat, telling lies, making us squirm, using smear campaigns or outright insulting us and our lives, right to our faces.

And the truth is, the PDs in your life, as a general rule, are *always miserable* - which is why they want to see others miserable.  It makes them feel pleasure and happiness to tear other people down - and that's not how I roll.

I suspect that's not how you roll, either.

You're not using Medium Chill/Grey Rock to *intentionally* hurt anybody - but it's often a side-effect, and you can't control how other people feel or how they react .  You can only control *yourself.*   

Worry about yourself, first and foremost, and protect yourself with MC/GR.

If anybody *chooses* to be all butt-hurt, gets angry, gives you cat-butt face, the old stink eye, or acts disgusted or SO put-out and put-upon by your *calm and non-inflammatory words* - that's on THEM, not you.

You can't control another person - but  you can comport yourself in a respectful and dignified manner, by choosing your words carefully, as to not escalate the situation. 

[guitarman]

This is something I'm trying to cope with as well. Trying to keep my integrity and being kind and caring whilst keeping strong and looking after myself first. This is the cognitive dissonance that I have to cope with.

It is a constant dilemma. It is a physical sensation. Both my head and stomach are in turmoil. I feel torn apart. I feel constantly on edge. I never feel at peace. This is hyper vigilance and anticipatory dread. This is what fear is. This is what adrenaline does. This is the fight, flight, faint or fawn reaction to danger.

Grey Rock and Medium Chill are about me. It's how I look after and protect myself from being hurt. It's my defence shield. It's my protection from being wounded again and again.

I'm kind. I'm caring. I know that I am. I have to be kind and caring to myself first. I care but I can't cope.

I am not responsible for how someone else feels or reacts to me looking after myself first. That is for them to cope with not me. It's a lesson I'm learning.

guitarman

[sandpiper]

I think of it as triage.
During a war, the medical officers will grade patients according to who can be saved/helped/fixed, and the medics know that if resources are low you don't put a lot of time and effort into someone who isn't likely to recover when it means that other people - who have treatable injuries and have the hope of going on to be productive members of the community - will die.
'First do no harm' also applies to yourself, because if you allow yourself to be damaged by someone else's toxicity then this detracts from how well you are able to live your life and the good that you can do for those who will appreciate it.
If your grandmother can't hurt you then she has a few options here.
She can:
1. Find another target
2. Find another way of moving through the world so that she doesn't hurt people and alienate them.
Obviously Door Number Two is the desirable outcome but it is her choice, not yours, as to which door she wants to walk through. If it hits her on the butt as she swings through it, this is not your doing.

Think of it this way. By not engaging with the PD's toxic venom, you are offering them an opportunity to learn about consequences - and the first thing a mental health worker ever said to me is that until the PD experiences enough unpleasant consequences for their behaviour, they will never learn to correct it.
As long as you are offering up some sort of narcissistic supply for them, you are enabling the bad behaviour and denying the PD the opportunity to grow.
I hope that helps.
It takes a while of repeating that to yourself until the logic overcomes the FOG, but it's worth it.
Who am I to get in the way of my PD family's opportunities for personal growth?   

[EntWife]

Thank you both for your input! You both validated what I've been thinking.

And the truth is, the PDs in your life, as a general rule, are *always miserable* - which is why they want to see others miserable.  It makes them feel pleasure and happiness to tear other people down - and that's not how I roll.

This is the part I keep coming back to - they're unhappy no matter what we do so WE aren't the ones causing the hurt! I actually wonder if my NPD gma and uBPD sister even have normal feelings (when they act hurt are they actually hurt or just pretending to be?), but I don't want to allow myself to be cruel in case they do. 

But the second part of your statement is key - I've seen how the PDs in my family enjoy others' pain! The only way to make them happy is to cause ourselves (or those around us) harm! They create a completely no-win scenario! There's no way to interact with them (or even go NC) without causing someone harm!

So I plan to continue disregarding their perceived/faked/exaggerated harm so that I can focus on keeping everyone around them (including myself) from being harmed. 

[EntWife]

I think of it as triage.
During a war, the medical officers will grade patients according to who can be saved/helped/fixed, and the medics know that if resources are low you don't put a lot of time and effort into someone who isn't likely to recover when it means that other people - who have treatable injuries and have the hope of going on to be productive members of the community - will die.

OMG - I love this! Thank you!