How do I stop making myself a target?

Started by 11JB68, February 24, 2019, 11:46:34 AM

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11JB68

After a bizarre verbal attack by a coworker this week I find myself questioning my entire....? Self?
I have been barely holding back tears since Thursday when this happened.
I am at a loss.
I've read a bunch of stuff about what makes certain people 'targets' ...for bullies, narcs, etc.
Basically being nice, helpful, empathic, hardworking, and a bit 'different'.
So what the neck are we supposed to do?
I don't know if I've ever felt as down as I do right now.
I'm not sure I can, or want to, change the way I am.
Also, uPDh has often criticized me in the past for being 'too nice', not saying no,etc....but of course he wants me to be  that way towards HIM.


Sarah H

Hi. I am sorry to hear that you were mistreated at work. I just wanted to say that to me when someone is attacked it is not their fault and they are not the ones who need to change.

I am really bad at responding when someone is hurtful to me, I become ashamed - they treat me as if I am worthless and that is how I feel however when the attack is clearly unacceptable I can sometimes defend myself. A while ago a coworker told me I was very ugly; I asked him to apologise but he refused saying first that it was a joke and that I was overreacting and then that it was true so why should he say sorry. I made a formal complaint to my manager who spoke to him - he then apologised and hasn't said anything nasty since. It took me months to recover my confidence but I doubt he really thinks he did anything wrong. Thankfully I had a decent manager otherwise I'm not sure what I could have done.

JollyJazz

Hi 11JB68,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I ask myself the same question! I have been targeted most of my life. One thing that has helped (although I am still working on this) is T, to build up my assertiveness. I think bullies target those that have already been bullied /abused in life. This is reflected in our body language and the way we respond to any attacks.

Its a long road I think, but I just wanted to say, I hear you! I am struggling with the same issues. There is hope by growing the way we feel inside and the confidence and assertiveness we send out into the world. Best wishes.


SaltwareS

I'm sorry. it's a horrible feeling. Sometimes people just attack everyone, and only certain people ask themselves "what did I do to cause them to attack?"

But in other cases, these books really helped me: In Sheep's Clothing and Character Disturbance. I started to see the signs from further away than I did before, and that helped a lot.

RavenLady

Hi 11JB68. I'm really sorry you feel targeted. I feel that way sometimes too. It's definitely not your fault when other people attack you. Nobody deserves that.

Have you tried a self-defense class? Those can help you access your innate "don't mess with me" mojo. You have it inside somewhere. It's part of what kept your ancestors alive, intervening PD abuse notwithstanding.

I think assertiveness can help. Some people, sad to say, are really stuck in dominance/hierarchy mindsets and aren't able to shift out of that very easily even when so many better options for everyone are available. So it's a matter of speaking to them in the very limited language they can understand -- often their own body language. Watch things like their shoulders, their necks, the extent to which they face people, and who they turn toward/away from as they speak. What makes them nervous? Insecure? Fidgety? Sweat? This is the body language we are all speaking all the time. You can learn it without having to say a thing. And knowledge can translate into power.

I used to have to work with a lot of very "alpha" people. I would study them to figure out how to communicate that I wouldn't be easy to push around. Not that I would be playing their game, but that it would be costly for them to try to play it at my expense. It's an important distinction. It takes practice but once you can "hear" that language being spoken in a room you can figure out how to speak it with your own voice without losing your self. The key thing is to find your center and hold it unapologetically. A person who knows themselves, their boundaries, their values, isn't easy to cow and IME most people won't try, most of the time. I think of it as deterrence.
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

11JB68

Thank y you all for your supportive and helpful feedback.
I feel like I've been so focused on practicing mc etc with uPDh, but this co worker came as a surprise, so I reacted emotionally rather than with the toolbox.
First I was extremely upset/sad.
The more I've thought it through, the more irrational she appears. She really 'kitchen sinked' me! Then next day when I went to her to talk, her story changed again.
Now I'm just angry and also wary.

11JB68

Sorry, posting here again...almost 3 weeks later and I am sadly not past this. So frustrating. I definitely feel I'm in flight vs fight mode. Questioning my own instincts,etc. Really want someone to hug me and say its going to be ok...but being mc with uOCPDh I can't go to him. My instinct is to start liking for another job. 1) I don't know if the ideal Job exists... 2) somehow my looking foot a new job has always been triggering for uocpdh....
I'm still feeling sad, anxious, tearful...

Whiteheron

:hug: a virtual hug for you, my friend! It will be ok.
I'm not sure how to react in these situations, but I do find that I sit back and analyze the offending person. In a documentary type voice - Why do they do these things that they do? What causes them to feel this way? What makes them think it's ok for them to treat people like...? The toolbox is hard. It's especially hard when the one person you should be able to rely on and go to for advice and support isn't there for you.

It sounds like you're getting it from all angles - co-worker, uPDh...it can be overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed, I try to focus on something that makes me feel better - whether it's stealing some alone time to read a book, hitting a class at the gym (which is near impossible if your PD thwarts you), sitting alone with a nice warm cup of tea in a patch of sunlight, and being mindful. Noticing how the warm mug of tea feels in my hands, the blessed silence, the smell of the tea, the feel of the warm sun on my shoulders (it's been really cold here lately...can you tell??). I find little things like this help me relax and then when confronted with irrational or upsetting behavior, I try to recall the feeling of relaxation I had. It's not always easy, but with practice, I find it's helped me. It also confuses the PD when you sit there hearing what they say to you, but not visibly reacting to their words.

Another thing I used to do with stbx was to envision a brick wall or a deflecting shield between me and him. I haven't seen Wonder Woman yet - but if she has a shield - a bada$$ shield like that (take that PD, I'm tougher than you think!!). He would start his verbal bashing and I would listen, but not allow it to affect me. I would picture his words bouncing off the shield and landing pathetically on the ground at his feet. It took a lot of mental pep talks - telling myself his words were his words, did not define me, and I was not going to let them upset me anymore. It took a while to get it right, but my mind was set. I was not going to allow him to hurt me anymore. The look on his face when he was no longer getting his desired reaction was priceless. He was baffled. He literally stood there speechless, staring at me with his mouth slightly hanging open.

They want the reaction. If you no longer give them one, they will move on. Be patient with yourself. It takes time and a lot of practice to build up your shield.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

NotFooled

Quote from: 11JB68 on March 16, 2019, 02:49:10 PM
Sorry, posting here again...almost 3 weeks later and I am sadly not past this. So frustrating. I definitely feel I'm in flight vs fight mode. Questioning my own instincts,etc. Really want someone to hug me and say its going to be ok...but being mc with uOCPDh I can't go to him. My instinct is to start liking for another job. 1) I don't know if the ideal Job exists... 2) somehow my looking foot a new job has always been triggering for uocpdh....
I'm still feeling sad, anxious, tearful...

I think the first thing you should do is see if your HR department has a policy on harassment and bullying.  Then decide if you want to put in a formal complaint or if the situation fits.  Sometimes just arming yourself with knowledge can give you a bit of a boost. 
I think often times we feel helpless when this crap happens.  You are not alone this happens to all of us.   :bighug:  Don't worry it will all be ok!

StayWithMe

Advance planning will help you.  For those who make negative remarks to you, have repsonses ready.  Two that I like

1. "Why do you ask?" for making sure that there is a legitmate reason I am being asked a question.

2. "And your point is......." for rude remarks.  The more you appear unruffled, the less anyone is going to have fun trying to get you that way.

Planning also includes imagining what is the worst that can happen and how you might react to it.  Do you encounter who constantly "forget" their wallets and want to borrow money?  Practice saying "I really can't help out today." 

The same with being asked for favors and other things that you really dont have to say yes to.  I used to want to have an "open, honest" discussion.  You let people know that they've gotten under your skin and that you are uncomfortable saying no to them.

Another method I use is pre-emption.  Just saying "You do plan to show up with your wallet this time" will put the brakes on most people.  they at least have been warned.

Also, quite often, people like to use ignorance as a way to beg for forgiveness.  ie. "I didn't know this was important to you."  So good ahead tell a co-worker, "I need to leave so please show up on time if you want to get to work on this today"  if this co-worker has negligent with you. 

some of these tactics will take you out of your comfort zone.  The first couple of times I stood up for myself.  I apologised.  But when I noticed I got the results I wanted, I stopped.