Birthday card with apology

Groundhog Day · February 24, 2019, 07:34:39 PM

I've been sitting on this one for a week now. I received a birthday card without return address. I did suspect it was her but I needed to read what she had to say. I was surprised that she admitted she had made a mistake and asked for my forgiveness. But the next sentences that followed was blamed to the fact that she had been depressed and my F's death had been difficult on her.

I feel i need to tell her that I forgive her so she can go on with her life without guilt. I do not hold a grudge for the past as i need to let go of anger and other negative feelings ànd move on with positive and non toxic people in my life. I want her to move on too and better herself. One sentence she wrote stuck to me, she states:" I have to fight since your father died". Why does she have to fight? It might be a struggle, challenge, and eye opener to what you had and lost. It is not the first time she has talked about her loss as being a battle. Does she feel every curve ball in her life is a battle? Anyone heard that from their PD parent?

If I text her back to let her know I forgive her, move on, I'm afraid she will want for us to have a relationship. It took alot of strenght to finally go NC and I do not miss the drama. But on the other hand I do wish her well and feel she should not have weight on her shoulders from the past. She has no one in her life since we all went NC. Her siblings, children, grand children and friends all cut ties with her and she is all by herself in a new location hours away.
Any comment would be appreciated.

moglow · February 24, 2019, 10:54:03 PM

Did she apologize for a specific incident or treatment of you, or is she seeking absolution for "everything" without actually addressing anything in particular? Just a curiosity, wondering if she truly sees her part in the breakdown of her relationships or if she's seeking a scapegoat. But then she mentions being depressed and the loss of your father, so perhaps not. Maybe you could consider what part her depression and that loss affected the end result, or if that's a somewhat convenient calendar stop in her mind.

Why not tell her a long the lines what you said above " I do not hold a grudge for the past as i need to let go of anger and other negative feelings..."? Then gently close that door without offering more. I daresay she won't understand either silence or simple acceptance on your part, but has expectations. Remember that's all on her, you have no obligation to make it "all right," particularly if it only causes you more harm.

Your curveball question struck a nerve with me - mine sees every little incident as a personal affront or attack, whether it's inconvenience with traffic, difficulties with getting her car serviced, a delay at the pharmacy, the mail not arriving when she expected, etc. No apparent recognition that life isn't always convenient. Let there be a major event to which she's even remotely connected (or can piece one together) and the sky is falling right over her head! Absolutely no comprehension that her inconvenience is blown all out of proportion to the realities of others, or that every day all around her people are dealing with much worse - and thriving in spite of what's been thrown at them. It seems that everything is an excuse for her temper, her agitation, she's so stressed, etc. Honestly in many ways I think it's sheer boredom - mother plays and replays things in her mind, always eventually finding herself the victim of something.

bloomie · February 24, 2019, 11:23:41 PM

Quote from: Groundhog DayI do wish her well and feel she should not have weight on her shoulders from the past.

Simply saying this and letting her know you have moved on is gracious, kind, and enough.

Her feelings - if she feels guilt or anything else are her responsibility. Her current situation - isolated and cut off from people she has alienated are also her responsibility. We can forgive, wish only the best for someone, even love them very much, and still not have relationship with them because they are too harmful for our lives.

You have gone through a most gut wrenching experience as you have gone NC with your mother and you are stronger than you know and can handle this in the way that is best and right for you and brings you peace. Strength and wisdom to you as you find the best path forward!

Call Me Cordelia · February 25, 2019, 06:06:53 AM

I may be wrong, but I'm hearing some guilt on your end for "weight on her shoulders from the past." That is not your stuff. Sounds like it would be appropriate for her to feel some of the weight of her actions, and take some positive steps to resolve that. If you do communicate forgiveness, that is exceedingly generous of you. Your fear of her using this as a means to get what she wants sounds reasonable to me. But you know how to protect yourself.

Kiki81 · February 25, 2019, 03:20:34 PM

You mentioned ensuring she doesn't feel guilty.

You cannot influence or control another person's feelings.

It's been my experience over decades with PD population that "guilt" is not a position in which they place themselves. They want what they want, and they do what's required to get it as expeditiously as possible. Guilt plays no part there.

Groundhog Day · February 25, 2019, 08:30:37 PM

Moglow--- No she did not mentioned any specific events or incidents as to why she would ask forgiveness. And I seriously beleive that she has no clue as to why anyone would be NC with her because she does nothing wrong and do not seem to understand. I feel that since F passed away 3 yrs ago she has lost all social skills. I am not implying that she never had a PD prior to F's death but it came out of control once her (puppet) my father died. He was a really good man but could never voice his opinion or objection as she would redicule him in public or would throw fits to get her way.

As for "guilt", I do not feel guilt over NC with M. I do love her, wish that our relationship would be different but as reality sets in over time it is not possible. I think what I meant to say was I do not want her to spend the rest of her life feeling and thinking I hate her even though she removed us from the will and called us names. Sure it hurt my feelings, made me angry at the beginning but I understand Mr Hyde was behind it and she could not help herself being that way. She can be a good loving person but the last 3 years we have seen more Mr Hyde than Dr Jekyll. She is 75 yrs old and I would like for her to live the last few years being happy with new found friends or neighbors and not die of a broken heart. She has been diagnosed with BPD and N and to me it's like someone being autistic, asperger syndrome, bipolar..etc. i do not excuse her behaviour but I feel she cannot help herself from being the way she is. She can try for a day or so but her PD will take over her and will resort to her anger state again. Maybe this is a way for me to cope with the situation and rid of any anger and able to forgive her?

Does this make any sense?

BettyGray · February 26, 2019, 08:16:36 AM

Oh yes, very familiar. PDs are ALWAYS the worst off in any situation. I have come to believe that you could make something preposterously horrible up about yourself or someone else just to see how quickly they make it all about them. Just to prove they weren't listening in the first place.

"I fell 10 stories from a construction crane and hit the scaffolding in 7 different places before I landed in a swimming pool that just happened to be installed and filled just minutes before. Halfway down, I was surprised to see a bird talking to me in Spanish. One of the Hemsworth brothers was waiting in the pool to catch me in his arms. I was admitted to the hospital with minor cuts and bruises. Good thing that monkey doctor was on call."

To which the response would be something like:
" I had a hangnail once and I thought I was going to die from the pain."

Sounds like everyone else here has given good advice. It can be rather funny once they no longer have power over you. If it weren't so depressing.

treesgrowslowly · March 03, 2019, 09:19:42 AM

The card to YOU on YOUR birthday ended up being about her.

Non-PD people don't do that. PDs only do that.

They are never trying to repair a relationship. Never. They have no idea what repairing a relationship entails. No idea. They use birthdays (mine does too) because we are vulnerable on our birthdays. We want to believe that people care about us, we want to feel good on our birthdays, are are therefore 'open' i.e. vulnerable. I learned to protect my birthday with especially fortified boundaries because of their strategy to use a birthday, graduation, etc... to manipulate their child's desire to *gasp* feel good about themselves.

We deserve birthdays that are really a celebration of us. I feel very strongly about this. I see birthdays as an opportunity to take back something that they felt entitled to when we were their small children.