Engagement

[Myshoeisahouse]

I'm looking for advice. I'm hesitant to share with my parents that me and my partner have got engaged. My dad is very controlling, particularly bullying towards my mum and as a result she is fearful of his disapproval. I have been told by my mum that I've chosen my partner to make my son comfortable, that if I had a rich husband I'd have bought a house by now. She makes pointed hateful rants and can become very poisonous. I feel that my parents will suck all the fun out of it by spoiling my news. I have told my sister though so its awkward.  When in conversation I often spot something coming from my mum ( something racist usually) and say I don't want to hear it ... perhaps that puts her off a bit. I am not sure how to deliver the news and then back off without hearing a response I don't want to. They apparently say I'm secretive, but I feel the (bullying and mean) negativity from my dad rubs off on my mum and I will doubtless hear endless alternative options about where I should go to meet someone they deem more suitable. I'm 35 with a good career however my parents are constantly telling me that's too expensive for you, save your money until you've bought a house. I had a massive falling out with my dad and I believe he is much worse ( angry+ physical) with my mum and my sister but reigns it in around me.

[Andeza]

First! Congratulations! 

Oh wow, so sorry that something that should be absolutely joyous has this unfortunate cloud cast over it.

Your parents have a dominant/submissive dance, but remember that they chose each other. Your dad is more obviously unbalanced, but it's likely your mom is equally unbalanced and codependent with him. Personality disorders often come that way with couples. If they separated today, you would likely see your mom become more obviously disordered over time rather than improve.

It sounds like your parents are already sucking the fun out of your news because you're worried about how they will respond. Normal parents (who has those, lol?) would be happy for you or carefully confessing any concerns they have about the relationship, not exploding like this: 

A house doesn't make a person. Home is where the heart is. So long as you are with the people you love and that care for you, that is good enough. Buying a house has become some sort of weird status symbol, when really it's just another form of unnecessary debt. (That said I do have a house, but it's because I like certain freedoms that don't come with a lease) There is nothing wrong with renting and some people happily rent all their lives.

You have created a boundary concerning your mother's racist comments. Good for you! Keep it firmly in place, let her be put off all she likes. Any indignation from her does not make her right.

Personality disordered individuals are often "enmeshed" with their adult children, meaning they do not recognize you as a separate entity and they want to know everything you do, who you've seen, where you've been... they are your worst stalkers in that sense, and it's just a way for them to comment on/put down anything and everything you do that they disagree with. Take a deep breath and keep your secrets.

You will only have to hear about endless alternative options if you sit back and let them rant. You need another boundary. "Mum, dad, we're not discussing alternatives because this is what I want, end of story. How about the weather, how's the garden going?" If they won't drop the subject, leave. For your own wellbeing don't let yourself feel trapped or obligated to listen to them rant. You are an adult, you have made your decision, that is the end of it.

Do you want a house? Sounds more like they want one for you.

Given the unstable nature of your father, please keep your bodily welfare in mind and do not see them in places that are not public. Go to a coffee shop or get some tea or lunch in a place with other people.

Finally, welcome to the forum! Please check out the toolbox for some of the habits of PD's and how they operate. It may give you a whole different perspective of life.

[qcdlvl]

Congratulations on the engagement!

When my wife and I got engaged, we didn't tell my controlling, toxic FIL, though no doubt he must've heard via MIL (they're separated but she still enables him). Did not tell him, did not invite him to the wedding, etc. Only a few close friends and FOO members we have a good relationship with were told by us directly. Toxic relatives (not just FIL)  were also not invited to the wedding. So my advice is to put your safety and your happiness first - if you do decide to tell FIL (and that really is your choice, however unconventional), my advice is to tell him by phone/email/etc, not in person. If you do decide to tell him in person, tell him somewhere public and with security cameras, like a cafe at the mall, and to have the logistics figured out for a quick getaway (like making sure to drive your own car and have the keys on you at all times, or locate a taxi rank you can walk to quickly) and to have someone there who will have your back (NOT someone from your FOO).
Andeza is right about your parents - your M has chosen your F, not just when she agreed to marry him/cohabit, but every single day she stays in the relationship. Every single day she chooses to stay, and she has been making this choice for decades. However irrational it may be, and however much she may complain, the proof is in the pudding. Unless she has a history of consistently standing up to him for your sake, expect her to take his side.
By the way, I don't have a martgage, either. What elderly people sometimes don't appreciate is that housing prices in many places have risen way faster than inflation, wages or median household incomes. Many people in ther 20's and 30's simply can't afford the homes their parents could afford at their age, and in addition since job security is not what it was, a mortgage is a much riskier proposition. Not that I'd expect your parents would listen to any of this, but my point is that your not buying property is neither unusual nor extravagant.

[daughter]

Your engagement experience is a watershed moment, allowing you to evaluate your present relationship with both your parents, your domineering father as well as your enmeshed mother, and assess what changes in your expectations and boundaries are needed hereon.  Otherwise, please expect them to be EXACTLY AS THEY ARE, enmeshed, domineering, shaming, bossy, raging, etc.  You've little to no ability to affect change in THEM, but you do have ability to change your own expectations and consequences in regards to THEM.  And yes, it's time to relate to them as an independent adult, someone who is not controlled by them, who is not "punished" for supposed "disobedience/disrespect" just because you don't comply to their every expectation and demand.

You are an independent adult.  Your parents' opinions, expectations, and demands are no longer your duty to fulfill and lock-step obey.  Yes, they will be angry.  But it's inappropriate and wrong for them to be "angry at you".  Yes, they will attempt to shame you, blame you for their displeasure, perhaps punish you.  But again, these feelings are inappropriate and wrong, and you aren't obligated to "fix it" by remaining their "dutiful daughter".  You're now at a milestone moment, being engaged, planning a wedding, making life-decisions independent of your parents.  I was once there too.  My parents demanded that NBM's every wedding plan expectation be met in exacting detail, threatened to not attend wedding, and when I capitulated, they hijacked our wedding into a party for their friends/siblings to exclusion of other guests.  It wasn't pleasant, but I "obeyed".  Ten years later, DH and I decided to sell our house in my parents' immediate neighborhood, to move to a better school district closer to work, and my parents not only raged at me, but viciously attacked me to point where I chose to be NC for several months, but after several months of disengagement, I "obeyed" and resumed contact.  Another ten years, and NBM's bad behavior and enNF's demanding "it is what it is and I don't care" enablement finally causes DH to ask that we "no longer socialize w/NBM, enNF, and GC nsis", and we quietly disengaged for real; NBM never contacted me, enNF furiously hoovered for a year, but only to insist I "had no right to have issues" and that I was "emotionally strong enough to endure (NBM's) cruelty".  These conditions aren't basis of a lasting family relationship.  My relations with my parents, both NBM and enNF, were based solely on fear.  I didn't feel "love".  Historically, I only received disrespect, disdain, and rancor, all the while I was a model "dutiful daughter", a white-collar professional married to a white-collar professional with a supposed model life, no burden upon my parents, etc.  I was also blatantly disfavored, while my only sibling, my GC "princess" nsis, overtly favored and fawned upon as NBM's BFF mini-me.  It took me until my mid-50s to finally break free of this harmful emotional abuse, because I was such a "good girl/dutiful daughter".  I unfortunately sheep-dipped my own family, my DH and our children, in my (seemingly high-functioning, bad behavior occurred within privacy of family home, I note) parents' dysfunctional dynamics.  You've insight now, and opportunity to act upon it. 

[lotusblume]

Congratulations on your engagement!!!

This is time to celebrate, enjoy the glow, think of yourself and fiance, future, pop some champagne!!!

Speaking from experience, telling my parents I was engaged (the day after) was a massive let down and I ended up crying when we got off the phone. It zapped away all the initial joy. If just the *thought* of telling your parents is taking away your joy, tread carefully.

First I would say, still sounds like you are attached to their approval and seek their love as I was. Good thing to question why it is so important to you to have (enmeshment for my sake was a big part of it). Second, spending so much emotional energy on them right now is part of a bigger pattern, in which you may still feel you need their permission to make adult decisions and be happy. It was for me. It may not be for you, but perhaps take some time to explore that, and then let it go and allow yourself to be happy for such an amazing moment in your life! Embrace your partner, focus on the both of you, and when/if you decide to tell your parents, keep your expectations low so it will affect you minimally. I also agree with doing it by email, something that you don't have to deal with their reaction until you are in the right emotional state to not let it burst your (champagne) bubble.

Cheers and congratulations again!