I blocked my mom on a social media account

[marizabet]

A lot of things have been building up and today I figured out how to block her from one social media account after I posted a picture of the kids playing in the yard and she called me to tell me not to let LO get dirt on her hands because the worms would get into her body. LO is 4 and she rolled her eyes while listening to grandma.

She then asked to speak to LO which I foolishly did and she told her the same thing and that she'd get her gloves to use for outside.

Btw the pic was of LO pouring water and she was squatting near a pot of dirt.

I am so sick of my mom and her backseat parenting. Especially since she was a less than ideal mom. She's always telling LO what to do to the point of excess and criticizing...we are lucky LO has a strong spirit. Unfortunately mine was broken from a young age.

Other things include telling LO to not eat lollipops and that she can't have candy that is already for her (that MIL sent), to wear slippers inside our house when that isn't a rule we have (she gets irritated when LO doesn't want to), that she has to take her socks off in bed because they're dirty, to wear a coat or jacket outside because she's cold though nobody else is cold, she used to try to tell her what to wear and for the most part gave up, she used to insist on washing her down there and said she has to every time she goes potty and kind of expected us to bathe LO every night but we don't.

A few visits ago my mom said she felt bad bc LO didn't smile and pose for all the pictures we had of us going out to lunch. I reminded her that LO is 4 and honestly H is sick of feeling like she uses the kids for attention on social media.

And on Easter she told me that she ran into my estranged aunt (whose father abused me) who said hi to my mom and my mom showed her pictures of the kids and my aunt said how pretty and invited her to the house (that I was abused in) some time.

Have I lost my mind? Has the world gone mad?

I know I should tell my mom that these things bother me but why isn't it common sense? I don't know if there is a point.

I need a break from my mom. Maybe I need to get off of all social media. I don't want to take her calls for a few days. I just don't know what to do. This isn't helping me be my best self for me or my family and I have all this other stuff going on with my dad and in laws.

The last time I went a few days without talking to her she went to complain to my aunt who I usually like. It's not fair. I'm not the bad guy here.

[divorcedfromnpd]

You are on the right track.

If you are feeling the need to explain how something she did hurt you. Don't.

This is all about her dysfunction. No explanation you could give can fix that.

Minimize contact with her. Seek other positive people for support.

Get comfortable with the feeling of being the "bad" person who didn't cave in to the PD's demands.

[nanotech]

Oh my god how awful. Is your mum aware of the abuse you suffered? Why is she even talking to that aunt, then she tells you about it? She shows her picture of your children, then goes to the house where you were abused? 😮
I had a similar thing happen with my mum. I was abused as a teen ( first experience was abuse) and because the man involved groomed my mum and convinced her he was lovely, she never accepted it as abuse. Instead she blamed me, and for years after would say how sorry she still  was for him.  She did this in front of my kids once, and my sister joined in, expressing sympathy and caring for the man who had abused me.

I have several family members blocked on Facebook. It helps enormously. They used it to dig at me through passive aggressive comments and  statements. The false declarations of love for each other were the most nauseating.  Yes,  they will use information such as photos to try to undermine and criticise. Just tell her you are  reducing your time on there and stick with it.
Double check that your photos are blocked. I defriended older sister on Facebook ( long story) but hadn't actually  blocked her.
She accessed all of my daughter's recent  graduation photos, and showed them to my dad before I was able to.
She knew dad was due to visit me that weekend, and that I would be  excited to show him.
They'll spoil anything they can. Dad was  totally complicit in it. I could hear him smiling over the phone as he told me.

They enjoy hurting us, spoiling precious moments and events. I was fuming, but I chose not to react, because I felt it would feed the supply.
As you say, is it not common sense NOT to do these things? I would say 'yes', and the fact that they do it anyway shows the purpose is to unsettle, belittle, diminish, disempower us.

Ultimately they suffer when they see us having our own lives, where fun things happen and WE are in control.
I think they want us back in the place where we weren't in control and we were victimised. Again, why? 
 
I did react finally to all of the nauseating sympathy for my past abuser, though not as strongly as I could have. I told them I no longer wished to hear about someone who  had ruined my teenage years. Mum went quiet, then answered harshly,

' Well, YOU brought him home.'

There's the blame, placed right in my hands.  Yes mum, I only have myself to blame for my abuse at 14. He'd groomed me at a youth club he was way to old to attend. Then he wanted to meet the family really early on. Red flag moment.  He knew what he wanted, and what his way in was.  Because he was extremely  good looking and charismatic, my mum and sister  instantly loved him. My value in the family went up, because I had brought him in. This is what can happen too. I felt more loved because they loved him. When I finally got him out of my life after years of emotional and physical abuse, they shunned me. Mum took it out on me.
( I found out decades later, that my sister's  then boyfriend had heard of his reputation, and HE expressed concern for me to her. That was either never passed on by my sister, or my mum chose to ignore it.

When my own daughter was 14 i looked at her and saw how  breathtakingly vulnerable she was. At that point I stopped blaming myseIf for that abuse, and saw it for the first time as abuse. It only took me 24 years!
I wouldn't have dreamed of allowing my daughter to date a 17 year old, (  my therapist believes he may have been older)
The truth gets lost.
Don't get gaslighted.
Sending hugs 🤗 xxxxx

[Iguanagos]

I have never been on social media, but I understand you can be very specific about allowing certain people to only see certain things. So perhaps if you want to put your mom on an information "diet", only allowing her to see certain things, you can do so. Or you can cut her off completely. It's totally up to you. Others may be able to advise you better on how to do that via the settings.

What really struck me about your message though was that you seem to talk to your mom very frequently. You said if you go more than a few days without talking she complains. That's a lot! Especially as a mother of a young child.

So one thought would be to start reducing contact gradually. Just be "busy", too busy to call as frequently as you used to. She won't like it, but she will hopefully get used to it if you are consistent about it.

She's really plugged into your daughter's life because of the frequent contact. So unplugging some of that would help to put you back in the driver's seat as your daughter's mom and put her back in her proper place as part of your daughter's extended family.

[Spring Butterfly]

If you need a break from *anyone* it's ok even if it's a relative or parent. It's your right as an individual adult to choose not to be controlled by someone else and to choose who you surround yourself with as association.

My T explained the little girl inside doesn't need mom's approval or anything else, doesn't need to be afraid of displeasing mommy and doesn't need permission to have space, grow up or be her own adult. Really and truly you don't need permission and don't need to be afraid.

The whole thing sent uPDm off the rails and both her and enF continue a mock silent treatment for my lack of obedience to mommy. Oh well. (They never intitiate but do respond when I reach out for occasional wellness check or for community events)

[marizabet]

Yeah I talk to her almost every day but it's more because she or LO want to and not really for me.

I know I really need to make some changes, otherwise I'll just keep complaining about the same things again.

My mom has known about the abuse for 13 years. She's just oblivious to common sense and decency.