Going in circles

[relika]

Hi there, I'm new here. I'm finding it difficult to write down what I'm thinking and feeling about my situation. I can't wrap my head around the what/why/when/etc.

Long story -somewhat- short: we (my husband and I) suspect that our sister-in-law (partner of my husband's brother) has BPD. In the past, she has told me that she has a psychiatric background, caused by her boyfriend leaving her because she was obese and being bullied at work. She told it after she couldn't keep up with the lies about her job anymore (she lied about having a job for several years when instead she was on benefits because of her condition). She never told me/my husband/parents-in-law her exact diagnosis or has mentioned it ever since. All we know is that she has a psychiatric illness and that she has medications for it.

For the past three years or so, for a reason I cannot figure out, she has made it her personal goal to make my life miserable. She gets mad or disappointed in me for the smallest things. Like not getting a personal invitation for my birthday (when it is custom in our family to just stop by on birthdays). Or for things that didn't even happen, only in her head. Somehow she has 'expectations' in her mind about me and how I should behave, and when they don't come to pass, she is pissed.

She confronted me about it once, several months after their second son was born still after a full term pregnancy. In a telephone conversation I wish never happened. She accused me of not caring enough about the death of her son, while my brother-in-law was the one keeping us at a distance. That she was disappointed in me, that she kept my children away from her, that I had changed, that she thought I was different, and so on. What I regret is, that no one heard our telephone conversation. She told my brother-in-law that we had a huge fight, when in reality it was half an hour of listening to her accusations. After that she treated me like I didn't exist. Then we had a talk with our significant others present to resolve things (initiated by my brother-in-law), which resulted in another our of unfair accusations and her playing the victim.

I decided to give her another chance, hoping that it was a one-off event. It went well for about a year. In good times, when we are amongst other people, she acts like we are the best of friends. After a year I had a feeling that things were going downhill again. Barely making eye contact, cold greetings, etc.  Should she encounter me when I am alone, she mostly acts as cold as ice, barely acknowledging my presence. Sometimes blatantly ignoring me. She tells my in-laws and brother-in-law that I am the one acting distant and unfriendly. She tells them, but not me. While usually, she is a very direct person. The last "episode" went on from July until December last year. Then, all of a sudden, she acts as if nothing ever happened. Now, barely two months later, it is starting again. I don't know why. The time between these episodes is getting shorter.

I hate her lies and I cannot prove them, as she only acts this way when no one else is around. All I hope is that my in-laws know me well enough to know that I don't act that way. I am a friendly person by nature, who just doesn't like to have a conflict with someone.
My husband is beginning to see her for who she is, and I am so glad for it. He understands me, yet he cannot do anything to help me. He says to just be me and that patience is a virtue. He thinks that in time she will have to face her lies.
My brother-in-law knows about her condition (partially, we suspect). He is a good person and puts up with a lot of her drama when he gets little love in return. She loves him, but only when there is some gain to achieve.

To make matters worse, we all live next to each other. My in-laws, brother-in-law with their two kids and us. We have kids that are roughly the same age, the two youngest will probably be in the same class in a couple of years. I already dread the day I'm going to see her every day at school.

I want to take a distance from her, but I can't because we live next to each other. And because we bump into each other whenever there is a birthday, or on the street.
My in-laws want us to make amends. But frankly, I have had enough of it. My trust in her is completely gone. I gave her several chances to regain my trust, but as soon as I think that things are settling, out of the blue another "episode" begins. If I'm honest with myself, and if I could, I want her out of my life. Is that even possible when you live next to each other and are (unchosen) related?

I feel so much hurt and anger and frustration that I cannot heal this situation. I know that it will probably only get worse instead of better and that I can't do much about it. Hopefully, this forum will point me into somewhat of a direction.

Thank you for reading my story. I feel for all of you going through this and hope that one day it will get better.

[all4peace]

Welcome, relika! I'm glad you've found us but sorry that you needed to find help for this painful problem.

This touches a chord with me, as I live next door to Dh's parents and sibling and their families, with a lot of dysfunctional, unhealthy and PD-like behavior in the family. What I can tell you is that it IS possible to live next door and find relative peace. It takes strong, consistent boundaries, internally and externally. If you can learn to let go of caring about what your SIL says about you, or thinks about you, then you can find the boundaries that are livable for you and your family.

I share many communities with my next-door ILs, and I had to learn to stop caring about what they thought, felt and said to others. The more I could focus on taking care of me, of being the best ME possible, the better I did. I eventually learned how to focus on my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my job, my friendships.... and the chaos with the ILs has nearly disappeared.

What helped me:
1. I am not alone with my ILs, ever. All communication goes through DH instead of me.
2. Our minor child is inaccessible by phone, per our wishes and hers, to our ILs. It makes them angry, and that remains their problem instead of ours.
3. Our home is finally safe in that they no longer come into our home unless we have invited them. We haven't invited them for 2+ years at this point. It took once filing a police report (we had a break-in while on vacation) and changing our locks, repeated statement of our physical boundaries and repeated violations, changing our DD's phone number twice and then her phone, me blocking most of them on my phone, installing a camera on one part of our property....and we finally have peace.

It can be really stressful and anxiety producing, but it's also priceless to have peace and safety in your own life. With your SIL, I would suggest starting with only being with her when others are present, and letting go of her opinion of you. Be the best you possible, and most people will be able to see that. Hang in there--this stuff is hard!

[Malini]

Welcome Relika,

I have been having similar issues with my SiL, my brothers wife, on and off for 25 years. It goes in cycles, like your episodes and like you, I'm generally a friendly, warm person and shouldn't have any difficulties managing this relationship, but I do.

My SiL has never confronted me, I wish in some ways that she would,  so we could clear the air and move forwards. She will switch her "friendship" on and off and I have, in the past sought to fix things with her, mostly by apologising for my behaviours which my brother told me was hurtful to her, and always hoping she'll jump in and apologise for her bits, but she never has. Up until now, after each cycle, I've  swept the bad behaviour under the carpet and been happy when things were in a good place, mostly to maintain a relationship with my brother and his 3 daughters.

Everybody, even my B, can see and knows she is a difficult person. My B stands by her, as he should as her husband, but in doing so, enables the dysfunctional behaviour. I have no in-laws pressuring me to fix things, but if I did, I know it would fall exclusively to me to fix this. I thought I could fix this last episode, but it has actually shone a light on the past 25 years and I've decided to drop the rope. I can't find the energy or affection any more to invest time and energy into something that will always rear its head again for reasons beyond my understanding and control.

I understand your worries about future encounters, it is always painful for me to be confronted with her shunning, silent treatment and dark looks.  Like all4peace suggests, ensure you're not alone with her and use anybody as a buffer and at the school gates, other mums can play that role. If you encounter her on the street, deep breath, quick smile and cheery wave as you continue along your way. At family events, cool and polite is probably the best way to go and then avoid/ignore her. I understand this will be difficult, because it goes against your nature.

Remember, her behaviour says nothing about you, but everything about her. You could be the best, most perfect version of yourself, she would still find something to blame or shame you for. You can only control your behaviour and begin to protect yourself from her by taking a step back and disengaging emotionally.

Take care.

[treesgrowslowly]

Welcome Relika,

All4peace posted super helpful information, I just wanted to chime in and support you and say that what I've learned, is that what we do, for example what All4peace has done, to protect and have boundaries, is hard, but not as hard as trying to manage the circus that PD family members create when you remain hopeful that they will compromise, find solutions with you, and basically, behave in ways you would expect and that you yourself are capable of. Even when you live next door to someone, you have the right to create, and update, as you wish, your house rules, your rules for engagement with them.

Hang in there.

[relika]

Wow, thank you... Thank you for taking the time to read my story and share yours and your advice. It makes me feel a little saner in this situation. 

@all4peace
I cannot say thank you enough for your advice. It is so good of you, that you can let go of your dysfunctional ILs and live your own life, the way you want it. You have given me invaluable advice, about focusing on my own life instead of letting her behavior spoil mine. (which is what happens now if an episode lasts for a prolonged amount of time)
It will take a lot of time before I am capable of being where you stand now. But I will have to start somewhere, and today is a good day to start.  I assume it's a year-long process and that it takes a strong will to achieve peace within myself and my life without letting outside forces affect my happiness.   

@Malini
25 years... that's so long... All the things that you must have gone through in all those years..    To be honest, and I feel really bad for even thinking it, I hope that my BiL sees the light someday about my SiL and that he chooses to go on without her. It would make him a happier person, at least in time. But it is very well possible that in 25 years my SiL is still in my life.
What you wrote resonates with me very much. I try to act friendly when I encounter her, although with a big knot in my stomach, also during her episodes. That is really hard for me sometimes.
I hope you find peace in your decision to drop the rope. That is very brave of you. Isn't it ironic that we are the ones seeking help and understanding here?

It's my son's third birthday tomorrow, and I know my SiL will come visit. She will most likely be sitting in our house all evening with a grumpy face and avoiding me, acting busy with her kids. I am going to try and focus on my son, making him have the best birthday possible.