lending money to a sibling that does not talk to me

[Pepin]

One of my siblings (fallen GC) asked for money last year from both me and another sibling.     Initially I said yes (and it would be done with a signed promissory note) but now I am feeling uneasy.  We have not really had any meaningful conversations lately and I am also feeling slightly ghosted.  While I understand that we are all busy with our lives -- I am having a really difficult time with not getting responses to simple check-in types of texts -- actually I am getting pretty much nothing from this sibling about their life in general.  My other sibling and I chat regularly and we also run a group text that the quiet sibling rarely responds in.  This new ghosting behavior is strange since we used to talk all the time. 

While I understand the sibling asking for financial help can do whatever they like with the money, I feel kind of used.      I also worry that advancing them money is not going to help their financial situation since they already have a ton of debt due to poor spending habits...I do come from a place of abundance which is why I initially said yes...but it just doesn't feel good now.  I really don't know what to do.   

[qcdlvl]

If you do lend this sibling money, you can kiss it goodbye - people don't get out of poor spending habits by being given more money, and if/when your sibling winds up broke, then even with a promissory note, you can't get blood from a stone. That, and there's the hassle and expense of going to court. People often behave worse to a close relative in this kind of situation than they do to a stranger, possibly because they don't expect a relative to lawyer up. So while a promissory note is not in itself a bad idea, my advice is, if you do lend the money, to think of it, at least in terms of your own finances, as a gift until proven otherwise.

[StayWithMe]

I understand that at least with a promissory note, you can deduct it from your taxable income.  Someone told me that a few years ago.

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree - if you lend it, you'll probably never see it again, even with a promissory note, and even if you win in small claims court.

Small claims court doesn't help you *get* your money.  They just state that it is owed to you, legally.

How you obtain your judgment, I haven't a clue.  I don't know if you can go right to garnishing wages, or there are other steps you have to take, first - but I DO know you can't hire a goon, marginally employed by Tony Soprano, to "persuade" payment.    

In regard to what StayWithMe said about taxes - I'd take that up with a tax accountant, before I committed to anything.   

But me?  I just wouldn't commit.  You are *allowed* to change your mind and if asked again, say only that the situation has changed and you can't help.   

It's the easiest way to prevent  drama, stress, anxiety, resentment, and a lot of hurt feelings - as well as the potential for a mess that the entire FOO winds up embroiled in, with you as the person who is WRONG for expecting your sibling to pay you back because faaaaaaaaaaaaaamily helps family!   

Yeah - until *you* need help.  Then your faaaaaamily is a ghost town, with an occupant of 1!   

Trust your gut, Pepin - it's not wrong.   

And remember the words of Vivid Imagination:  if it feels yucky, it IS. 

[goodgirl]

Agree with everyone else: if you decide to "lend," decide in your head that you are really gifting this money. It ain't coming back to you. If you're okay with that, then have at it. Another alternative is perhaps to say you will pay off a bill for them directly, and write your check directly to that debtor, not your sib. BUT...

You are *allowed* to change your mind and if asked again, say only that the situation has changed and you can't help.   

This right here.

[Iguanagos]

If you do lend this sibling money, you can kiss it goodbye - people don't get out of poor spending habits by being given more money, and if/when your sibling winds up broke, then even with a promissory note, you can't get blood from a stone.

I had this happen to me, from a non-PD sibling who was horrible with money in general - actually, one that developed serious OCD issues and an eating disorder, I believe due to stress from N/B M and EF.   I actually like this sibling. When sibling asked for a loan, I gave the money and said outright that it was a gift, not a loan.  I said that we both knew I would never see it again.  Sibling denied that, insisted I would be repaid, etc. etc.  And of course I never have.  I hold no grudges, as I made the decision up front to just give it freely. 

Your antenna are already picking up some weird vibrations from your sibling, so the simpler the better IMO.  I would recommend deciding what you would be comfortable giving now, as a one-time gift, knowing the relationship may never get better.  And then do that, freely and with no expectations of reciprocity on your part.  The answer can be zero, as WI said, you're always allowed to change your mind.  If you decide to give some small amount, you can see how things go between you and decide in the future if you want to do any more.  It is totally up to you.

[Pepin]

Thank you everyone for your input.  At some point I will also need to talk to DH about this since obviously our money is OUR money.  I do have one separate account that I have not touched for years that I could gift from but it technically is earmarked for my children when I pass.

The other thing that does not sit well with me is that potentially *lending* the money allows this sibling to live beyond their means.  I have already seen this happen over and over with one of DH's siblings and they continue to play the sob story while quietly surpassing everyone else financially, nor have they ever truly been thankful for the help that has been extended their way.  It comes from a place of greed and when we get together I have to remind myself that I am not a "peasant" in their presence.  My husband and I have worked hard for our money, setting goals for ourselves and renewing those goals when met -- rather than having money handed to us because we need to keep up with our neighbors.

My sibling seems to live from a place of hurt and victimhood with regards to our past -- failing to get assertive about the debt in their lives.  I certainly get it that we all want to live wonderful lives surrounded by wonderful things but sometimes we have to make the best of what we have and to be grateful for what we do have.  There is always going to be someone else that wants what you have.  This is something that I have had to work very hard at for myself. 

[Summer Sun]

Pepin, I agree with all said.  Just wanted to add how I feel when someone who does not keep in touch or ghosts me asks to borrow money.  Objectified.  And Fungible.  I am an ATM, and disposable, if I do not cough up.  This has been my experience.

The other points I offer for consideration.  If a bank won't lend because of risk, inability to repay, bad credit, overextending, instability or whatever, why should I take the risk of lending from my hard work, discipline, and self responsibility. 

To lend, or give to others who choose not to be responsible, disciplined, live within their means, or work to achieve their own dreams, from a book I read says: it creates a false sense of security, it feeds a sense of entitlement, it demotivates self initiative, it impedes growth and problem solving ability (learning from one's mistakes i.e. maybe I shoulda paid my gas bill instead of going on vacation - consequence of no gas and challenge of working something out with the gas company). 

I think if you do lend, and are not repaid, are you okay with that, or will it effect your relationship?  If you value the relationship and no repayment will create resentment, spare yourself.  Your circumstances have changed.  You do not have to JADE. 

Summer Sun

[openskyblue]

The other points I offer for consideration.  If a bank won't lend because of risk, inability to repay, bad credit, overextending, instability or whatever, why should I take the risk of lending from my hard work, discipline, and self responsibility. 

In my experience, giving someone money or another valuable asset (like a car) who doesn't already take care things in their life or their own financial stability does one thing -- removes that asset from you with no benefit. It would be one thing if this was a sibling who you could count on to show up and help during difficult times or support you in other ways, but it sounds like this sibling can't muster a return text.

I wish I could quote the 10 rules of business of Notorious BIG here, but they are as obscene as they are wise. Basically, the advice is to never lend to family or friends -- especially if your gut is telling you otherwise.