no contact with the narc

[anxietyfree123]

hi everyone.

i am having trouble going no contact with the narc. i have been in what seems like an endless cycle for over a year now with my narcissistic ex boyfriend. we go through the abusive cycle- I usually last about 3 weeks with no contact, and then end up caving and seeing him. this usually leads to us having sex and maybe a few more days of seeing each other and then him discarding me again. this last time we got back together for about 2 months (which was the longest).

of course he only lasted about 2 weeks of treating me the way i should be treated, and everything spiraled downhill from there. he single handedly ruined my valentine's day. he did not wish me a happy valentine's day or do anything nice for me. he does things like this to get a rise out of me. everytime i want to talk about my feelings or his feelings, he does not answer me. if i bring up the past he says things like "i don't know what you want from me" or just gives me the silent treatment for days. then he will come back in a completely different mood like nothing has happened. he has also physically abused me before, and i have tried to bring that up in conversation. once again, he acts like this has not happened. he said to me that "i am remembering things incorrectly" and "i am the one abusing him because i make these things up".

there are many occasions where he will give me the silent treatment for no reason. he sometimes will go short vacations without telling me when or where he is going (or gives me very few details) i feel like i started accepting this as normal because he has managed my expectations down so low. i would try to call him just to talk or catch up and for no reason he would reject my phone calls for the entire weekend- this makes me feel crazy and act more crazy than i actually am. then on monday morning he will call me and say "hey babe i miss you" like nothing has happened. i feel uncomfortable confronting him about anything because then he will just give me a longer silent treatment.

i really want to end this cycle but i am having so much trouble staying no contact. i feel lonely and have a really intense sexual connection with him. i feel like he is the only man i want to be with, even though i know who he really is. i keep thinking i can change him. can someone give me advice on their experience with narcissists and going no contact?

[stardawn192]

Welcome to the forum.

This feeling of "needing him" is something that he has "programmed" into your head. The back and forth actions is a sign of that, total manipulation of you and the chemicals in your mind. Going no contact makes you feel guilty and shameful and he feels like a drug. You go through withdrawals and you eventually give into them. I am 5 weeks of no contact. Not a whole lot but the first few weeks were VERY difficult for me. My brain was telling me things like "it wasn't so bad, they were nice this one time, remember?" or "you're really lonely, you don't want to be alone the rest of your life, right?"

What helped me is having a good support system. Calling my friends and family when I wanted to contact my ex. I had them remind me often what I went through, how they treated me because my brain was only reminding me of those good times that certainly did NOT outshine the abuse. Write down what they did to you and how they made you feel. No one deserves to be treated like this. You deserve to be happy and healthy, not feeling crazy. The sex might be good, but if he can't fulfill your needs on an emotional level, he isn't worth it. There are plenty of people out there in the world, I promise.

Go no contact. Break the cycle. Block him on EVERYTHING, give him no way to contact you and tell your friends not to talk about him unless you do. Limit your talk about him to when you're really feeling bad and start focusing your attention on YOU. You deserve your attention way more than he does.

[Summer Sun]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, anxietyfree123, although I am sorry for what you are going through.  Narscisstic abuse is not easy to untangle from.  It is a web constructed of confusion, seduction and crazy-making strands.  Once trapped we can remain stuck, victims in webs of deceit, betrayal, gaslighting etc.

Have patience with yourself.  Congratulations for reaching out for understanding and support.  This site is an excellent resource for deepening understanding of PD traits and behaviors, also, the toolbox is helpful to learn new ways of adjusting our own behaviors which are more self protective. 

It took me five years to make the final escape, I kept getting drAwn back into the web, mostly with promises of change which were words only intended to keep me snared.  Actions were incongruent with words.   It might be helpful to understand trauma bonding, push-pull, the abusive cycle and intermittent reinforcement as well as others traits, behaviors, toolbox.

Surround yourself with support, self nurture where you can, also a good T can be instrumental with the healing process. 

See you in the boards.  Wishing you strength, support, kindness and courage for the journey.

Summer Sun

[Newlife]

Hi there, I'm new on here and posted yesterday about ending my relationship of 6 years with a narcissist. I know it's going to be incredibly hard. I've ended it before but got love bombed. The problem is he gives me affection which I love. He knows that's what I want but most of the time he's horrendous. Rude, with no empathy. When I'm ill he tells me it's my fault! You hear the words and you truly can't believe it. If im vomiting he'll be irritated that I can't cook for him. I've only stayed for the affection and to some degree the sexual side but he's completely detached. I'm now having silent treatment and am thinking of how to end it in terms of what to say. I totally relate to you as I tend to think about good times and desperately do not want to be on my own. I currently have no hope of meeting someone else. I just think it's going to be impossible. My parents both died of cancer and I've one sister who thinks I'm weak and pathetic and she's sick of me telling her about his antics. I really don't know how I'll end up, similarly to you. It's incredibly hard but good luck. We both need it!