Dreaded Family Reunion

[JayBird]

DH's FOO just made an announcement for a summer family reunion. DH has a large extended family that is spread across many states and every 4 or so years there is a "destination" family reunion. Meaning airfare required and resorts fees etc. I have attended two of these events and both times I left these affairs feeling pretty darned bashed up by my in-laws. I will not be attending this reunion and DH is aware of this.

In fact, just seeing this announcement gave me a surge of anxiety and a flood of bad memories!

The problem is that DH is deep in FOG and only rarely acknowledges the dysfunction of pd uNmil and GC sil. DH is treated quite well by his FOO, me not so much. Ideally, in my fantasy world, DH would stand up to his uNmil and GC sister and let them know we won't tolerate their PD behavior. But I've learned (with help from T) that DH has a lot of family conditioning and his inability to speak up is likely a coping tactic learned in childhood. He just about always will choose to disassociate, rug sweep and remain in FOG.

I feel kind of alone in this struggle of mine. So I turn to you kindred spirits in Out of the FOG who likely understand what I'm getting at.

Moving forward I have decided the best approach for me is VLC, boundary enforcement & focusing on healing from N exposure. I am very open with DH making his own choices with FOO and he may do as he pleases, but I will be sitting out majority of future events with in-laws.

DH will likely go to reunion, but the problem is I don't want my two children (teens) to go. Here is where I need help.  A significant reason for me going vlc is because I have enough self-respect to no longer take their slights and put downs. And while I'm wiling to let husband make his own choices with FOO, I just don't want my children to go to a "family reunion" while I sit at home because disordered uNmil always find a way to let me know that I am not a valued member of this family.

A little background: last family reunion, GC SIL (who is super enmeshed with uNmil) decided to make t-shirts for everyone (25plus) with family nicknames. All nicknames we announced and recipient went to pick up from SIL. The nick names were pretty sweet and harmless, then, you guessed right, my nickname announced out and it was (derogatory slang word for drug user).  It was painful, embarrassing and wrong on so many levels.  The memory of it still hurts.  Weird thing is DH knew at the moment is was wrong but one week later he was gaslighting the experience and attempted to explain it away. BIL apologized but is it was GC SIL who did it while uNmil played the innocent.

[bloomie]

JayBird - family vacations that require airfare and resort costs seem to me to be an "us" decision. Having been deliberately and very publicly humiliated at the last reunion I can't imagine this event to be a safe place for any one of your family members.

One of the things that we have had to learn as a family unit is to offer consistent messages all the way around. So, the message to your in laws is that they can mistreat and offend you and be rewarded with alone time with their son/brother potentially empowering and emboldening them.

The message to your children is that their mother can be publicly bullied and humiliated by family members and goes unprotected by their father.

The message to your DH is potentially that he is not required to compassionately and sensitively enter into the hurt, embarrassment, and disappointment this treatment has brought into your life and make decisions based on what is right and best for his wife and his family. I gently suggest this is an opportunity for your H to grow in maturity that has the potential to strengthen your connection if handled well.

Dangerous messaging imv. Just some thoughts from down the road a ways. It hurts my heart for you that you were treated this way when you went out of your way to gather with your H's extended family. Just mean girl, bullying behaviors and ugly the way you were treated and I am so sorry!

[JayBird]

Thank you so much Bloomie- I needed to hear that. What you write is so true on the deepest level.