feeling joy and then despair

[Twinkletoes88]

Hello, I usually post in the other section but I've been reading some of the posts and comments below and I think you guys may understand what I'm feeling/experiencing at the moment.

I've was NC with my NPDm for 6 months until last summer when I restablished VLC due to my wedding. Since then we meet maybe once every two months for an hour and that's it. We don't have any phone calls or anything extra.

Over this time I've had to be firm with my new boundaries, things like refusing to see her alone, not drinking with her, not going to her house or seeing her enabling but abusive to me husband etc. Last weekend she sent me a hoover and invited me and my hub over to their house which is madness when she doesn't speak to my husband and I don't speak to hers ....

Anyway I said no, told her that we couldn't just act as though there was no issues and she said she wanted to move on and not bring up the past (standard). I remained firm and said no.

Then in therapy last night I cried, sobbed even, over how I keep going through moments of feeling utter relief and feeling proud of myself and strong and empowered and then moments where I start to feel SO guilty and picture her face crying and sad and I feel such awful grief it's hard to even explain.

I said to my T that sometimes I feel like I'm saying the opposite of what I WANT to say. That I'm saying no to her when I really want to say yes - that I'm doing what I know to be for the best but sometimes I doubt myself and I wish it was different.

I just want some reassurance that other people experience this? Do you guys feel the absolute grief and terror and guilt AND then also the relief and strength and pride? Will this ever stop?

When I'm really feeling that bad stuff I feel like a helpless child desperate for a mother. It seems to pass if I allow it to, but in the meantime it's like the child in me is desperate and sometimes it's a wonder I haven't contacted her saying I'm sorry and take it all back....

I keep trying to think to myself "what about me? What about how upset I am" rather than just focusing on her pain, but it's like that all goes ....

Does anyone else experience this?

[truthseeker4life]

Twinkletoes88

I can so identify with your post, especially the

"When I'm really feeling that bad stuff I feel like a helpless child desperate for a mother. It seems to pass if I allow it to, but in the meantime it's like the child in me is desperate and sometimes it's a wonder I haven't contacted her saying I'm sorry and take it all back.... "

Totally!

I believe we're meant for connection and it is not natural for us to feel unloved by the very people that are supposed to express love to us the most.

It's a total rollercoaster. I want "my mommy" but I know my mommy is untrustworthy and tries to hurt me on purpose. (I haven't had a real conversation with my mom in over 2 years because of her lack of accountability for her bad behaviors and her wanting to just sweep everything under the rug. Oh and there's the silent treatment and ongoing lies and smear campaigns which has turned my 3 siblings against me. Sadly she only contacts me on my birthday and or when someone is dying or dead. I do not contact her at all any more as she gets off the phone with me in under a minute telling me "I will let you go now" without asking about me at all.)

And so it goes round and round.

Proud of myself for being assertive, saying no to abuse and setting boundaries with my mom yet sad that I have to.

I often joke about waiting for my Amazon.com perfect mom and grandmother (for our 2 daughters) on backorder with my husband.  If only!

You are not alone!

Hugs to you.

[Juniperberry]

I totally get this.  I think these extreme feelings are par for the course, at least they are for me.... 

On one hand, you have the sorrow of losing a relationship with a parent(s).  On the other hand, you have the relief and joy of being your own person and true to yourself.  Big sorrow, big relief.  Big swings in emotions. 

Sending good energy your way.