PD M's birthday is today

Psuedonym · February 21, 2019, 11:24:58 AM

I have been NC since the beginning of December. I'm not going to call or visit because there's no point; when my BF has tried to explain to her that if she wants to have any sort of relationship with me she needs to acknowledge and change her behavior, she has said that I'm a) crazy and have always been mentally unstable, b) am lying, or c) everything she did was actually reversed and I did those things to her. She says she has nothing to apologize for and she's done nothing wrong.

So I think talking to her would be a disaster and pointless. At this point I feel like an orphan (my dad died last year) but with the added weight of someone who is supposed to be family saying I'm a terrible person and trying to gaslight everybody. It's just a sucky situation. I know you guys all unfortunately understand.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

SunnyMeadow · February 21, 2019, 03:15:42 PM

Wow, your mother and mine could be sisters! My mother never has anything to apologize for and hasn't ever done anything wrong either! Amazing, isn't it?

Yes, unfortunately I do understand. Good for you going NC and protecting yourself from further emotional crap.

TwentyTwenty · February 21, 2019, 03:27:57 PM

Hi Psuedonym, I'm so sorry to hear your relationship is such with your NM, but happy to hear you're NC and hopefully healing. I have also been NC with my entire FOO and there is nothing that will get me to change my resolve until the 'reversal disorder' like you are also going through is confronted, the mask taken off and the tormentor revealed for who she is. That will never happen, so we will never resolve and I have come to accept that is best for me and my family. Thanks for sharing and yes, we can definitely relate, sharing helps us all with our plight.

Psuedonym · February 21, 2019, 04:40:44 PM

Thank you both! I appreciate your words and am sorry you can relate.

You'll you probably appreciate this...My BF just went to the mailbox and found that she had sent a card. I asked him to read it. He just messaged me: Omg, it's all.. I'm sorry you're upset about when I went to extended care, but.... And then she just goes on about how terrible it was there.

My response was 'wow, that's not only not an apology but yet another attempt to portray herself as the victim and imply that I'm somehow responsible'. A trifecta! Now I don't feel bad at all about not talking to her on her birthday so I guess that's somethin. Sheesh.

WomanInterrupted · February 22, 2019, 12:01:54 AM

Wow...that card was a slam dunk!

Yes, of course, she's the victim here, just like she always paints herself, because that's her narrative and until now, it's worked for her - and when it doesn't work, she's the victim of THAT, too!

UnBPD Didi was the same way - the biggest victim *in the WORLD.* Everybody was out to get her, everybody hated her, everybody was mean and cold and cruel to her, this one gave her a dirty look for no reason, that one ghosted her, the other ones moved away with their new baby and ABANDONED her - and not only that - *they took HER baby!*

Yes, they did move because she wouldn't stop pestering them about babysitting and wouldn't stop referring to their son as HER baby.

She had no comprehension why Nurse Practitioner wouldn't want a chain-smoker with osteoporosis, who lived in a hoard, watching her son!

Didi was the wronged party, of course - she never did *anything* to warrant the treatment she received - when she *so totally DID.*

Year after year, it was always the same bloody thing - somebody would put up a *boundary* - and she'd be the wronged or aggrieved party.

And worse - she expected me to somehow fix it for her and if I couldn't do that, *reward* her in some way, like Ray had always done.

Several years before I'd even heard of this site, I remember her going on and on and on about something in the car (she was the victim, natch), then "hinted" about stopping at the drug store, then getting some ice cream.

I remember a little voice came out of nowhere and said, "If you do that, you're enabling her."

I told her it was late and I had to get home - no can do.

So she sulked - yup, a victim AGAIN! All she wanted was to go look at everything in Walgreens for 4+ mind-numbing hours, then gripe that her ice cream was melting faster than she could eat it, and tell me I *deserved* to have to clean up the mess from that for reasons.

The way I think of unNPD Ray is like he's a living ghost - he can't get to me because he's Beyond the Vail of the memory care unit.

Since you've been NC, your mom has been more like a living malevolent poltergeist, with her toxic verbal spewing and now this card, where *she absolves herself of ALL responsibility* - it's the nursing home's fault, because they didn't feed her for 72 days, and kept her chained in a dungeon, next to Jimmy Hoffa!

That's code for, "I was kept waiting for a few minutes."

Didi used to spin the same lies about the hospitals she was in - and I'm sure Ray would spin them now, if anybody could understand what the fuck he was even talking about in the first place.

He misuses words and misspeaks, badly, and I can translate him, but after the fall that got him sent to the memory care unit, he didn't misuse or misspeak ONCE - the fall was *my fault.* I'm supposed to be taking care of him, so this is *all my fault.*

Wait a second - you mean an 88 year-old-man who has terrible balance issues and won't use a cane or walker because they're for *old people* fell in his bathroom, *didn't press the Life Alert button that was right by his hand* and laid there long enough to get a grade-4 pressure ulcer on his hip, that's never going to heal - that's all MY fault!?

Ahhhh - he learned from Didi!

He didn't cause the whole scenario - he's the victim of it and that mean old malfunctioning daughter!

I can laugh about it now, but at the time, I was *livid.*

The sooner you and your boyfriend both go No Contact, the happier you'll both be. Sure, the living poltergeist will occasionally send you a nastygram - but you can shred them without reading them, burn them, or dispose of them as you see fit.

Keep rocking your NC - it looks GOOD on you and you wear it well!

Your mother - just like Didi and Ray - is only going to keep getting worse, until nobody takes her seriously at all.

And I suspect your mom is eventually going to wind up like Ray - in a nursing home, in a private room, so *others don't have to interact with HER.*

daughter · February 22, 2019, 09:42:50 AM

Perhaps it's time for BF to also enforce same NC policy. It seems BF serves as unintentional FM, still conveying your M's messaging to you.

Psuedonym · February 22, 2019, 09:51:10 AM

I always love your replies and look forward to them, WomanInterrupted, but this one was outstanding.

I have read it through a few times and will read it again a few more times to absorb all your wisdom.

This part about Didi made me cringe: And worse - she expected me to somehow fix it for her and if I couldn't do that, *reward* her in some way, like Ray had always done.
Dead on. 'I'm upset about: being fake sick/someone said something I didn't like/I'm bored because i sat in my apartment all day/I'm old' and I'm supposed to 'cheer her up.'

It's spooky to watch in real time the rewriting of history and you're exactly right about them thinking of you as a malfunctioning toy. She talks all this shit about me and then expects me to come see her....it becomes more clear by the day that she expects me to do that because I'm obligated to or I have to. She seems completely perplexed by 'no'. As BF said, 'she's prepared to die before she actually apologizes.' I think I'm going to start calling her the malevolent poltergeist.

You are right of course about BF needing to go NC as well. I think we are taking baby steps to get there. He is very good about waiting days to call her back and telling her he doesn't have time to listen to her crap.

Thank you again for your ongoing support!

Psuedonym · February 22, 2019, 09:57:07 AM

Hi daughter,

I think you are right...its just taking me some time to get there. I actually will ask BF to tell me what she's said and I find it oddly validating. Is that weird? Like I think its because she's really, really good at the guilt part. I will begin to feel bad about her situation and start to wonder if I'm overreacting and then BF will see her and come home and say 'she says she did nothing wrong and refuses to lie, therefore she will not apologize' and that feeling pretty much instantly goes away. I think I've been using it more as a reminder of why I've gone NC, but it is not a long term solution. Thanks for your insight!

Sneezy · February 22, 2019, 11:42:49 AM

Quote from: SunnyMeadow on February 21, 2019, 03:15:42 PM
My mother never has anything to apologize for and hasn't ever done anything wrong either!

What a coincidence! My Mom has never done anything wrong either.

And the only apologies ever offered are fake apologies. As in "I'm so sorry I'm burdening you with all my troubles," followed by a 30-minute recitation of all her troubles, which are somehow my fault.

Hang in there, Pseudonym - you are doing exactly what you need to do to keep your sanity.

P.S. WomanInterrupted - I love your Didi stories. I hope you don't mind that they make me laugh. I'm sure it was no laughing matter when these things happened. But holy cow, she must have driven you bonkers!!!

Sophie48 · February 25, 2019, 02:23:09 PM

Hi Pseudonym,

I've received many such messages from my mom—and my dad (who I always thought was the more stable parent). My T calls them "sh*t" sandwiches; outwardly, they look okay, maybe even friendly, but the inside is full of crap.

Sorry she sent that to you.

Sojourner17 · February 25, 2019, 02:42:36 PM

Oh man pseudonym! Birthdays can be hard! I'm sorry you recieved that card, albeit it was your bf who picked it up for you. Hang in there!

truthseeker4life · March 01, 2019, 10:28:29 AM

Totally get this.

I am ELC with my mom. I had just had it with her abusive behavior being swept under the rug. I am done pretending.

My mom's birthday was Feb 21. I sent her flowers and the attached card was just happy birthday, love ...

I sent it out of respect for her humanity but that's it. I did not call her or answer her call when she called me to thank me. I let it go to VM.

I am working on forgiving my mother to ease my rumination, hatred and anger but i cannot be reconciled with her until she can admit for once she did anything to hurt me (and continues to hurt me). Since I believe she's a narcissist i don't think reconciliation will ever happen.

She too has gaslighted me and is now smearing my name to all that will listen with her of course being the victim - saying I am mentally unwell I am sure. I can tell i swear by the pitty hugs i receive that people think I am messed up.

Guess thats what you get for standing up for yourself in a dysfunctional and toxic family where no one owns their stuff and nothing can ever be talked about let alone resolved.

So yes I don't trust her and my father died in 2016 and my mom has triangulated my 3 sibs to her "side". So i very much feel like an orphan too.

So very difficult to have to stand up to abuse in general but especially when it's family as the stakes are higher and in pd families abandonment is almost certain.

I feel for you. Hugs. You are not alone.