Have you ever "lost yourself" in a toxic workplace?

[EntWife]

My DH left his toxic workplace a year ago - I'm so grateful to have the version of him that I married back! Although, I still struggle with some of the out-of-character behavior from when he was there. So I'd love to hear from others who were in toxic workplaces: did you, like my DH, feel like you "lost yourself"? Did you do and say things that you now look back on and think, "Why did I do that?!"

Background about this workplace: DH did fine in it until he was promoted to the top manager, under the owner, who I'll refer to as "Boss." Boss had neglected the company for decades to the point that they were on the verge of bankruptcy and the office building the company owns was literally falling apart. Boss almost sold the company 3 times in a 6-month period, but each time he went to the meeting to sign-over the business he suddenly demanded more money so the deals fell through. The turn-over as the top manager was high - the previous top manager lasted 3 months and the one before him lasted 9. DH knew all this before he accepted the position, which, he was told, came with a 200% pay-raise (no typo), so we both thought it would be "worth it" as DH finished school to change careers.

Boss spent his one-day-a-week in the office trying to get other people to do his work for him. During interviews he'd ask interviewees their religion, age, and/or sexual orientation. DH said managing Boss was the hardest part of the position and it took up most of his time. Boss held weekly "manager meetings" with the top manager and accounting manager each week. These took place after work hours, on a Wednesday at a nearby bar. They always involved lots of alcohol and eventually started involving staying out until 5:00 AM, illicit substances, and trips to the stripclub, where Boss would do things like ask for the "heaviest" stripper to give his employee lap dances "because it'll be funny." DH was in this position for 2 years and only ever got a 5% raise.

In the 7 years DH and I had been together 5 AM nights, strip clubs, and illicit substances never happened. So I was completely shocked, confused, and terrified by these changes in DH! My background: I dated a guy who admitted to having a PD and after I finally dumped him (the second time I caught him in-the-act of cheating on me) he stalked me then 2 of our mutual friends told me he'd raped them (I finally went to the cops when he carved my name into one of his guns). The similarities to my PD-exBF and my DH's out-of-character behaviors really got my cPTSD going. BUT DH's extreme compassion kept me trying to make our relationship work as I tried to set boundaries. I'm grateful we made it though and are now trying to get back on track!

Now that it's been a year since DH left the toxic workplace we both look back with confusion over his out-of-character behavior. It amazes me how terribly toxic people in toxic worplaces can get to each of us and effect our personal lives!

[Thru the Rain]

I had a toxic workplace a number of years ago that left me acting in ways that I regret.

There was a ton of bullying in this company, from the CEO on down. My instinct is to shut down and block it out. What I now understand is a "freeze" reaction to stress.

Just to give an example, my department had an hour-long update call with the CEO three times a week. We were all supposed to take turns providing updates on our accounts. However, the CEO often singled out one person to be berated for the entire hour. And sometimes that person would continue to be the "target" for each of these calls for weeks on end. For me, it was worse to see someone else being bullied than to be on the receiving end myself. It was very traumatizing to the entire team.

At one point near the end of my time there, I just stopped working, stopped communicating, refused to speak to my boss. It was pretty bad.

I found a new job - just days or weeks before being fired.

I think work (and the paycheck) is so important to us that we will find ways to fit in or tolerate toxic work situations, even engaging in behavior that is otherwise out of character.

[clara]

I had a sociopath boss who brought along a PD nurse manager and my entire department was seriously, negatively affected.  About half of the department went along with the boss's out of control behavior, while the other half scratched their heads in bewilderment and tried to keep the ship from sinking.  Since I was one of the scapegoats almost from day one (because I questioned some of what was going on) I was never invited into their "club" but the people who were--some of whom I'd worked with for years--started acting just like him.  They started accepting what he did (and what they were subsequently doing on his behalf) as normal and were going along to get along.   It was a pretty masterful act of manipulation and brainwashing, since the boss got his favorites deeply into his life, treating them like family, being kind and generous to them and turning them against those of us who questioned his behavior.  Within five years he was fired by higher management, half of the department had quit, I'd managed to hang on throughout the insanity, and almost everyone who'd once been glued to his hip were basically back to normal (the exception was one narc he hired--she stuck around until she resigned when a new manager stopped tolerating her behavior).  It was really strange to witness, and kind of frightening to see the levels of destruction a PD can cause (since the department never really recovered and was still struggling with the aftermath when I finally quit, almost ten years later).

[EntWife]

Thank you both for sharing!

About half of the department went along with the boss's out of control behavior, while the other half scratched their heads in bewilderment and tried to keep the ship from sinking. 

Funny that you use that wording: as my H was trying to pay down the company's maxed-out credit cards and save the company from bankruptcy his boss kept saying, "If the ship's gong down we might as well enjoy the ride" as he accumulated more debt.

Within five years he was fired by higher management, half of the department had quit, I'd managed to hang on throughout the insanity, and almost everyone who'd once been glued to his hip were basically back to normal (the exception was one narc he hired--she stuck around until she resigned when a new manager stopped tolerating her behavior). 

It amazes me how people with PDs can make us lose sight of who we are and what's okay/normal/healthy! I've seen my NPD gma and uBPD sis do it countless times and then they just leave the situation without any repercussions while everyone else is left cleaning up the mess they made!

[SomethingElse]

Hey Zen,
This reminds me of the family environment I grew up in. After so many years of being in that toxic family environment, I ended up starting to "fleas". After I realized after many years that it wasnt I who had the PDs, my life changed a lot. For me, knowing about myself and then realizing the toxic situation for what it was, really helped me to move forward in a healthy manner. And now I am able to completely drop the PD people out of my life. I am sorry that you and your partner went through a hard time. Maybe it is another example of how Stockholm Syndrome works?

[Oscen]

I'm definitely affected by the environment I'm in. I've never had a situation where I've obviously changed from being healthy and functional to unhealthy and dysfunctional due to a colleague/boss, but this is probably because I'm not 100% healthy to start with.

One workplace I was in was toxic through and through. Rather than saying it completely changed me, I would say it brought out and exacerbated some of my worst qualities and prevented my best from shining through. I was basically being bullied by a client through the complaints process, and instead of supporting me, my immediate manager took him completely at face value despite the fact that he had complained about every woman in the organisation he'd had contact with. I had already been pandering to his needs and whims as much as I could and had started putting my foot down on his bad behaviour and demands, triggering the complaints. When my manager told me to do more, instead of supporting me in laying down the line, I had no more to give.

I realised I was traumatised by the incessant stress and sense of powerlessness and injustice, and left. Even after I left, I took the baggage with me to my next job and felt an inordinate amount of stress at what should have been inconsequential things, and ended leaving there less than a year later.

I've tried to learn as much as I can from it, which helps, but I still feel scared and vulnerable. I can only imagine how bad it would be with the PD person in the top position.

[EntWife]

I can only imagine how bad it would be with the PD person in the top position.

I never could have imagined! The owner totally scapegoats anyone who questions his behavior, just like the boss in SomethingElse's post! The business has been struggling not to go bankrupt for years and I'm actually hoping it DOES just to save anyone who works there from the toxicity! I'm just now realizing that the business is a cover for him - he tells his wife he's going to stay overnight in the city to "work," then spends the entire time drinking, doing cocaine, and going to the strip clubs while complaining about how hard it is to be a parent (pity-play, anyone?). 

[all4peace]

My first job as a teen was in a workplace in which the 3 managers openly talked about their sexual exploits after each weekend. The whole place became inappropriate and toxic, and it was "normal" for coworkers to comment on each other's bodies. One manager repeatedly "asked me out" even though I told him I was already dating. I was fired for showing up late 1 day (a fairly common occurrence for a workplace full of teens) and it was probably the best thing for me.

I found my own sense of integrity and "self" to have become dangerously eroded after 20+ years next-door and in multi-weekly contact with DH's PD family. I thought I was holding onto my values and sense of self, but I most definitely wasn't. It's my responsibility and I don't blame them, but I am now VERY careful about who I spend significant time with. We humans most definitely impact one another, for good or bad.

I'm sorry for the experience your DH had, and the painful breech of trust and PTSD it brought up for you. I'm thankful for your sake that you're in a better place now.