The Two-Year Guilt

Started by newme_whodis, February 27, 2019, 02:00:36 PM

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newme_whodis

Despite the huge amount of personal growth over the last few years, and with a two-year NC anniversary looming, I stumbled on an article that stopped me in my tracks:
https://theoutline.com/post/7096/ask-a-fuck-up-self-care?utm_source=contributor_pages

It's an advice columnist telling a reader that her brother, who appears to be setting boundaries with his family, is being selfish and shirking caretaking responsibility because it's hard work. "He is opting for avoidance and calling it freedom."

The writer doesn't appear to be professionally qualified, so I'm really trying to take it with a grain of salt. But it's hard, because this is exactly what pangs me with guilt: that I'm not able to care for my aging PD parents because I have to put my own health and safety first, and this will appear to be motivated by sheer selfishness to others. Anyone else struggle with this?

I don't deny my parents and other relatives have probably suffered in some way because I went NC. But I think of what LC would look like, and after a lifetime of things only getting worse - not better - I just don't think it's possible. To me, NC is an unfortunate part of the package of accepting my parents for who they are. Sending love and support to others out there struggling with NC.

Juniperberry

Wow, that hits me hard, too. 

To me, as I read it and think about it more, I realize that the writer does not give us a great deal of information to go on about the relationship that her brother chose to sever with their mother.  She doesn't see her mother as a problem, but we all have our own lenses.  I don't think anyone can truly judge the brother's behavior without understanding more about the relationship before it was severed.  There are two sides to every story, sometimes more... 

But yeah, that still hits my guilt triggers right where it hurts. 

Blue233

I know for me personally, I have made the right choice.  It wasn't a selfish one.  It wasn't done hastily.  It was agonizing and extremely painful.  I told my entire story to my therapist, and not only did she confirm my family was abusive, but she told me to stay the heck away from them.  When a professional validates your story and gives you permission to save yourself (by going NC), then there is no more guilt to be had. 

People who are not directly involved have no idea what it's like to have to save ourselves and cut contact with our abusive families.  This is not garden variety disagreements or "average" conflict that can be worked through.  It is years and years of invalidation, emotional and verbal abuse, physical abuse as well in my case, and my entire family ganging up on me and bullying me as an adult.  There was no relationship "to save".  There was no relationship ever.  Real relationships don't cause enormous amounts of repeated painful experiences and abuse. 

I know my family (brothers and father) that I have gone NC with certainly don't see it the way I do.  That's OK.  My father hasn't treated my brothers the way he's treated me.  And I understand they are not willing or able to break away and become independent from the toxic family dynamics.  That's OK too.  I don't hold that against them.  But I certainly am not going to keep putting up with their invalidation, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse anymore.  And I'm simply done.  And we don't need to justify ourselves to anyone else either.  We do what's best for us and our families, and that's none of anyone else's business at the end of the day.

So please don't feel guilty for going and staying NC.  You had to do it for your survival, not because you're some kind of jerk who's being a big meanie to your poor pitiful family.  It's terrible we have had to make this choice to begin with.   Sending over a big hug to you!

JustKat

I have to echo most of what Blue233 wrote. It was painfully hard for me at first, but I now realize that I made the right choice. Not a selfish choice, but a life-saving choice as I was suffering from crippling anxiety and suicidal depression as a result of their abuse. I also made the decision to go NC after years of therapy where I was told by three different Ts that the only way to stop abuse from a toxic person is to walk away.

I understand that articles like this can add to our guilt, but do take them with a grain of salt when they're written by unqualified people, as this one appears to be. Maybe the writer thinks she knows what she's talking about, but she doesn't. As we all know, the other siblings in a PD family are rarely aware of the abuse the scapegoat child endured. This line managed to validate me rather than guilt me:

"More specifically, he began therapy a while ago to work through some general anxiety and childhood stuff."

Childhood stuff. That's the term my enFather used all the time when talking about my issues with NPDmother. It was always "that stuff between you and your mother." The rest of my FOO also adopted the same attitude. "Stuff" is a word used by people who have NO idea what the other person endured. There are two sides to every story. If I had to make a bet, I'm guessing the son in this article had more in his past than just "childhood stuff."

People who haven't experienced toxic PD parents don't understand what we've been through, and REALLY don't understand NC. Try not to let things like this get you down. There's nothing selfish about putting your own mental and physical well being first. You went NC because they always put their needs before yours, and it harmed you. The only ones who should be feeling guilty are THEM.

It's time for you to care for yourself so you can heal. I totally understand and support your decision to go NC. Hang in there. You're going to be okay.
:hug:


newme_whodis

Thank you all for the encouragement, for validating that trigger, and for the fresh eyes on this topic. NC can be a real internal battle, but you all made my life easier over the past day. Thank you!!
Quote from: Blue233 on February 27, 2019, 09:00:04 PM
There was no relationship "to save".  There was no relationship ever.
This really resonated, because  it captures the falseness of the face of the PD relationship, making it so there never WAS one in the first place.

Quote from: JustKathy on February 28, 2019, 11:25:46 AM
Childhood stuff. That's the term my enFather used all the time when talking about my issues with NPDmother. It was always "that stuff between you and your mother." The rest of my FOO also adopted the same attitude. "Stuff" is a word used by people who have NO idea what the other person endured. There are two sides to every story. If I had to make a bet, I'm guessing the son in this article had more in his past than just "childhood stuff."
Wow. 'Stuff' is really an avoidant and pallid euphemism for 'abuse.' It has a real victim-blamey flavor to it, too. Ugh!

overitall

Just to let you know, it will get better...I am over 8 years NC with uBPDm and uNPDf...early on, I used to still experience guilt and anxiety...those days are pretty much over....after 5+ years of NC my parents gathered every.single.picture.ever of me and gave them to my adult child (stating to my child, "we don't know what to do with them, thought you might want them")  They have pretty much tried any way possible to trigger me into some sort of contact, yet to no avail and they are completely frustrated....

Whenever there is an extended period of calm, I know there will be some sort of FM attempt soon, so I have just accepted it and moved on with my life....

In order to keep my sanity, I have had to remind myself the facts of my PD family:

Both parents were abusive to me, mentally and physically....no excuse
Both parents were aware of a family member molesting me and did NOTHING to stop it (if this happened in today's world, they would probably be in jail)
Both parents accept zero responsibility for their behaviors...act as if they have "no idea" why I am NC
Any conversation/contact with them would provide only negative consequences for me and allow them to abuse me again
I am not responsible for them...they are old and alone because of THEIR choices

If a person has not grown up in a PD family, they cannot understand what we have experienced....the most important thing is for you to protect yourself.... :yeahthat:

Orangeblossom77

Yes, i get this feeling also. I had this comment from my sister in law, (when I said I felt my brother seemed to feel responsible for my uPD parents) - she said 'well he is a responsible person'  :unsure: inferring that I was, well, not. It made me feel irresponsible in general, and yes, possibly selfish. It's not easy. we're not responsible for them though, they are. We're responsible for our own choices and family of choice / children. I know I need to priority them, and protect my children. So, I try and let it go.

blacksheep7

#7
Yes, of course guilt will still come up after nearly two years nc. I live very close to NM, hoping to never bump into her.  We Acons were raised in guilt.
I also had good reasons for my mental health mainly, damaged  by NF &NM.
NF rages coupled with physical and mental abuse.  NM was Frivolous, enabled NF, invalidated me,  the  critics, the provoking or confronting me got to me over the decades. My parents were known to have much charm and charisma, for other people unfortunately.    We were hungry for love and attention, they had the spotlight.  It was their life, not ours.

I had severe anxiety and panic attacks, migraines which led me to the hospital in 2012 because I was having convulsions, due to my meds that my doctor tried to adjust.   NM knew about this from my sibs. She never called me or dh, which he said was the minimum to do, ask about my health,  No, she was a widow and a victim.

Quote: In order to keep my sanity, I have had to remind myself the facts of my PD family:
This is a regular exercise for me and also reading on this forum.   It does get better with time, slowly but surely.  :)
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou