The interrogations have gotten worse

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Jsinjin

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The interrogations have gotten worse
« on: March 01, 2019, 08:33:04 AM »
I learned of the world of PD after a breakdown that led to my counselors shring that my spouse likely has undiagnosed ocpd.   One horror point for me over 25 years has always been interrogations about things around the house that seem to have no meaning or context.   I am a stereotypical absent minded professor literally and figuratively and I often forget and set things down like a flashlight or put a glass on the "wrong" side of the cabinet when unloading the dishwasher.    This type of error has always resulted in interrogations from my wife that feel as though I am in a police room with detectives trying to get my story on a homicide.    As we have gotten older in our marriage these have intensified rather than slowing and the anger that occurs when I try to drop it is often to me and our teenage children.   The shift of any routine causes a litany of questiins: picking up our youngest from middle school track and taking her for an ice cream cone results in the firing of questions about "are you planning to do that every time?", "what made you want to just take her there? ", " Was her whole team going? ", " Why ice cream it's cold? " When my thoughts are 'who cares, it's a 10 min trip for a 2 dollar ice cream cone in a Friday afternoon with my 13 year old'     the mode of the interrogation is the same for me or the kids or her brothers.   There seems to be a need for a reason for things that are spontaneous or random accidents but the need doesn't seem to satisfy any actual objective; it's just a need.   

Does anyone else with an undiagnosed ocpd spouse have routine interrogations and do those get worse at times or as the spouse ages?

Thank you

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Whiteheron

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 09:20:06 AM »
Yes, although I believe stbx is undiagnosed NPD/BPD, but is diagnosed bipolar II.

In my mind I refer to it as his '20 questions'. Rapid fire, probing, questioning every little thing. It's insanity. I was forced to answer, it made me extremely uncomfortable and made me question myself on many occasions. He does it to the kids and they hate it. It did get worse as he aged (I was with him for over 20 years). So did his mental illness, and well, everything.

With my stbx, I firmly believe it has to do with control, or his lack thereof. If I strayed from the 'normal' routine, this meant a loss of control on his part - because hadn't he told me exactly how things should go several times before? Why am I doing something different or spur of the moment? This is not allowed. I must have a sinister ulterior motive. It's not the established routine. So he would pepper me with questions: why, what, why, what made you think...etc. As if he were examining every possible angle or permutation until he was satisfied that it was a one time "glitch" in his carefully scripted world.

Not sure if this helps any, but you are definitely not alone in this.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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coyote

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 11:03:33 AM »
jsinjin,
Mu uPPDw has done this. As I learned tool here of no JADE and no Circular Conversations and how to set Boundaries against abuse this has stopped. For me these interrogation are a form of emotional abuse. So I set my boundaries against it and follow through with logical consequences when boundaries are violated. Of course we don't have kids at home.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
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The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Mary

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2019, 11:33:03 PM »
I am learning to avoid times/places that are common for the interrogations/circular conversations to emerge. For example, rather by accident, I learned that getting ready in the AM is a bad time, and I can avoid it. I figured this out because I discovered black mold in the bathroom adjoining our bedroom. I have asthma, and the mold may be a trigger. So I began using another bathroom in the house until it's fixed. But now I'm thinking why go back to the interrogation?? I rather like getting ready in peace. I'm starting to discreetly move my essential items.

Another time for me to avoid is when uNPDh is snacking in the kitchen. A few chips along and he's yammering about why my parents hated him 25 years ago yada yada yada. Moving to snacking in front of the TV is much better for preventing unhappy conversations.

I hope you and your children can find greater peace in this area as Coyote suggests.

Peace,
Mary
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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11JB68

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2019, 11:58:30 PM »
Jsinjin....I strongly believe my h has ocpd as well. Maybe Some other (bpd, npd) traits...but to me he fits ocpd to a t. DS21 agrees with me. Yes, have experienced the interrogations, and difficulties with changes in routine. It's very difficult, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Check out the toolbox, very helpful, especially learning not to JADE.

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Samuel S.

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2019, 03:57:16 PM »
Such continuous questioning would make anyone go crazy. I suggest that this is his way to control what you do. It seems as though if the questions keep coming on, then, the intent is to make you want to stop doing what you are doing.

Your actions are loving, kind, and generous, like getting ice cream. As for placement of things supposedlyeing the wrong, oh, please. This is total BS.

If you were to question,just as much, then, all he’ll would break loose.

As to how to handle it, my T said to use my emotional shield of such toxic talk.

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MRound

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 08:54:29 PM »
I suspect this behavior is very common with a lot of pds.  In my case, it was a feature of my husband’s paranoia, but also of his need for control. I have a bit of PTSD whenever he asks me a question, even though he has ramped the questioning down a good deal.

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GentleSoul

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2019, 02:40:04 PM »
Hello Jsinjin, sorry you have this difficult behaviour to cope with.

My uPD hubby does similar.  He does it most when he is feeling stressed.  I think with him, it is fear based and the intensive questions are to soothe him. However, his version of stress is very different to mine.  He will stress over very tiny things.  The roof could be on fire and this wouldn't bother him however a trivial thing will drive him crazy.

How I dealt with it was to remove myself from the room as soon as he starts.  Also, as shared by Mary, I have noticed certain times and places likely to set him off, so I changed our routine. 

With these techniques the intense questioning has faded away.

Over time I have learnt to take the view that hubby is going to do what hubby is going to do so it is for me to dodge out of the way of it.  I do not have to sit like a prisoner being subjected to it.

Luckily he isnt the aggressive type, I know of some people where the PD demands they stay in the room and listen.  Or where the PD will follow them when they leave the room.

With my hubby usually by the time I casually come back into the room, he has completely forgotten about the "enormous disaster" that was worrying him!

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1footouttadefog

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 12:49:06 PM »
Control of course, however this is often a symptom of the pd projecting their own behaviors onto the non.

If for example they are being dishonest and hiding something they may project that you are also, causing them to be paranoid.

If they are having an affair this might turn into them examining your laundry, monitoring your phone usage and analyzing your text and emails and social media.

 

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Jsinjin

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 09:48:07 PM »
Thank you all for your input.    I have noticed that the interrogations (my term for them) are typically when there is an assumption of things someone in our home is trying to change or hide.    Her assumptions and paranoia are of either 'things' being lost or thrown away or someone doing something 'wrong. '   Both of these feelings seem to come from an ability to move 20 steps ahead in a scenario like some sort of chessmaster yet the supposition is in fact real to her.    She is typically trying to validate that a preconceived scenario has occurred.    A flashlight not being in the usual place in the laundry room means someone threw it away and the questions come from the viewpoint of why did you throw away the flashlight.    So I or one of the kids is battered by questions like "were the batteries dead?" or "did you just throw it away without checking the bulb? " When in fact someone did what you would expect and left it by accident in the garage or by the couch where they were looking underneath for something.   That's an example but it's near continuous.  If we don't respond the behavior turns violent often with smashing things around and very loud yelling of questions to the air and strong statements like "I guess we should just throw away anything that appears damaged" or if she thinks Tupperware has been lost or put in the wrong drawer ripping all of it out violently and yelling that she can't believe people just throw away her stuff.   The behavior used to be only surprising but it's become a point of absolute shock to me and the kids lately    a counselor pointing out OCPD helped me to recognize the pattern and the potential diagnosis.   The tough part is that if I refuse to engage or the kids refuse to engage she has no problem at all rasing the level of anger and destruction to an intolerable level and the kids say it scares them.   To be honest it scares me.   It's never really been this bad.   I appreciate the thoughts you have all posted.   

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11JB68

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 01:54:20 AM »
Jsinjin, my uOCPDh gets more angry if he feels that I'm not as upset as he is about something. Sounds like you may be experiencing something similar.

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Whiteheron

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2019, 09:22:46 AM »
Jsinjin, my uOCPDh gets more angry if he feels that I'm not as upset as he is about something. Sounds like you may be experiencing something similar.

 :yeahthat:
100%
If I didn't show I was as upset/angry as he was, it would eventually turn into a personal attack in which I got to hear about all of my "shortcomings."
It always felt like he wanted me along for the panic ride, even though my initial reaction to something is calm and analytical, not to freak out and wildly panic - which he expected me to do right along with him.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2019, 07:40:08 PM »
There was a period where my pdh would assume the worse and make all sorts of accusations and try to escalate things into a drama complete with rage.

These episodes were not quite the same as the paranoid complaints the OP has described, but they did seem to be related as the previous poster related to a need to have me become to become as upset or emotionally engaged as he was.  If I resisted, he ramped things up and would use personal attacks or attack others I know to prod me into anger.

The all or nothing g and black and white thinking would be applied especially at such times.

The primary location for such episodes was the kitchen.  He would sit at the counter and micro manage my actions and be exceedingly critical.  He would for example notice some water drip fromy hands onto counter or floor when I had washed them after handling chicken before taking a pan from oven.

He would say why don't you clean all of that water up.  I would say because I am not worried about it.  He would comment further and I used to jade by explaining g that I was in a hurry to get the pan from the oven and that I would worry about cleaning counter after I was donecutting meat and that I had only  washed my hands to avoid cross contamination.

He would then say things line: fine, I will stop doing dishes then.  Or I guess it does not matter if I get stuff on floor and he would spill his drink our it dump something near him on floor etc.

On and on until I got angry and argued.

At some point after coming Out of the FOG enough, I started turning burners off and ove. Off etc and leaving g the kitchen.  I would say of its not clean enough to suit you I will finish after you are done.

I made it known I would not be spoken to or remain in the room for raging and physical violence or vandalism such as emptying a glass or cabinet onto floor. 

I drew the same line over him trying to get me angry or upset about the news etc.

I even left with the kids a few times and got fast food and let him worry about his own dinner.

You have the right to draw a line against these rages and remove you and the kids from the area.

Over time it worked for us to have this boundary in place.


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MRound

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2019, 10:31:27 PM »
My uppdh has been dioing less of this lately, but this type of behavior (even down to the he topics—tools, kitchen implements, tupperware) were a constant source of friction.  I think there are complex reasons for this—anxiety, frustration, an inflated sense of his own memory, a certain snobbishness that he would prefer not to recognize, anger and depression—take your pick.  But his own frustration would invariably morph into suspicion and anger. I think it was cathartic for him but beyond upsetting for me.  I gave up showing any interest in his frustrations and .i remove myself from the room if it seems like he is going to really get going. But now he says I don’t wan5 to be around him.  Maybe that is true.

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Liftedfog

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2019, 10:10:54 AM »
Your posts triggered some 30 years worth of nasty and painful memories.   Horrible times.   I called it interrogation as well because he turned everything into a crime scene.   But it depended on his mood so I never knew when it would hit. So I walked on eggshells.  But when he was in a bad mood the 20/20 would start over trivial  things that morphed into me in a puddle of tears and exasperated.   He liked that because then he would say that I was proving I was guilty or I wouldn't be reacting this way.   I used to try so hard to ignore him.   I wish I had found this board and come Out of the FOG when I was still living with him.   But I came Out of the FOG after leaving him.     The weird thing is that sometimes he would make up stuff that wasn't true.  For example, one time he questioned why I was home later than usual.  I explained it was my usual time.  But he made up a story about how it wasn't my usual time.  It turned into a word salad and I had to get dinner ready for kids and he was wasting my time.  I was also controlled like a dog.  So I think his behaviour was a mix of need to control and dysfunction. 

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Whiteheron

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2019, 12:46:09 PM »
 :yeahthat:
I could have written most of your post word for word, liftedfog!
Same behaviors. Exactly.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Cottonanx

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2019, 03:22:39 PM »
The "are you planning to do that every time" is one my H does. I get so anxious just buying a box of cereal because he will either get mad at me for buying the wrong kind or expect/demand that I buy the exact same kind every time. It's like every decision = lifelong commitment.
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My story of growing up with parentification and living with anxiety as an adult.

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Alwaystoblame

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2019, 03:49:16 PM »
It's like having a drill sargeant in the house some times. My hubby is Undx ocpd and he cant let there be a day of peace. Always something wrong or always an issue with the way I do things. He works away from home on business a lot and when he is due to come home, I used to start getting tense and uptight. He usually walks into the house and within 5 minutes of being here he has found several things wrong, in the wrong spot, the house is dirty/messy (even though its absolutely spotless) I arranged food wrong in the fridge, I havent done enough around the house to satisfy him etc. I take care of paying the bills and household paperwork, but he will stand by my desk and ask 10 questions as to the state of our bills: did you pay this bill, do you have a receipt, when is this due, did you get the statement, did you check the statement, and it goes on and on and on. This is a control thing.He has family members who are the same and also undx. I have resorted to going silent, walking away while he is badgering, or just telling him to F-off. I have had several people tell me to work the tools, but at this point in my life I seriously dont give a fluff anymore.

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11JB68

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2019, 01:28:27 AM »
Cottonanx...oh yes...
Almost was in a big argument with uOCPDh this week about how I bought the wrong kind of popsicles...yeesh

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StayWithMe

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Re: The interrogations have gotten worse
« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2019, 12:07:35 PM »
Over my lifetime I have been prey to the aggressive direct kind of questioning and also to the subtle vague questioning as well.

I have finally learned to ask "why do you ask" to slow things down when questioned directly.  the other sneaky verbal device is to try to get someone to talk by making vague statements to which I have learned to say "And your point is......."

These days we have to be very careful.  We don't want to leave ourselves open to being forced into the one down position.  At the same time, we don't want to dissemble into aggressive behavior, profanity or other comments that can be used against us.