Could it be this easy???

[pushit]

I've met with a few lawyers and discussed my situation.  They have consistently told me the same thing, that my state is a 50/50 state and it's hard to get the courts to go more in either direction.  Also, my state is a "no fault" state so the courts don't care what may have happened during the marriage.  Basically, split all assets 50/50 and split all time and parenting decisions 50/50 unless there is a major reason not to.  So, they're basically all saying that I don't have much to worry about and that I should get an even split on everything.  FYI - I'm a stable adult, no criminal record, work full time and can provide plenty of evidence that I'm involved in all aspects of the kids' lives.

This has also been corroborated by a friend at work who recently got divorced (his wife is not PD from what I know).  He said it was simple, they met with a mediator and all her accusations got ignored and they split everything 50/50.  (I still plan to hire an attorney since my uPDw will be way more difficult)

I'm sure my uPDw will be disagreeable to everything, and will throw blame at me for everything.  But....without any proof should I have much to worry about?  I've heard some horror stories of PD divorces and am starting to wonder if some of those come from states that have different laws that make it harder for dads to get even time, or am I getting my hopes up that this could go somewhat smoothly?

Frankly, given my current situation where my wife gives me zero rights in the house or with the kids a divorce sounds like it will be much better.  Your thoughts?

[D.Dan]

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

[pushit]

I'm definitely preparing for the worst.  I'm just wondering if the laws in my state may make this less painful than some of the stories I read.

If the state defaults to 50/50 and she can't prove any kind of abuse, domestic violence, alcoholism (or anything else she can dream of) because it never happened, is this likely to be more about her blathering on and then the court sticking with 50/50 because there's nothing to back her stories up?  From what I hear, it seems like I just need to remain calm, wait out the storm, and then I should come out relatively unscathed and have equal parenting time so I can provide some calm structure for the kids.

I'd be curious to hear experiences from other folks that live in a no fault state that tends to consider both parents to be on an equal level.

The thing is, I'm totally onto her patterns now.  She gets stressed out, starts trying to pick fights with me, blames me for everything happening in the house (her arguments with the kids, the tension, our kids acting out, her troubles at work, etc), tells our families how I have problems (tells them I'm abusive, depressed and she wants to get me help).  Then she never follows through with anything.  She told my sister several months ago that she wanted to get together for lunch so they could brainstorm how to get me help, to no surprise she never followed up on this.  (My sister is aware of what's going on, so she was just going along with the rant at the time)  Then it's the same cycle - wash, rinse, repeat.  I just don't react anymore and we remain in spin cycle.  I wonder if this is what court would look like?  Different accusations all the time, never going anywhere, then start over again with new accusations and nothing has any teeth?

Looking for input and also just getting some of my thoughts out there.  I know nobody has a crystal ball to predict what may happen, part of this is just me being nervous that I have no idea what to expect of her.  Crazy behavior is crazy behavior and there's no telling what she'll do once I file.

[D.Dan]

I'm from Canada so I can't say what will most likely occur. I do know that where I live, we're supposed to split custody and assets 50/50 unless there are major issues involved (like in my case).

My ex still tried to take as much assets as possible instead of splitting it, tried for shared custody, tried to give our marital home to his parents, and also played the "I agree, but I don't have to do it right?" game. (Where he agrees to something eg, child support, then immediately tries to convince the court that he shouldn't have to pay it) He lied about almost everything, even his lawyer was lying.

The worst part though, was seeing how unhinged he actually was in front of the Judge! I didn't realize how bad off he really was.

Also, read court documents carefully. I had to get our interim order amended because someone altered the final copy before filing it with the court. I have the first draft of it in my email and noticed the discrepancy between the 2. Only my ex benefitted from the extra words added, which would alter the protection order I have against him, placing me and the kids in danger.

[pushit]

Thanks for that advice.  I know nobody has a crystal ball, and I'm expecting pretty much the same behavior you described.  My uPDw will want 100% of everything to go to her and be unwilling to discuss any compromise.  (Incidentally, that describes our marriage perfectly, and is the reasoning I'm going to file!)  If it's like that in our marriage, no reason to believe anything would be different in court...

I don't mean to pry, but how did your situation end up?  Did things eventually get settled pretty fairly or did the courts buy into the bluster and b.s.?

[D.Dan]

We are still in limbo but it looks like that might be ending soon. There are some recent court changes geared to speed up the divorce process to 2 years or less.

Truthfully, the only thing holding up my divorce is the marital home. But that's being dealt with. The court wants to keeps our kids in their home.

So far, I've gotten everything I've asked for. I do have to be a bit of a harda$$ about things my ex has to do, by forcing him through court and other programs. He is lazy and will avoid his responsibilities if he can get away with it.

Everything else is supposedly settled, he agreed I should have full custody because of the kids needs, he agreed to pay child support from the government guidelines through a maintenance enforcement program (he gave them MY contact info as his own, I redirected them to his parents  ), he also agreed to supervised visitations through an Access Centre (I already contacted them but to get on their wait list, HE has to contact them, I've asked them for letters to prove I am NOT withholding the kids), and he agreed to having the divorce.

The games have mostly stopped now, and I guess his parents got bored of seeing me do the exact same thing I've always been doing, chores, child rearing, and grocery shopping.

I will say that originally, our judge hated my guts and assumed that I was putting my ex wrongly through the wringer. She was trying to convince me to drop my PO, and allow unsupervised visitations with the kids. When I refused, that made her angrier but she still stuck to the 50/50 divorce template (50/50 assets and 50/50 custody with kids having sole occupancy of marital home). My ex agreed to visitations which moved everything along and then it all came to a halt at the house. That's when he went off the deep end and the judge had to start making rulings in the best Interests of the kids, which coincedentally happened to be what I wanted.

In the end the judge was patting my hand, said how she loved how organized I was and that it must be extremely useful in my life while dealing with the kids needs. (I had showed up with a portable filing folder filled with copies of important papers I thought I might need even though it wasn't a trial, turned out I did use some of those papers)

To answer the BS question... Yes she did believe him a little at first. She seemed to believe his emotions (he was crying saying he missed the kids) She did show confusion over his income statement (it was full of lies) despite his crying, and she was watching my reactions like a hawk. I only answered the questions she asked, which meant that by the end, she was fully listening to everything I said while trying to shush my ex because he was not answering anything just repeating a single sentence. In the end she didn't believe him at all.

[pushit]

I'm happy to hear things are working out for you on this (even though it's a massive headache).

My situation is a little different I think, based on your description of your ex being lazy (which leads me to assume he wasn't very involved with the kids).  She is always very concerned about her public image, and does the "right" things in terms of having the kids in activities, takes them to the doctor, is involved with school and homework, etc.  So she'll be able to point to these things and claim she is doing a lot of the child rearing.  I hope that doesn't lead to a lot of difficulty for me. 

I'll admit she is involved in their lives and it looks good on paper, but it's highly dysfunctional.  The flip side, is life at home with her is a living he11.  Kids are learning to play the piano, great.  What people don't see is D6 crying every night while mom is badgering her to practice piano, then mom screaming and sending her to her room when she doesn't enjoy it.  And then.....mom yelling at me when I suggest that maybe D6 could try a different instrument if she doesn't enjoy it....or mom screaming at D6 and me when D6 hides from her instead of happily getting in the car to go to dance class.  Or the standard morning routine of waking everyone up 15 minutes before leaving for school, and mom screaming at crying kids to hurry up, while she also screams at me that I'm not helping enough.  Or yelling at me when I try to wake them up 20 minutes earlier.  The kids are consistently arriving late to school because uPDw can't get her act together enough to get out the door on time, yet refuses to adjust anything.  I could give a million examples of interactions like these....the underlying issue is no one is allowed to be an individual.  We all must go along with the decisions uPDw makes for us, without anyone else being allowed to have input or even be aware of the decisions sometimes.

However, I've been involved with the kids too.  I watch the kids a lot while mom works, go to all their performances, take them to activities, help with homework, etc.  Except uPDw says I "don't do anything" and I'm sure will claim to the courts that she does it all.  We'll see how it goes.  I do have a good amount of documentation to show how involved I am, and showing the dysfunction at home, so hopefully that helps.

The person that used to seem to have it all together is unraveling at this point.  Got demoted from a high level position at work, constantly running around frazzled, engaging in arguments with the kids and me every night, now the kids are starting to act out, etc.  Based on all the crazy circular arguments I hear at home, I just have a gut feeling that people with common sense are going to eventually see through her claims.....I certainly hope so.