PDs contacting your family

  • 3 Replies
  • 662 Views
*

anxiousmom

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 69
PDs contacting your family
« on: March 02, 2019, 01:53:00 PM »
I am utterly speechless at this one.

Just found out BPDexH, in the middle of impulsively taking me back to court to modify custody only 2.5 years after our uncontested divorce, texted MY FATHER last night asking him how he had been.

Is this a tactic? What possible tactic could this be? He knows well enough to know he isn't going to somehow turn them against me. They don't talk, except when they are all at the same place and even then, it's always exH who tries to engage my parents, who very clearly wish to minimize any contact with him.

This text was out of nowhere. Any reasonable person would not think it was appropriate to seek out small talk with your ex's parents WHILE you are dragging them back to court....am I wrong?

Please tell me I'm not the crazy one. Because this is crazy making.

(PS- for those wondering, unfortunately my dad responded, because he's an EXTREMELY non confrontational person, to a fault. But I established today that he is NOT to respond at all and to tell me immediately if he receives any more contact from him.)

*

hhaw

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3604
Re: PDs contacting your family
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2019, 03:16:39 PM »
I am utterly speechless at this one.

Just found out BPDexH, in the middle of impulsively taking me back to court to modify custody only 2.5 years after our uncontested divorce, texted MY FATHER last night asking him how he had been.

Is this a tactic?  Yes. What possible tactic could this be?IF your ex PD can get some members of your inner circle on his side, advocating for him, then he sees it as a tactical win.  And it might be if he can do it.
  Firstly, it's insidiously undermining of your mental health to have members of your family/inner circle and friends questioning you, asking stupid questions, and suggesting you should do as the PD requests, etc.  Been there.  Done that.
 I was just chatting last week with someone from my old inner circle who was manipulated by my PD.  This friend still says stupid things, and asks stupid questions.  The PDs target topics of discussion they KNOW are triggers for their audience, and they go for it.  I'm shocked at how effective it can be. 
He knows well enough to know he isn't going to somehow turn them against me. They don't talk, except when they are all at the same place and even then, it's always exH who tries to engage my parents, who very clearly wish to minimize any contact with him.  You're very lucky.  Sometimes people can be manipulated, and the PDs are always always angling for a foot hold.  Sometimes it pays off.  Don't ask, don't get is their motto, so they ask.  Even when in absurd circumstances, IME.

This text was out of nowhere. Any reasonable person would not think it was appropriate to seek out small talk with your ex's parents WHILE you are dragging them back to court....am I wrong?  If only you were dealing with a reasonable person, but you aren't.  Assess what the PD has done.  Accept it.  Act to counter it, whatever that may be.  Do you need to document something in this case?  Remember, you can't out crazy crazy, but sometimes.... sometimes... you can get the PD to write something helpful down. 

Please tell me I'm not the crazy one. Because this is crazy making.  When I first started this journey, someone well ahead on this path told me we shouldn't try to make sense of the nonsensical, bc it will never make any sense.  Those were wise words that helped me stop wasting time I could better spend on other things. 

- for those wondering, unfortunately my dad responded, because he's an EXTREMELY non confrontational person, to a fault. But I established today that he is NOT to respond at all and to tell me immediately if he receives any more contact from him.)
  That's likely for the best. 
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

*

11JB68

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1980
Re: PDs contacting your family
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2019, 05:17:44 PM »
Imo part of it is clearly manipulation. Part of it I think though relates to their complete lack of respect for boundaries and/or having none themselves.
My uPD SIL ran into my (nc) foo, including uPDm at a restaurant. Rather than just say oh hi, etc, they ask sat down and ate together!  :wacko:
Then SIL told uOCPD fil all about it, and he then told me and my updh.
Updh and his uPD sis barely tolerate each other. So I'm sure it was a lovely lunch with lots of bashing of both of us. And my parents made a point of telling my SIL how they've 'adopted' my adult cousins...you know, since they no longer have a daughter.
If I were to run into a friend or relative of uPDm I would just be polite and go on my way.

*

athene1399

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1314
Re: PDs contacting your family
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 11:20:01 AM »
Either he's fishing for information, doing it to mess with you, or just does not understand how strange that is. My SO's uBPDxw would reach out to his family because she felt they would side with her. Regardless of what he is trying to do, you did the right thing by telling your dad not to respond. Maybe give the heads up to other family/friends.