Advice needed about NM

[Sunny77]

Hi All

Firstly,I'm so pleased to find this forum and can relate to many things.
I have been NC with NM for about 1 year. After many years of what I can only describe as mental torture.I will not go through the long list of things she said/done/react over 20+ years.
Anyhow I decided I needed to look after my own mental health before she drove me insane.
She has never made any real attempt to reconcile in that time.Which is fine by me.I wait has been lifted off my shoulders.

But over the last couple of weeks the guilt feelings have been raising their heads.I sometimes can not shift them and feel emotional and drained about this full situation that SHE has caused.

I am wondering if going to counselling would help and if it is really beneficial,for someone in my situation?

Anyone with any advice I would much appreciate it!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Sunny77,

I've been NC with uNPDM for 10 years now.

The first year was a lot of confusion and shock. Year 1 NC was different from YR 2, and for me I ended up struggling through a lot of other years because my counselor was not skilled in helping someone who was 3 year NC, 4 years NC, etc...

I have come to understand that there is a whole process that will unfold, after we feel a safe distance from them, safe being the key word. When I first went NC, I thought that she was the only problem (because her behaviours, the words you used, mental torture, are totally apt). Yes, going NC was necessary so that I could breathe and live my own life, but I also had to learn about myself in a way that was never ever possible around her, because of course, it's not safe to feel and think and relax around her. Ever.

So my advice is, trust your self and reach out for resources as you are doing, and let this deeper emotional stuff tell you what it is you need. I have come to understand the process as a  grieving process, and there are some really good articles about grief and c-ptsd online if you google around.

My advice about a counselor is that you will benefit from a counselor who understands personality disorders, and is trauma informed. Not all counselors are. They should have skills in guiding clients in understanding one's emotions. In my opinion, the long term goal after ending contact with a NPD parent, is to truly feel confident and trust yourself more than you ever got to while in contact with that parent. It seems to be a multi year process with gains along the way, that the counselor should help you to celebrate, especially if you have a tendency to downplay your own wins and successes in your life (one of the many ways we protected ourselves around the N parent, was to not 'need' the things that build our self esteem).

My N mother was so full blown NPD, she would praise me for not needing to feel good about myself. How f'd up and twisted it all was. How happy I am that I am 10 years NC from that.

You can do this.

[Sunny77]

Hi!

Thanks very much for your response and advice. Yeah I think I need to understand that this is a grieving process and learn that I am able to listen to myself and not question myself all of the time. Unfortunately this is the result of the NM-as you will be aware!
My goal will be to maybe not seek the approval of people/friends for making the decision of NC.I know for myself,it was the only way.
Anyhow thanks again!!

[Twinkletoes88]

I just wanted to say that I went to see a therapist 4.5 years ago not having a clue my mother was a narcissist and it's the best thing I have EVER done for myself.

Therapy has changed my life.

You seem miles ahead of where I was but I think a counsellor could REALLY help you. It's hard enough for me with one so doing it alone but me horrific!

I think it helps to have someone who understands. Someone who doesn't judge you. Someone to sympathise and "hold" you mentally when you feel weak and uncertain or when th grief gets too much. It helps me to stop thinking it's all my fault and I'm being horrible or holding a grudge etc... it helps me to listen to her repeat my words back to me and hear them properly...

Why not give it a go? You have nothing to lose. I personally have psychotherapy / psychodynamic which is all about attachment and that's what I think the damage of narcissistic or otherwise personally disordered parents cause - its all about attachment. Find a good therapist who deals with attachment and understands narcissism. X

[Juniperberry]

I am wondering if going to counselling would help and if it is really beneficial,for someone in my situation?

There are very few easy answers with family dysfunction, but this is an easy one.  If you wonder if counseling would be helpful to you, you should go see a counselor.

Personally, I've found it tremendously helpful, and I don't want to imagine my life now had I not sought counseling. 

Worst case scenario, you don't like it.  You're out a little money, but no other harm done. 

Enjoy having an easy answer for once.  Call tomorrow and make an appointment.  If you have health insurance, use that directory to find a covered provider.  Or call the front office of your primary care and ask for counselors they recommend.  Or google your city and the word therapist and call the one whose online presence strikes you as a decent match.  If you don't know where to start at the actual appointment, print your post here and bring it with you and read it to the therapist.  The therapist will take it from there.