How to go NC?(should I?)

Started by smarty, March 08, 2019, 05:05:43 AM

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smarty

So some background...
I live overseas so don't see my unBPDm but once a year thankfully. Emails and calls are infrequent, maybe every couple months(because I mostly ignore attempts at contact more often than that) and I generally feel at peace and hardly think of her at all. I feel I've worked up to this really low contact with her over many years of slowly stepping away and freeing myself from dependency and now I don't know if it's at a point where it's so little contact that I should just leave it(even though a full week visit once a year is still very uncomfortable for me!) or continue to move forward until I reach complete no contact.
I guess I'm just wondering how do I do that??
The one week visit once a year(to see grandkids mostly...her and I barely talk whole time it's so awkward) seems like so little I feel like it would seem heartless of me to not let her have even that. I also get the feeling we are 'keeping up appearances' by at least having that, because without that there would be no contact at all and what would that look like?(to my grandparents especially).
I have been good about establishing boundaries for example it is maximum 1 week not more, and she cannot stay at my place she needs to find a hotel. I also don't allow her to be alone with my children, so I am always present although she of course tries to step away so she can slobber all over them and take a million photos and videos of them(very triggering for me when she does that)...last time she wanted kisses if they were to get presents and I said we don't do that(ie force affection in order to get gifts/treats...they need to say thank you of course, but don't have to hug or kiss if they don't want).
I don't know what I'm asking here...basically am I pushing it too hard getting rid of this week a year we're hanging on to, or what? My husband also wants to stop this...but I said I'm working on it...it's taken me years to get to this point and I feel like slow and steady does it, like if I just disappear suddenly it would seem horrible of me. She can clearly tell how much I've stepped back though so I feel she's hanging on to this last thread, she 'invites herself' of course, and she pretends everything is just fine and normal and tries to play 'good granny'. So I wonder how much longer this dance will continue. I always feel so good about where I'm at, but then as her visit approaches I just feel anxious and sense of dread.

illogical

Hi Smarty,

I totally get what you are saying in your post-- that "sense of dread" at the thought of the annual visit. 

I think you've done a really outstanding job on setting your boundaries here. 

I have found from personal experience that that "sense of dread" sets in when you feel you aren't in control.  I think that may be what's going on here.  For the rest of the year-- i.e., not that one week she visits-- you can manage the once every couple of months emails and calls.  Then that One Week rolls around and it feels as though your mother is in charge.  From your post, you say that your mother "invites herself".  Also troubling is that she sweeps everything under the rug-- and by now, "everything" must be the size of an elephant-- and carries on as if nothing is wrong and she is Glenda the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz, coming down from her cloud once a year, smothering your children with xoxoxos, and being the wonderful and magical person she must think she is.  Yeah-- I can see where that could be very nauseating.  The fakery and phoniness of it all. 

Maybe take a year off from her visit and see what happens.  You don't have to make it permanent.  See how you feel.  Has she already set the date to come?  That might be difficult if she has.  But I would tell her something like, "I know you are planning to come visit this Spring (or whenever), but now is not a good time for us."  If she asks "Why?"  I would be very vague-- "It's just not."    If she asks when a good time would be, say "I'll get back to you on that."  If she persists on asking you if something is wrong, I would hedge and say "Nothing's wrong.  We're very busy and this is not a good time."  I would be very firm and in control here.

I would not let her bait me into a fight.  She may very well try to do that.  It would do little good to address the elephant in the room here, because she is likely never going to admit to any wrongdoing.  When I went no contact with NM, I gradually let go of the rope.  So you may want to move in that direction by not allowing her to visit this one year, then see how you feel.

It is your house, your family.  Even though your mother is staying in a hotel room, she's still coming into your space uninvited.  So my humble advice is to hedge, hedge, hedge this year.  Keep repeating your "Now is not a good time" until she goes away.  Don't JADE.  You own her no explanation as to why she can't come this year.  If she escalates, say "I've told you several times that now is not a good time for you to visit us.  I don't know how to make it any plainer.  I've nothing else to say on the matter." 

I don't think it's "heartless" of you to cut out the annual visits.  What, really, do they accomplish?  Do they make your life better?  Your kids' lives better?  It doesn't sound like it.  In fact, it stresses you out.  Please put yourself first here.  There is a reason (maybe many reasons) you have reduced contact with your uBPDm.  Maybe remind yourself of those reasons.  Write a list and re-read it.

If the only reason you are allowing your mother to visit once a year is guilt, that's FOG she's using to manipulate you into getting her annual visit.  So, take a break from that FOG this year and see how you feel.  It's very hard to go No Contact.  You don't have to make the decision right now.  Take another step in that direction, let the chips fall, then see how you feel.  Take care!

"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

smarty

Illogical...thank you so much for your lengthy and thoughtful reply! So kind of you to take the time to do that and I think you hit the nail on the head without even knowing so many details!
You're right...just as I've gradually put distance between her and I with calls/communication it can be the same with these visits and maybe that is the way forward for me now, as you suggested, skipping a year and see what happens, or making it a year and a half, then 2 etc.
it is exactly that...feeling out of control, over my feelings, my children, etc that week she visits. I don't like the version of myself that they are seeing...cold, quiet, serious, unfriendly...I hate for them to see me acting like that with someone who, to them, appears to be a perfectly lovely person showering them with gifts and affection. She also abandoned us for a couple years when we were small and my son is now the age my brother was so that could also be something going on in me that is hard to deal with, I don't know.
I fear she's already bought expensive tickets so I'm not sure I can get out of this next visit but I will have to work on pushing the next one as far into the distant future as possible.
My sister believes that M would love to continue her 'Glenda the good witch' act and bait me into a situation where I do blow up, or say I'm cutting contact so that she can finally be 'off the hook' and let everyone know that she really is the victim of smarty's vengefulness and that the failure of the relationship is my fault(I'm her scapegoat...can you tell?). So I realize I've also got to let go of my fear of the smear that is likely to happen if I completely cut contact. That may be why I prefer a gradual approach, so it doesn't appear so obvious that I'm doing it...is it called 'ghosting'? Anyway, thanks for your suggestion and I guess time(a lot of time!) will tell if I manage to follow through with my plan.

illogical

Smarty,

If you can't get out of this next visit, maybe you can still exercise a bit of control to get you through it.  Perhaps you could meet her several times at "neutral" locations such as the park, or a cafe-- anything to minimize time she spends at your house.  The thing about her spending time at your place is that she can kinda hold you hostage.  I mean, sure, you can always tell her to leave, but this could be very hard, especially if she has her Glenda the Good Witch act on.  So I would try to minimize the time she has you "cornered" at your place where escape is going to be harder for you.

Also, I wouldn't be caught alone with her.  She is less likely to act out if you have a friend, your husband or your children with you.  Image is so important to PDs (of the Cluster B variety).  I'm sure that's why she is careful to put on the "Glenda act" around your family.

Finally, even if you can't practically get out of this visit, you know you can look toward and plan for the future, when you start well before she has had time to buy the tickets, telling her not to come this year because it's "just not a good time".  I think that knowing you have a plan for the future and won't be held hostage by her insistence she visits every year is very important.  Knowing you have a plan for the future and that you have control over future visits and can shut her down may go a long way toward making this visit at least tolerable.  Good luck & let us know how it goes!
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

smarty

Yes!!! You're exactly right about the staying out of the house part...it gets hard with young ones and expensive sometimes to stay out everyday for a week, but I'm going to have to make that effort I think for my own sanity! Pack lunches, find free activities and make it work.
Last time I made the mistake of being home too much I think, and having to cook and serve and have her around until really late as well, until bedtime! Because she wanted to spend every moment of the week together because 'who knows when I'll get to see them again!!' :roll:  I think I am going to be more strict and say that I need to begin bedtime routine earlier and that it's best she head off before then so that they aren't distracted.

WomanInterrupted

I fear she's already bought expensive tickets so I'm not sure I can get out of this next visit but I will have to work on pushing the next one as far into the distant future as possible.

Why don't you just ask her?   :yes:

If she has, you can tell her it's not a good time, and she needs to look into a refund - you'll keep her posted on when a good time to visit will be.

And then you just don't.   :ninja:

If she hasn't - tell her you've all got SO much going on, and you'll let her know when a good time to visit will be.

And then you just don't.   :ninja:

She doesn't get to invite herself - that's rude, presumptuous, and something only somebody who is extremely entitled and self-absorbed would do - and it doesn't mean you have to put up with it.   :yes:

Your *boundary* is YOU will invite *her* when you'd like her to visit.

If you and yours think that's the 12th of Never - that's the answer.  That's your *boundary.*   :thumbup:

You are *allowed* to say, "I don't want my mother in my home."

That's perfectly reasonable - and I had the same boundary when it came to unBPD Didi.   

I did NOT want her in this house, for any reason.   :P

If your mother complains that she's bought tickets and can't get a refund on such short notice - tough.

*You didn't invite her.*  That's a *consequence* she has to face for *assuming* she's welcome, at any time.

You're an adult, and your mother doesn't get to make the rules.  YOU make the rules on your time, who you have in your home, and IF you even want to see that person.

She says she's coming anyway, MAKE time for her.   :dramaqueen:

Ask what HOTEL she's booked - if she says she's staying at yours, you have to be  *firm* and tell her, "No, you need to Google hotels.  You can't stay here."

Why!?!?!?!?   :dramaqueen:

Take a DEEP breath and tell her, "You can Google hotels or not, but you can't stay here.  That is OUR decision, and I have to go - goodbye."   :ninja:

Then hang up.  Block her number if you feel comfortable doing it - or ask your DH to do it for you.

He sounds like he might be on that page.   8-)

"OUR" is an important word, meaning there's no room to divide and conquer - but she'll probably try to blame your DH for "brainwashing" you.   :roll:

It's so typical, on planet PD.   :abduct:

*IF* you decide to unblock her - that's your *choice.*  You don't have to.  You might decide you like the peace and quiet.   :yahoo:

I know you said you don't have contact often, but once you lay down a boundary - or disagree - they tend to act like children, wheedling, whining, and constantly tugging at the hem of your proverbial skirt, trying to cajole or annoy you into getting their way - which is why I recommend blocking her number for a period of time *you* deem acceptable.   :)

Well, that was my experience with unBPD Didi - and I didn't have blocking technology at the time.  I had an answering machine she'd try to annoy, instead.   :dramaqueen: :blahblahblah: :dramaqueen: :violin:

You and your DH call the shots - not your mother.  8-)

If you don't want her to  visit - you can make that happen, even if her visit is right around the corner.  :yes:

You are NOT responsible if she bought tickets.  She should have checked with you first and *waited for you to issue the invitation, then brainstormed with  you on which week works best.*   :thumbup:

If she comes anyway, and you know the week - you can always choose to not answer your door, or take a mini-vacation and stay at a hotel. 

You don't have to put up with an invasion - you have *options.*   :yes:

And it all starts with asking if she bought tickets, taking a deep breath, and realizing nothing terrible is going to happen if you say NO.

The world won't end.  The sky won't fall.  Life will go on.

You just have to believe that, because it's the truth.   :sunny:

:hug:

smarty

Sorry for the super late reply...but WomanInterrupted...everything you write is what I WISH I could do and say!!!! I want so much to just say 'yeah please don't come then or ever again thanks!' But what's stopping me? Why can't I just do it? What am I still so afraid of?!? :'(
It just makes me so darn mad at myself! I think I've come so far in my healing and I feel like I've made such progress and then I'm back to being a submissive scared little kid, and then I just HATE myself!!! Then I hate myself even more because I feel like I should 'protect' my family/kids from this person as well. What is stopping me?!?!? I wonder if I'll EVER get there :'(
Sorry for the self-loathing...I've just had an email from her and just feeling so gross and like I'll never get away from her completely.