Mother’s Day

Started by Twinkletoes88, March 03, 2019, 10:19:30 AM

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Twinkletoes88

I'm just curious, for anyone that is Low contact or even VLC, what do you plan to do for Mother's Day? In the UK it's coming up and it's on my mind a lot.

Are people sending cards? Ignoring the day entirely? Seeing their mothers for lunch etc?

It's making me anxious this year as we are VLC this year whereas last year we were completely NC so I just ignored it. This year I feel like I have to acknowledge it and her (I know I don't HAVE to, but I feel I do) and her I don't want to be fake or be a hypocrite....


truthseeker4life

Ugh not discussions of mother's day already!

I am ELC with my mom almost 3 years. I stood up for myself and she has been unaccountable for her bad behavior and wishes to pretend she did nothing. I am not having it. So basically she is ignoring me except when someone is dying or dead or my birthday. I don't call her as she gets off the phone very quickly without asking about me or my family. Done with it all.

The past few years I send flowers with a very basic flower card of happy mother's day love... attached. I send it to honor her humanity. That is it.

I don't call her. I don't see her. Too much PTSD and too much pretending and holding of my tongue. My 3 koolaid drinking sibs can fawn over her and fight over the crumbs of love that she offers.

I make the day about me. I am a mother to 2 young daughters. We go to a garden with my husband and have a picnic as a family.

Wishing you strength to honor yourself and do what feels right for you and your situation with your mother.

Twinkletoes88

I know sorry, I know we have 2 or 3 weeks yet but it's worrying me already!

I don't blame you at all and think you've got it right!! I see my mother once every 2 months for an hour but we also don't speak by phone or anything and she also doesn't acknowledge my husband or stepchildren - she also will not be accountable for the things she's done and wishes to "move on" without actually sorting anything out - which I've refused.

I just worry this year what will happen. Will she ask me to see her? Will she expect me to arrange something - will she know not to expect to see me? I find the whole thing horribly triggering and stressful. I hate MD more than Christmas!

truthseeker4life

I'm in the US and mother's day is isn't until May 12.  So I have a few more weeks thank goodness!

I hear you re the anticipation bit. I work myself into a emotionally frenzied mess whenever I "have to" see her. Like it's ridiculous - I have problems sleeping a week or more before I see her and then I often get a virus afterwards. Total adrenaline before and then it plummets afterwards leaving me depleted and prone to viruses.

Scary how my own mom can do this to my body. It has to be CPSTD or something. At the very least - a response to a toxic person.

My body saying - stay away!

Twinkletoes88

Oh my goodness me too!!! It's awful that our own mothers can do that to us isn't it?  I also feel unwell afterwards and I also struggle with sleep and with headaches etc before. I often cry a lot afterwards, though sometimes it's a delayed reaction of a few days. At first I feel relief that I've done my duty for a while. Isn't that awful?

I think it's a PTSD type response for sure. Our bodies holding all of the fear and guilt and anxiety and grief etc.... very sad.

35andnewlife

Just reading about Mother's Day makes me anxious.

I am a mom myself. Last year, I spent it with my parents and my daughter. I got my mom a lovely scarf and she got me...a box of cookies. Not wrapped or with a card, very obviously picked up at the grocery store on the way.

This year, I am almost NC again and I don't want to follow the script anymore. I want to spend it with my own family.

I wish I could follow my own advice so easily, but I say do what you want. It's okay to go off script this year.  :)

DM178

Hello;

How and if/when we choose to recognize our mothers, feels like it has been a real journey for me...I used to really struggle with this day in so many ways, even when I was in contact with my UBPD M...I have been NC for several years now, and these past few years it has felt different...much easier to accept the day, process it and move along with it...

I think this is because I have been able to really dig in, process and accept the reality of my UBPD M's illness, and that she chooses to still be a very spiteful, nasty and angry person to all who are in her path.

I am curious if others have felt the same...a shift in a positive way with the entire process? Or perhaps a shift in a negative way, dependent upon other situations?

I wish all in this forum a peaceful journey towards this day!
"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." – Viktor Frankl

EnglishLady

Dear Twinkletoes
I completely ignore the day as far as my toxic Mother is concerned.  She doesn't deserve my presence or a gift.  I concentrate on my FOC and have a lovely day with my Daughter.  My "Mother" wouldnt even even notice I haven't visited.  In my humble opinion they dont deserve our care and attention on that day, or any day, but I appreciate that every situation is different . 

I used to dread Mothers Day, with all the gushing on social media etc, but now I am at a stage where I just think it's just another day......and I am a Mother that has a healthy relationship with my Daughter.

I can't understand why a Narc Mother would be celebrated, as to me it just feels as though their behavior is being enabled .....or am I wrong ?   :stars:

I wish you strength and happiness on your journey :) xx


Peace Lily

Hi Twinkletoes, last year I Sent a card, not a mother's day card, and in it wrote a brief message about the fact I was thinking of her which wasn't a lie exactly and some of my thoughts at the time were empathetic at least - I was vvlc. Now I am at bit more in contact via emails and struggling more. I am in a different place and haven't sent my card yet or even bought it. I currently have less empathy for my mother and am worried about her reaction. The birthday card I Sent resulted in some horrible emotional blackmail so maybe that's s why I'm struggling. You never know what you'll get back in return. Thanks for your post - it"s good to know I'm not alone.
"It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind". Aisha Mirza

smarty

I'm sorry you're feeling such anxiety, it must be tiring but I can relate too! Although MD doesn't cause me anxiety anymore thank goodness, but used to.
If I remember correctly I think I used to go along with the whole 'sending a card' but I tried to get the ones with NO lovey dovey messages, just straightforward 'happy MD' then signed it...then I moved on to just sending an email, again a one-liner just 'happy md, hope you have a great day...' and then I moved onto not even writing an email but just sending one of those FREE e-cards to her email...and NOW I send nothing, I don't acknowledge the day at all(except for with my husband and kids). I think this all happened naturally though as I became less and less in contact with her so it wasn't an abrupt thing, you know?
The way you go about it could also depend on the 'flavour' of queen you're dealing with...my M was a queen/witch but very detached from us, neglectful, out and having her own life...so our little MD cards or valentines and all that weren't something that ever interested her that much. I understand though that many others here have M's that are the exact opposite and that suffocated their kids and demand their constant attention and devotion. My M does of course want to be able to 'show off' publicly but I think she's so embarrassed about how little any of her children speak or see her that she pretends it's not happening...she wouldn't go screaming about not getting flowers or cards from any of her children because what would that look like?
So maybe you could start with 'baby steps' if that makes you feel more comfortable? My baby steps made me feel empowered just enough to say 'hey ok at least I'm going in the right direction here...albeit a bit slowly ;D ' it could be a change so smal just you realize it but it could make you feel more in control? Just a thought
Good luck!

smarty

Ohhh I just realized that MD has passed in the UK hasn't it :doh: lol
Well I hope everything went alright and that you are getting back to a lower level of anxiety ;)