Motherís Day

  • 10 Replies
  • 529 Views
*

Twinkletoes88

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 193
Motherís Day
« on: March 03, 2019, 12:19:30 PM »
Iím just curious, for anyone that is Low contact or even VLC, what do you plan to do for Motherís Day? In the UK itís coming up and itís on my mind a lot.

Are people sending cards? Ignoring the day entirely? Seeing their mothers for lunch etc?

Itís making me anxious this year as we are VLC this year whereas last year we were completely NC so I just ignored it. This year I feel like I have to acknowledge it and her (I know I donít HAVE to, but I feel I do) and her I donít want to be fake or be a hypocrite....


*

truthseeker4life

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2019, 03:57:19 PM »
Ugh not discussions of mother's day already!

I am ELC with my mom almost 3 years. I stood up for myself and she has been unaccountable for her bad behavior and wishes to pretend she did nothing. I am not having it. So basically she is ignoring me except when someone is dying or dead or my birthday. I don't call her as she gets off the phone very quickly without asking about me or my family. Done with it all.

The past few years I send flowers with a very basic flower card of happy mother's day love... attached. I send it to honor her humanity. That is it.

I don't call her. I don't see her. Too much PTSD and too much pretending and holding of my tongue. My 3 koolaid drinking sibs can fawn over her and fight over the crumbs of love that she offers.

I make the day about me. I am a mother to 2 young daughters. We go to a garden with my husband and have a picnic as a family.

Wishing you strength to honor yourself and do what feels right for you and your situation with your mother.

*

Twinkletoes88

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 193
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2019, 04:38:30 PM »
I know sorry, I know we have 2 or 3 weeks yet but itís worrying me already!

I donít blame you at all and think youíve got it right!! I see my mother once every 2 months for an hour but we also donít speak by phone or anything and she also doesnít acknowledge my husband or stepchildren - she also will not be accountable for the things sheís done and wishes to ďmove onĒ without actually sorting anything out - which Iíve refused.

I just worry this year what will happen. Will she ask me to see her? Will she expect me to arrange something - will she know not to expect to see me? I find the whole thing horribly triggering and stressful. I hate MD more than Christmas!

*

truthseeker4life

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 114
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2019, 06:54:51 PM »
I'm in the US and mother's day is isn't until May 12.  So I have a few more weeks thank goodness!

I hear you re the anticipation bit. I work myself into a emotionally frenzied mess whenever I "have to" see her. Like it's ridiculous - I have problems sleeping a week or more before I see her and then I often get a virus afterwards. Total adrenaline before and then it plummets afterwards leaving me depleted and prone to viruses.

Scary how my own mom can do this to my body. It has to be CPSTD or something. At the very least - a response to a toxic person.

My body saying - stay away!

*

Twinkletoes88

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 193
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2019, 07:48:22 PM »
Oh my goodness me too!!! Itís awful that our own mothers can do that to us isnít it?  I also feel unwell afterwards and I also struggle with sleep and with headaches etc before. I often cry a lot afterwards, though sometimes itís a delayed reaction of a few days. At first I feel relief that Iíve done my duty for a while. Isnít that awful?

I think itís a PTSD type response for sure. Our bodies holding all of the fear and guilt and anxiety and grief etc.... very sad.

*

35andnewlife

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 35
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2019, 04:44:07 PM »
Just reading about Mother's Day makes me anxious.

I am a mom myself. Last year, I spent it with my parents and my daughter. I got my mom a lovely scarf and she got me...a box of cookies. Not wrapped or with a card, very obviously picked up at the grocery store on the way.

This year, I am almost NC again and I don't want to follow the script anymore. I want to spend it with my own family.

I wish I could follow my own advice so easily, but I say do what you want. It's okay to go off script this year.  :)

*

DM178

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 68
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2019, 10:48:28 AM »
Hello;

How and if/when we choose to recognize our mothers, feels like it has been a real journey for me...I used to really struggle with this day in so many ways, even when I was in contact with my UBPD M...I have been NC for several years now, and these past few years it has felt different...much easier to accept the day, process it and move along with it...

I think this is because I have been able to really dig in, process and accept the reality of my UBPD Mís illness, and that she chooses to still be a very spiteful, nasty and angry person to all who are in her path.

I am curious if others have felt the same...a shift in a positive way with the entire process? Or perhaps a shift in a negative way, dependent upon other situations?

I wish all in this forum a peaceful journey towards this day!
ďWhen we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.Ē Ė Viktor Frankl

*

EnglishLady

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 165
  • Aim higher, reach out, move on
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2019, 05:55:56 AM »
Dear Twinkletoes
I completely ignore the day as far as my toxic Mother is concerned.  She doesn't deserve my presence or a gift.  I concentrate on my FOC and have a lovely day with my Daughter.  My "Mother" wouldnt even even notice I haven't visited.  In my humble opinion they dont deserve our care and attention on that day, or any day, but I appreciate that every situation is different . 

I used to dread Mothers Day, with all the gushing on social media etc, but now I am at a stage where I just think it's just another day......and I am a Mother that has a healthy relationship with my Daughter.

I can't understand why a Narc Mother would be celebrated, as to me it just feels as though their behavior is being enabled .....or am I wrong ?   :stars:

I wish you strength and happiness on your journey :) xx


*

Peace Lily

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 258
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2019, 05:20:34 AM »
Hi Twinkletoes, last year I Sent a card, not a mother's day card, and in it wrote a brief message about the fact I was thinking of her which wasn't a lie exactly and some of my thoughts at the time were empathetic at least - I was vvlc. Now I am at bit more in contact via emails and struggling more. I am in a different place and haven't sent my card yet or even bought it. I currently have less empathy for my mother and am worried about her reaction. The birthday card I Sent resulted in some horrible emotional blackmail so maybe that's s why I'm struggling. You never know what you'll get back in return. Thanks for your post - it"s good to know I'm not alone.
"It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind". Aisha Mirza

*

smarty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 87
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2019, 10:19:46 AM »
Iím sorry youíre feeling such anxiety, it must be tiring but I can relate too! Although MD doesnít cause me anxiety anymore thank goodness, but used to.
If I remember correctly I think I used to go along with the whole Ďsending a cardí but I tried to get the ones with NO lovey dovey messages, just straightforward Ďhappy MDí then signed it...then I moved on to just sending an email, again a one-liner just Ďhappy md, hope you have a great day...í and then I moved onto not even writing an email but just sending one of those FREE e-cards to her email...and NOW I send nothing, I donít acknowledge the day at all(except for with my husband and kids). I think this all happened naturally though as I became less and less in contact with her so it wasnít an abrupt thing, you know?
The way you go about it could also depend on the Ďflavourí of queen youíre dealing with...my M was a queen/witch but very detached from us, neglectful, out and having her own life...so our little MD cards or valentines and all that werenít something that ever interested her that much. I understand though that many others here have Mís that are the exact opposite and that suffocated their kids and demand their constant attention and devotion. My M does of course want to be able to Ďshow offí publicly but I think sheís so embarrassed about how little any of her children speak or see her that she pretends itís not happening...she wouldnít go screaming about not getting flowers or cards from any of her children because what would that look like?
So maybe you could start with Ďbaby stepsí if that makes you feel more comfortable? My baby steps made me feel empowered just enough to say Ďhey ok at least Iím going in the right direction here...albeit a bit slowly ;D Ď it could be a change so smal just you realize it but it could make you feel more in control? Just a thought
Good luck!

*

smarty

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 87
Re: Motherís Day
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2019, 10:24:02 AM »
Ohhh I just realized that MD has passed in the UK hasnít it :doh: lol
Well I hope everything went alright and that you are getting back to a lower level of anxiety ;)