Thanks everyone

[GentleSoul]

Just checking in and also saying a big thanks for this safe place to learn and share.  I have been reading around some more.  I am drinking it all in with a thirst.

Quick recap on my situation - 15 years married to man with what I suspect to be an anxiety based PD who drinks alcoholically to self medicate.  Been working on myself for several years to correct my co-dependent outlook and attitude on life.

So, wow!  What I have found incredibly helpful is learning a phrase or name for various issues I am experiencing. 

The biggest that really hit me in the face was the mention of PD's expecting others to "manage their emotions for them"..  And there it is.  EXACTLY what hubby does.  I could not identify it or understand what had been going on. Now I do.

In that moment of reading the phrase, it became clear.

He has a rapid cycle of mood swings, which it seems he thinks is my job to ease for him.  To lift him out of, to ease his anxiety, to go along with his (manic) up moods. 

In his anxious phrase, he can be very verbally nasty.  He baits trying to provoke me into an arguement. 

Today he was trying to trip me up into saying something he could grab hold of to twist back at me.   

He has heart failure, COPD and a whole list of other ailments, his body basically shutting down.  He is feeling particularly unwell today so was looking for a fight.  Or a pity party.  He uses the tack sometimes of saying that he feels so guilty that I have to look after him.  Which is a lie to provoke me into saying how much I am suffering by caring for him.   

He has been bedridden all day so I have avoided spending time with him, obviously as I will be attacked!  It's like I wouldn't put my hand in a tigers cage!  Same thing.    Have only seen him when taken his meals and hot drinks in. 

I have medical services in place. As his condition worsens, I have made sure there will be plenty of help.  Also that if/when it gets to much for me, I will not hesitate or feel guilty about him going to a nursing home or hospital/hospice, as appropriate. 

He hopes to remain here at home until he passes, I support this and I have the relevant Community Care team on board but who knows how it will pan out. We have hospital bed and equipment here.  I enjoy the nursing care part of it, it's the unpleasant PD behaviours I don't like.

I also spent some time today thinking about what I like.  It is so easy to get it squeezed out and replaced by the PD's hobbies.   Another thing I have going on is that this week I have booked some dental work to pretty up my smile. 

[Spygirl]

I am glad to hear how upbeat and positive you are staying. You sound aware and healthy. You are very organized too. Jealous of you getting dental done, lol. I need to do some of that  soon!

[Mary]

I like seeing your creativity in arranging ways to stay connected (ie hot drinks and food), but protecting yourself with time away and relying on others to provide some of the care. Thanks for sharing!
Mary

[GentleSoul]

Checking back in. 

After doing a lot of reading and learning here, I needed to step back for a while.  To take a break.

Process it and sit with it.  A surge of reality hitting me in the face. 

Thank you all for being here and keeping the lights on.

[GentleSoul]

I am glad to hear how upbeat and positive you are staying. You sound aware and healthy. You are very organized too. Jealous of you getting dental done, lol. I need to do some of that  soon!

Hi SpyGirl

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

First stage of my dental work done. The ouchie part!!  Now in healing phrase for few months.   

So in about July/August,  the fun part can be done. The cosmetic pretty part.   Wheeee! 

[GentleSoul]

I like seeing your creativity in arranging ways to stay connected (ie hot drinks and food), but protecting yourself with time away and relying on others to provide some of the care. Thanks for sharing!
Mary

Thank you, Mary. 

I learnt the hard way that I need to protect myself!.  As I was writing that I thought how very sad that I have to do that.   That anyone has to protect themselves from a spouse or family member.  However that is how it is in the world of PD people.

Although, of course, I don't HAVE to do it, I could end our marriage but I don't want to do that right now.