Hello

[little-raisin]

Hello everyone.  I have been skirting around this introduction for weeks, and I feel very bad, nervous and disloyal even just writing this out.  Something tells me however I need to start talking to people, get some support.  Anyone I have attempted to confide in who also knows my SO looks at me like I have two heads if I suggest things are not quite right.  In the outside world my SO is a very well respected and liked person, and a lot, maybe even most, of the time he's lovely.  As long as you don't disagree with him.

I am in my mid 50s and have been with my SO for 30ish years.  I have been trying to resolve our 'communication and relationship problems' for as long as I can remember.  I only came to the conclusion that perhaps it isn't just a 'relationship' issue around 6-8 months ago.   There is no official diagnosis and I don't believe there ever will be, but when I started reading the descriptions of the Narcissist personality traits, they fit him perfectly.   

I feel both relief and sadness, despair.  I bounce between 'I can make this work' and 'this is a lost cause' on a daily basis.  A lot of my days are wasted by just thinking things over and over and over.  Feel like I'm letting him down, for causing trouble and being difficult.  A lot of guilt for even considering a plan B

I recently had brief contact with a schoolfriend from many years ago, he called me 'unforgettable'.  And I remember thinking then that unforgettable girl I used to be, full of feistiness and personality, she's gone.  Left is just a shrivelled-up little raisin.

I am here for validation, coping strategies and support and sometimes a kind voice. I can't go to counselling, I don't particularly want to and it freaks SO out if I do.  SO in complete control of all finance and also all our tech (email accounts etc) so very difficult to make contact outside of our sphere.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Welcome!  I wanted to write a quick note to say that you are not alone.   Read as much as you can.  I found that the more I learned about personality disorders the better I understood how and why I ended up with someone who initially pretended to be one person and ended up being another.   In this case knowledge IS power. 

Living with a man (or woman) with a personality disorder is exhausting so I understand your screen name.   Try to carve out a little me time each day.  Cup of tea?  Hot bath?   But the best thing I ever did for myself was to start writing in a journal.   It is like free therapy.   Just dump all your thoughts into a spiral note.   (I kept mine hidden because my exbf liked to snoop).   Writing will clear your head for a bit and give you something to look back at if you start to doubt your feelings or question yourself.   

((( hug )))

[Starboard Song]

I bounce between 'I can make this work' and 'this is a lost cause' on a daily basis.  A lot of my days are wasted by just thinking things over and over and over. 

A lot of guilt for even considering a plan B

I am here for validation, coping strategies and support and sometimes a kind voice. I can't go to counselling, I don't particularly want to and it freaks SO out if I do.  SO in complete control of all finance and also all our tech (email accounts etc) so very difficult to make contact outside of our sphere.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. Seeing that there is a name for a pattern can be such a relief. And then the bad news: there is no pill for this. Many members of this forum have salvaged a loving relationship by careful application of tactics you can read about in our Toolbox. Others have salvaged a life of vibrant enthusiasm without the partner that they determined was beyond that salvation. Whether you can make this work, or whether it is a lost cause, depends in part on the severity, consistency, and breadth of the attributes you are dealing with. Some people just need coaching to better angels. Others seem beyond help.

The tools one dear member always shares -- tools that worked for him -- are these:

50% Rule - You are responsible for fully half of everything that goes on in a relationship
51% Rule - You need to look a little more after your own self care than you do for others
No JADEing - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain
No circular conversations - Express yourself with kindness and clarity...once

So read, read, read. But we found that self-care was every bit as important as tactics and knowledge of PDs. The first line of my signature is filled with the resources we found most important for our self-care.

I am proud of you for opening your eyes and sharing so bravely. Be ever so kind to yourself.

[Duck]

My PD dad was always very charismatic and well-liked when I was growing up. I understand how frustrating and disorienting it is to know the side of someone no one else sees.

[GentleSoul]

Hello Little Raison, I relate to losing yourself.  This happened to me, I was gradually eroded away.  My sparkle went.

The good news is though that we can get ourselves back.  Glad you are in this group. 

[little-raisin]

Thank you for hearing me.  I'm glad to have found you all xx