Accountability for the mentally ill

[Duck]

Sometimes I am worn down by the guilt placed on me by my nonPD mom who feels my PD dad can't control his behavior. He is abusive and has ruined our lives, but he is a poor baby who had a rough childhood. He's just mentally ill, poor thing, and deserving of our patience. Additionally, her religious practice encourages her to forgive, forgive, forgive.

His cruelty and selfishness have permanently scarred me. I will most likely always be in psychiatric care. Please remind me why I am not crazy or a meanie bo-beanie for minimizing contact with him. Sometimes I can keep it clear in my mind. This week she wants me to call them as if we are a normal family and it will be a normal conversation. There are times when I get physically sick at the prospect of talking to him on the phone and other times it takes days or weeks to get over a call with him. Her request, though, is so deceptively reasonable.

[Andeza]

I think you need to replace nonpd m with enM. Mental illness and /or suffering past abuse explain the reason behind his actions but should not serve as an excuse. If he has that much functional damage he should be in care himself but that's not likely to happen I would assume.

So glad you are seeking outside help though, stick with it. Don't let her guilt you, she's just playing flying monkey /enabler by what you've written. Hold onto your boundaries, refer back to what you've written here for strength, and don't let her gloss over how awful things have been. I'd also recommend writing in a journal some of what you've been through, if you haven't already, as a reminder of what it is she's asking you to turn a blind eye to.

Forgiveness is all well and good, but that doesn't mean we let our guard down or forget the harm that was done. This is especially true concerning people who do not own responsibility for their actions. They remain a threat to our wellbeing. Stay strong

[BunnyLover]

Given your Mom's religious leanings, you might want to google the "7:13 ministries" website. It's a religious site that comes from the POV that a loving God doesn't want people to endure repeated, ongoing abuse. You aren't expected to go back and be his whipping post to be a good christian. It might give you a few good points to bring up with your Mom when she demands you sacrifice yourself to his ragefests.

And as the above poster references, your Mom is enabling your Dad and that keeps the abuse ongoing. She may mean well, but she's not helping anything - she's training him that his behavior is OK and will get him whatever he wants. You have a right to not be abused. You also have a right to protect yourself from people who do not treat you with basic dignity.

[notrightinthehead]

So good that you get help for yourself! And you have every right to protect yourself from the abuse of both your parents. By glossing over, your mom invalidates your experience and that is abuse too.
Have you read the book 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud? They use the bible to set healthy boundaries, which might help you when setting boundaries with your mom.
Stay on your path of healing yourself.

[practical]

So your F is mentally ill, it happens to be a mental illness that endangers others or specifically you. I assume he is not seeking any outside help like seeing a therapist, rather it is your job as a good-daughter to just endure it, to just take it, to forgive again and again, to overlook his behaviour and on top of it feel compassion for him, love him.

Let's switch up the scenario for a moment: Your F has a physical, contagious illness, let's say the smallpox. You aren't vaccinated and don't have a clue how to help him because you aren't a doctor. But there are health professionals out there who know how to help your F, who are vaccinated and have the necessary protective gear. Would you or anybody expect that you take care of him, expose yourself to smallpox and get sick yourself? Would you expect of yourself to sacrifice your life with no chance of making his better as you have no training to help him? No! Everybody would expect your F to go to a hospital and receive treatment because we can today, we are no longer in the Middle Ages where nothing could be done. Same is true for your F's PD, there is treatment, there are health professionals who have the training to help him.

You have responsibility for your own life, nobody else can take care of it for you, your own safety comes first. It is very sad your F is ill, just like it is very sad my F is ill, it is also very sad that we don't have fathers because of this illness, none of this means in my book that I should throw my life away and endure e abuse. This is where I am today after three years on Out of the FOG, therapy in the past, it isn't easy to realize and put in to action your right to your own life, a life with love and happiness in it. You are not a bad daughter for having those thoughts or feelings, they are healthy.

[Duck]

Thank you guys for your input. It is very helpful.

My dad is a war veteran and gets some mental care from the VA. It is hard to tell at times what quality of care he's getting and how cooperative he is being. He has only admitted to me once that he is PD. He definitely doesn't want to invest in learning to treat people better. He is mostly interested in getting pity for the hard things that happened to him. He is very good at manipulating sympathy. Even my DH is occasionally swayed by a voice mail or conversation. Like aw shucks, poor father-in-law. We should reach out to him.