Respond or not?

[lotusblume]

I've been NC with my FOO for about 6 months. After constant hoovering and family mobbing became unbearable, including my parents showing up at my place, I had a conversation with my father and told him I had been extremely hurt by their behaviour and absolutely needed NC for a while. Though he protested, I stood my ground.

Fast forward a month, and I get an email from my mother, something about it being the time for forgiveness (without of course acknowledging her rejecting behaviour, but a fake apology that blame shifted). I did not respond.

My father wrote an email a few weeks later, wanting us all to meet in person. Still traumatized from them showing up and wanting to make it clear that I did not want them to do that again, I wrote a very dry email to stop contacting me until I was ready.

A week later, I received a parcel from my mother, filled with mail that had been sent to their address for the last few months. I took this personally, no apology or loving words, more like a "fine, have it your way if you want us out of your life."

Now, I have received an email from her asking if I had seen the previous email. She also sent a note asking what they should do with my mail, and for me to respond.

This was about a week ago. I immediately felt triggered by her handwriting. I also felt the pressure to react and come up with a response. I also felt disappointed that there was no love or apology attached, even though I am beginning to understand that that most likely will not happen. I also feel sad that my feelings were ignored again. She totally disregarded the no contact email I had written, where I had also stated that I became anxious when I heard from them. I feel like she is (still) acting like a clueless victim, and simultaneously like nothing ever happened, and that this is a business interaction.

I also feel guilty, thinking about how much it must hurt her and my father, but that is really a projection... I don't know how they feel. I know that I feel hurt, and that I wish things were different. I wonder if she is sad and truly clueless... And expecting me to swoop in and take care of everyone's feelings and go back to the way things were.

I guess wishing things were different is a kind of denial on the road to acceptance. I think part of that is rooted in old codependent patterns of trying to change people's toxic behaviours and thinking I can make them understand and empathise. I know that this is part of what keeps me anxious and hurting.

I think part of it too comes from missing my mother and being furious with her at the same time. Wanting her love and acceptance, while still feeling the pain of her immense rejection and knowing I can't change reality.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I will break NC and respond, but now that I've become less reactive and thought about it, I feel no desire to make any move. I am not ready to open the door. I don't feel sure enough that I would be able to express myself and let go of the outcome without JADEing. I feel like I might want to confront them eventually, but I've already done that and had no response. I still feel too vulnerable. And if/when NC ends, will I want to talk about my feelings again when they have been dismissed? Or just go medium chill and accept and expect my parents limitations?

On the other hand, my empathy gets in the way, and my desire to be civil and respond...is that FOG?

I hope that this is helpful for someone who is in a similar kind of tug of war. Any thoughts?

[Starboard Song]

It sounds to me like are not declaring permanent NC. You are only asking for a break.

If that is correct, I honestly would encourage you to reply one more time, providing them more guidance regarding what they can expect. How long, for instance, should they wait before contacting you again? I say this because even the healthiest personality is devastated when a friend or loved one says they are going NC. It is sort of fighting words, right or not. PD folks are way less equipped to deal with such news in a pleasant way. So giving a little more context and guidance can keep your options open, should you decide to restore contact down the road. Without that context, a negative spiral of hostility is a very safe bet.

If you feel you are already done, then I wouldn't reply unless they have lingering control over any of your assets or communications. If they do, you need to keep lines open until you are safely in charge of those matters.

Best of luck to you.

[overitall]

For me, when I first went NC my uBPDm and uNPDf constantly tried to engage me, while refusing to acknowledge any issues whatsoever...in the beginning, I was easily triggered...as time passed, I learned to not make any type of decision until I was able to really process how/why/what I should do.....

What I discovered was that if I didn't respond to them immediately, they would soon move on to their next attempt....the hoovering letters became demands....I started getting the "if you don't do this, then we won't have anything to do with you"....this progressed to returning every single picture of me to my adult child...all the while claiming that they have "no idea" why I don't want contact.

You might want to let a little bit of time go by in order to see what their next move might be...in my experience, PD's don't like to "lose."  They only want to be NC if it's their idea....the fact that they cannot control you is probably driving them crazy

[biggerfish]

You've clearly set a boundary. You've told then not to contact you. Yet they keep contacting you. Their lack of respect for your boundaries is clear. They also seem to want to regain control. You're wondering how they feel but it's more about their loss of control than about actual emotions.

You might want to continue no contact long enough that it is clear in your mind how deeply they disrespect your request. That will tell you some things about the future of the relationship.

The same thing happened to me. My request for a break was disrespected. As a result, the break became permanent. It's been four and a half years now.

[treesgrowslowly]

Your first and last paragraphs provide important info for you to consider.

When I read that its only been 6 months for you NC, my stomach sank a bit. Remembering when I was only 6 months NC, and how hard it was. In your last paragraph you use the phrase tug of war and I was like yep, that hits the nail on the head with what that first year felt like for me. My FOO tried contact throught that year as well.

It gets easier. I've been talking with people about NC for over 15 years now. I've seen hundreds of posts online sharing our stories of NC journeys. Whether you contact them once more, 3 more times, or never again, the part of you that knows that you need boundaries, the part of you that knew you had to go NC the first time, the part of you that stood your ground and saw through the empty apology, that part of you will grow and get stronger, no matter what you do in this particular moment with them.

They do not nurture that part of you, they do not create emotional safety for you, and the part of you that knows that will keep getting stronger because you're individuating from them. You're putting yourself first more than you did last year or 5 years ago and the reason I know that is by their behaviours that you describe. They are being forced to deal with reality that you have boundaries.

What you are feeling, is actually deeper than anything you could probably ever actually talk with them about. It took me a while to sort my grieve from my trauma and that when I thought about my uNPD mother that first year, I would just cry and not know what to do besides cry. What i thought was love for her was actually the grief of abandonment trauma. I thought I missed her but it was deeper and more personal. I missed the love I didn't get from her. It took a year for me to cry that out. It just took time to let my body sort that. In the beginning its all sorta mixed together and the tug of war is real.

Your emotions are so valid and so important to your healing journey. ACONs adult childten of narcissists have survived a lot and I totally believe that this will get easier for you. Hang in there. Going NC made me cry a lot a lot a lot that first year.

[lotusblume]

Your first and last paragraphs provide important info for you to consider.

When I read that its only been 6 months for you NC, my stomach sank a bit. Remembering when I was only 6 months NC, and how hard it was. In your last paragraph you use the phrase tug of war and I was like yep, that hits the nail on the head with what that first year felt like for me. My FOO tried contact throught that year as well.

It gets easier. I've been talking with people about NC for over 15 years now. I've seen hundreds of posts online sharing our stories of NC journeys. Whether you contact them once more, 3 more times, or never again, the part of you that knows that you need boundaries, the part of you that knew you had to go NC the first time, the part of you that stood your ground and saw through the empty apology, that part of you will grow and get stronger, no matter what you do in this particular moment with them.

They do not nurture that part of you, they do not create emotional safety for you, and the part of you that knows that will keep getting stronger because you're individuating from them. You're putting yourself first more than you did last year or 5 years ago and the reason I know that is by their behaviours that you describe. They are being forced to deal with reality that you have boundaries.

What you are feeling, is actually deeper than anything you could probably ever actually talk with them about. It took me a while to sort my grieve from my trauma and that when I thought about my uNPD mother that first year, I would just cry and not know what to do besides cry. What i thought was love for her was actually the grief of abandonment trauma. I thought I missed her but it was deeper and more personal. I missed the love I didn't get from her. It took a year for me to cry that out. It just took time to let my body sort that. In the beginning its all sorta mixed together and the tug of war is real.

Your emotions are so valid and so important to your healing journey. ACONs adult childten of narcissists have survived a lot and I totally believe that this will get easier for you. Hang in there. Going NC made me cry a lot a lot a lot that first year.

Thank you so much for those words. I think I will print them out. This resonated with me enormously and has helped me so much.

Your responses have been extremely helpful. Thank you all for sharing your different perspectives and similar experiences. I agree that it is likely a control thing. Thank you overitall and biggerfish for pointing that out as well as sharing bits of your stories.

I'm very grateful to have the support of this group! Sending back the support to you all!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey lotusblume

Supporting others in their recovery helps me a lot so it is a win win because we are always learning from each other. Every time I read someone's post about going NC and recovering from NPD abuse, I am reminded that there are a lot of people out there who understand this sad and important journey to wholeness.

We are all given so many messages in society that the family is our safe haven and for those of us who experience abuse in the family, it can make us question ourselves for doing something that is self - protection based. Going LC or NC is something that happens because our FOO has totally lost their compass with us. The way they treat us is unacceptable and we make our boundaries so that we can feel safe.

No one who had to put up boundaries and go LC or NC started out their life wanting to do this. It's a response to a situation we never chose. You're doing your best with a crappy situation that hurts and you'll see it gets easier.