Extended family invitations

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've been NC with my foo for over a year. I've never had much relationship with my extended family, and haven't seen them in years. They always invite us to the annual Christmas party, weddings, etc. But they're far away and I really don't know them. They also send Christmas cards. I send them ours as well in years when I send cards. But that is the extent of our relationship. The one who was close to them was my mother as a child. There's a good chance of seeing my parents so no way will I be accepting any of these invitations.

I just got an invitation to my third cousin's baby shower. Usually I dutifully RSVP but this time I'm wondering why bother. Why am I keeping up these non-relationships? Even as a kid I barely knew these people. I feel guilty ghosting because it's rude and they did nothing wrong. But they asked for an email RSVP this time because it's a surprise. They don't have my email address AFAIK, and I'd rather they didn't under the circumstances.

Is it heartless of me to just burn my bridges with the aunts and uncles and cousins as well? No more Christmas cards. What a farce. Practically speaking there's not much there. But it feels awful, like one more death in a long line of them. Thanks for understanding.

[Danden]

I think it could be a good idea to keep a relationship going there, to the extent possible.  There is nothing wrong with sending a Christmas card.  Maybe after your parents pass, you may want to reconnect with them?  For now I see no problem with responding to the baby shower and saying you can't come cause it is too far and you don't have the time/money.  You could send a gift if you think you want to do that much.  I don't see my extended family much either.  But I like to keep in touch when I can, to the extent possible, meaning if it is a very large gathering where I don't have to be in proximity to my foo and I can just mix in with the crowd.  I have started to talk with some of them about the foo situation, so that makes it easier.

[WomanInterrupted]

CMC, I have a large FOO on unNPD Ray's side of, "Who ARE these people!?  And why do I care that somebody I've never met is graduating from college?"   

In that dysfunctional FOO (yes, it's chock full of PDs), invitations to events far away are nothing more than a cash-grab, where they don't expect you to come, but  DO expect an expensive gift.   

I remember unBPD Didi complaining about it years ago - they'd send invitations to weddings, graduations, baby showers, baptisms, first communions, confirmations, and anniversaries, halfway across the country, and unNPD Ray would always dutifully spit out a check, like an ATM - and *never receive a  word of thanks other than the check being cashed!*   

Didi decided to prove her theory - she was good at spotting people just like her, and wanted to use HER ATM, so she RSVP'ed that our FOO of 3 would be at the wedding.   

A week later, Ray got a call from one of his sibs (the bride or groom was one of their children - a cousin of mine), and he told Didi that too many people had RSVPed yes, so we'd been asked not to come - but DO send a gift!   

That's when Didi started intercepting the mail and throwing anything from them away, before Ray could see it and cut a check!   

Yes, for once in her life, Didi was right - and never let me forget it!   

If you think you may be being used as a gift grab, RSVP no to the shower (with no explanation), and send only a card of congratulations - then wait and see what happens.  You'll know in the coming months if you've been included in these mass mailings, just as an opportunity to get a gift, or if they really care and want to include you, in some small way.

I'd do the same thing if  you receive a wedding invitation in the summer for people you don't know, or barely remember - RSVP no, and send only a card of congratulations. 

Due to my own experience, I tend to think they just want the gift - but I could be wrong about that.  I don't know your FOO, or if it's a PD-ridden as mine.

Just when I thought *maybe* Didi was exaggerating, and maybe they weren't as bad as I remember, something interesting happened - my uncle (Ray's brother) died, and one of my cousins called the memory care unit, got the Social Worker and told her some story about wanting to send cards, letters, updates, and packages to poor uncle Ray-Ray -and oh, BTW, they all got together and decided Ray should pay for my uncle's memorial service.   

"Ruth" - the social worker - told her Ray couldn't make financial decisions, and my cousin got very confused about that, saying, "But we decided..."

Ruth said, "It doesn't matter - he can't make financial decisions."

My cousin hung up, and those cards, letters, updates and packages disappeared with her.   

Since then, there was an attempt to do an end-around on my POA by a "cousin" I haven't seen since 1972, and just recently, Ray's oldest brother tried calling and getting all the information he could about Ray - for what reason, I have NO idea - and I told the nursing home NO, because I couldn't figure out my uncle's game!   

If you suspect you have an FOO like *that* - you're better off cutting off ALL communication.

However, if they turn out to be innocent and honest invitations, by sending cards of congratulations, you'll keep the lines of communication open.

But - if you send cards of congratulations and no gift, and suddenly find yourself out of the loop - you'll know where you really stand.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My parents are in their 50s and most of the people who send cards are older than they. So no good on holding out for my parents to die lol.

I don't think it's a gift grab for the most part... I generally don't send gifts except for weddings, and even then not a very generous one. Never cash, just something small off the registry. They tend to be extravagant so I doubt my lack of gift would be felt. But the Christmas cards come like clockwork the week after Thanksgiving. That's just how that family rolls. :shrug:

I guess what's sticking in my craw is this feeling of playing at happy families. I'm willing to bet none of the extended family has any idea what went down between my parents and sisters and me. Not that that should affect my relationship with them... but it does. My parents go to everything. If we move do I want to risk them getting my address through these cousins? Do I just accept one more collateral damage? I'm feeling yes just go dark.

Unless I spill the beans myself, but that feels not very safe. I'm talking about people who don't know me but do know my parents. Not close,  but close enough.

[Danden]

Well, I can relate to the same situation.  My M and sis talks to the extended family and they give their point of view, but no-one knows or asks what is my point of view.  I actually find it annoying that nobody seems to think my point of view would maybe?  have some validity.  What I did is I continued to go to family things and play dumb.  I put on my best face and didn't talk ill of my FOO.  Most people don't notice if we don't sit and eat together or if we don't chat or greet each other, as it is a usually a large gathering.  But if people ask me, say before my M arrives at the place, "how's your mom?"  I would say "well we don't speak anymore because she disinherited me"  People would be surprised/shocked and ask why and I would say "she is a very angry and unhappy person."  Then say as little as possible so that they understand the situation, depending on who I am talking to.  Then over time I had the chance to talk to people and explain in more detail.  But I understand it is easy to just go dark too, if the extended family relationships are not worth it to you.  I think that is a valid approach too.