I feel like my sister may be a PD

Breakthrough · March 11, 2019, 02:13:19 AM

Hi, new to this part of the forum. I have 3 sisters and a brother. My oldest sister has always been very difficult. I didn't feel like I was free to be myself until she went away to school when I was 17. She has always been very insulting and negative towards me. She would tell me I was ugly for my own good, didn't want me getting a big head because I am not ugly, but actually pretty (at least so I have been told by others). I heard this and other insults and being made fun of on a regular basis. I suspect she may be a well adjusted uBPD. She chalks any conflict between us (started by her), as my fault, always. On Friday she started a fight by criticizing a parenting choice without knowing the facts. She sent many texts, while I was at work, and crying in my office because she was so difficult and manipulative, she did not listen to boundaries I put up, also typical. Her threat was I am not allowed at her house until I choose to do what she said is right about my kids. Christmas is typically at her house. This is what had me in tears. I have come to the conclusion that we will have a Christmas on our own at our home, but my kids will really miss seeing their cousins. After I said end of discussion, not her decision, she sent me 45 texts. I didn't read them, and I have now blocked her number (though I really hesitated). I need to concentrate at work, and she is really disrespectful of boundaries. I guess I am also feeling lonely and like may be everything is my fault. I have had trouble making new friends where we live and we are pretty isolated. I am an introvert but I miss having meaningful conversations with others. I feel as though I am someone people pick on easily in general. I worry that I am somehow invite this behaviour. I know that doesn't make these abusive people right, but sometimes I feel very discouraged, like it is me. Thanks for listening, this is really hard for me, I already feel like the left out sibling because I live far away from all of them, and now she is blatantly cutting me out. My husband has pointed out that she finds a reason to do this every year. I guess in my loneliness here, I kept some comfort in having my siblings. I have never been close with my eldest sister, but family gatherings are at her home often, so this is a bit of a blow for me.

Danie · March 11, 2019, 09:44:12 AM

Hi. I'm so sorry for your suffering and I do believe you can fix this for yourself. I've had very similar issues with my older sister. I just posted today as well! I'm sure you are younger than me so let me advise you on a few things I wish I could've done differently. I think you are her target, she is just projecting her own issues onto you because you are the closest and easiest. I think it is pertinent in addition to healing your heart and self-worth that you protect yourself from possible evil acts. I wouldn't let her in at all. Don't make a big deal out of it, but just eliminate her knowing much about you. You really need to create some major boundaries. I know it feels counter-intuitive but my sister nearly destroyed my life with gossip.
Really make an effort to find new friends and activities without your siblings. This is super important.....you can do it. Try meet-ups, things that interest you!
Best of luck and I hope you get some more good feedback.

Breakthrough · March 12, 2019, 01:44:36 AM

Thank you for the reply Danie. I might not be younger than you, I am 41! We are all grown up and have our own kids. I agree she definitely projects her own issues on me, always has. She even told me once, because I reminded her of her, but as adults, she realized we are nothing alike and said so. She is an extrovert, I am an introvert with some extroverted tendencies. Her lack of respect for boundaries is the big issue. Blocking her phone was a big thing for me. I am pretty sure she used my dad's phone to call me today, again while I was at work. I didn't answer. I refuse to let her continue to destroy my peace of mind. I am still recovering from the encounter on Friday and not feeling like myself, so keyed up when I am usually a pretty calm person. I realized she makes me feel unsure of my sense of self. She is a bully. I won't keep allowing people to treat me like this, it's just not acceptable. I need a nice long break from her.

notrightinthehead · March 12, 2019, 03:31:48 AM

Please browse the TOOLBOX for ideas on how to strengthen your boundaries and protect yourself better. 45 texts doesn't sound normal to me and you probably were wise not to read them. You might consider saving them for future reference when you are tempted to think it was a misunderstanding or it is your fault.
Not being able to spend Christmas with your relatives is sad but you have a bit of time to plan something nice for your own family.

Danie · March 12, 2019, 06:55:43 AM

I'm 62. You don't want 20 more years to go by like this. Is it possible one of your other siblings would ally with you? Not to create "sides" but just for your support.

When we were kids my sister would tell the neighborhood bully lies--things I supposedly said and did and they would try and beat me up. This kind of set me up for feeling like a victim. My sister did many things over the years to hurt me. In 1983 she told our dad that I was setting up and intervention for his drinking. Of course this wasn't true, but he never talked to me again and it divided our whole family! That is what I mean when I say be careful. Don't give her anything to use against you and if she creates lies try to squelch them at the get-go. When my sister told everyone I was a drug addict I didn't talk to her for 5 years. I thought she would learn. Actually she did a little, but she's not kind to me at all.

It really helps me to remember "it's about her".

It's so unfortunate it affects the whole family. I hope your healthier siblings understand why you can't be with them at Christmas.

Breakthrough · March 13, 2019, 12:18:48 AM

My siblings don't take sides, but the default is that they will side with her because my parents will side with her. She had a nervous breakdown and psychotic episode during her professional degree and had to repeat a year. Nobody talks about it, but my parents felt really guilty and ever since then, almost always side with her, even when she is being really difficult. My sisters will go where my parents are. It is just what will happen, right or not, fair or not. Probably we'll do a lot of different events if we stay here. We could invite my inlaws, but since my MIL is an uNPD, and extremely difficult, that would also be unpleasant. I insisted my husband invite them for Easter because he resents me for setting boundaries with them, though really, I make more effort with his side of the family then he does (by insisting he invite them for example, even though I don't have contact with them unless we are in the same room). This is despite being treated very badly by the whole lot of them at different points. I feel I can move on and change, but I know a PD won't and I don't really want her in my space. Those are the two difficult people on each side of the family. My MIL at least now realizes after a period of NC that her constant violations of healthy boundaries come with consequences. My husband wants to have a relationship with her, and I want to support that, but I also want to protect my kids, and maintain my sanity, so we limit time. There are quite a few different fun things we can do at home and going out. My kids love crafts and so do I. There are lights shows and different Christmas festivals we can attend too. It would actually be quite fun. I just need to be more social too, and invite some friends over to do crafts with us. That is part of the issue too, I find we don't make an effort to be social as much as I would like. I feel very isolated. We don't really have a community here.

I have looked through the toolbox, but it has been a while, and I need a refresher. I have become better about setting boundaries, but sometimes it takes me a while to implement them with certain people, but I have gotten better. I tend to just give give give, and then get worn out and resentful and become not the best version of myself. I think that is part of why I haven't made an effort to make any new friends. I am too tired. Thanks for the reminder, I will look through the toolbox again. One thing about becoming a mom that I have realized is, I do not have the time or energy to deal with drama and people who repeatedly violate boundaries and disturb my peace of mind. This takes me away from my kids, and makes me feel like I am not myself, and not able to be the parent I strive to be. I had some toxicity going on at work for a while that was really throwing me off kilter as well. I put boundaries in place which really helped. I realized how disruptive my sister was to my work on Friday, it took me 3 hours longer than it should have to finish what I was doing. This takes away time from my kids. I can't keep allowing that type of thing to occur. I have a voicemail from her on my phone and I still haven't checked it. I will get my husband to listen and delete for me. I honestly just don't want to devote any more energy to this. I will see my parents in about 10days, I know they will bring it up. I can't tell my mom much, she will tell anything I say to my sister. She will push though. If I tell her to drop it she will though.

Danie · March 13, 2019, 07:49:39 AM

It's too bad you're parents side with your sister. In a healthy family nobody should side with anybody, everyone should feel safe. My husband has occasionally stayed close to me at family gatherings because my family will isolate me for the comment or a look. He has been willing to speak up too.

That is sad you're sister had a psychotic break, but you are in no way responsible or obligated to take abuse. I believe once we are adults we are responsible for our own well being and their are plenty of resources out there for her to work on herself. I've wanted my sister to be nice to me for years and have gotten closer to her over time, but I will never let my guard totally down.

A therapist explained to me that you can "hold 2 things" you can love her and be mad at her at the same time.

Breakthrough · March 13, 2019, 11:52:47 AM

True, thanks Danie. She was in therapy for quite some time afterwards, but stopped. I find she likes to deflect on me, it's always somehow my fault, me doing something wrong. I do love, her, but I feel a bit done with her. Personality type, I am an a INFJ. We tend to absorb the emotions of those around us. I have really had to work to maintain my own emotions when around difficult people. I find avoidance is actually a somewhat healthy behaviour for me because of this. There is something our personality type does called a door slam. I have had to door slam my sister at a few points in my life for my own sanity. I think anyone who has gone N.C. with someone knows the door slam though. Sometimes we just have to create our own safe space. I like that piece of wisdom, I can love and be angry at the same time. Anger takes too much energy, I just want peace, and shutting her out right now is the only way. Thanks for the support Danie!