Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice

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Stripedpillow

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Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« on: March 07, 2019, 06:54:41 PM »
I really feel like I need to talk to someone who knows what Iím going through.. so Iím gonna tell the story with my paranoid boyfriend.

When we started dating four years ago he was just beginning to get depressed. His first paranoid episode even started before we got together, where we and another friend of us had been to my place, and after he left he was out of the blue extremely pissed at us because according to him we had been whispering about him.
He would never, over all these years, tell me or anyone else how or when the things he said had happened actually happened, cause of course we knew it ourself and was just trying to manipulating him when denying it ďtrying to play dumbĒ.

We broke up a few times, or, he broke up, during the first summer, always because he accused me of doing I hadnít done. One of the times we broke up he accused me of having stolen his food and toothbrush and demanded I told him where it was and why I was a ďlow life, lying thiefĒ.

But I always went back to him, because I loved him so so much. We broke up a few more times, me always being dumped out of the blue. The last time we broke up was in 2016, and it left me so depressed that I was unable to find joy in anything for the longest time. I had become scared and felt awful about myself. I went on with my life, but always thought of him like the guy I wanted to end up with, someday. He is the only boy I have felt like is my soulmate, despite all the negative stuff.

Three years later, this February, he called me up, said he had been looking for me for some time and missed me. As we talked again everything was like it was when we first fell in love. We met up the same day and instantly became boyfriend and girlfriend again.
But he hadnít really gotten any better, maybe even worse. It turned out that after we broke up the last time, he had moved out to an apartment alone, cut off his family do to yet another episode where they supposedly had tried to traumatise him and refused to admit to what they had done. They had shown up on time at his house, around christmas, and he had gotten angry and refused to talk to them. He told me he hadnít celebrated a single christmas or birthday for the past three years, and he hadnít talked to anyone but his therapist.

He also told me his neighbors has broken into his home and stolen a few of his clothes, but he hadnít spoken to them after that. I believed him when he told me about it, but now Iím wondering if it ever happened.
When I first walked into his apartment, I felt my heart drop down to my stomach. I felt a little bit scared. I felt like I was looking madness and depression right into its core. It was filthy everywhere, he hadnít been taking out the trash for three years and I wasnít even allowed to see his bedroom at first. When I asked to see it the day after or so, I saw a dark room with a bed without any bedsheets and a pile up to knee height with rotten food and waste. It was right by his bed, as if he had just been lying there day after day and tossing whatever he used or ate just on the floor.

But as frightened as I was, the joy of being with him again overwrote all of that. I thought to myself that I knew that I was loving an ill man, but that he needed my love. I am generally not that concerned with how people live their life as long as they are a great joy to me as the person they are. We slept on the sofa, since the bed was drowned, and we talked all night and it honestly felt wonderful just to have him in my life again, cause it made sense.

We had a great few weeks, and the small fights we had, we were able to sort out. Until last Sunday. He was staying at my place, when he asked me during breakfast if I thought his cereal tasted funny. I tasted it and said it didnít, but he tossed it out anyways. 5 minutes later, he asked me why I was acting so weird. I told him I didnít know what he was talking about, and then he said the words that made my blood boil. I honestly had to take of my sweater because of the heat I felt, as I just thought ďno, no, no, not this againĒ.
He said that he knew that I had tried to poison him, that he saw with his own two eyes that I had put something in his food to try and get his attention.
He said that if I admitted to my problems he would try to help me, that I clearly was suffering from some trauma since I felt the need to put ďsome shit in his foodĒ just to try and get him to notice me. When I said I hadnít done it he told me a liar, as per usual. I told him that this kind of trial had me trapped; I couldnít tell him no, cause then i was just a liar, and even if I wanted to say yes just to make him drop it he would demand an explanation I couldnít give, since I didnít do it. He told me, as he says every time something like this happens, that he canít have people like that in his life, and that if I didnít tell him the truth he was going to break up. After two hours of discussion with no end to it, he told me I could call him if I was ready to tell the truth, otherwise we best not talk. He left, and we havenít spoken since.

I miss him every day and feel restless. I hate this so much.. does anyone out here on his forum have any advice on what I should do?
Weíre 24 years old, and Iím afraid if I continue to let him back into my life I will end up with a life full of chaos and tears. Iím even afraid that if we get kids, he will accuse me of having cheated, that itís not his kids or something crazy like that. He is the love of my life, but I donít know how much more I can take of him being like this.. but for all I know he has already decided that no matter what I say weíre done for good.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post!

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Blackbird11

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Re: Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2019, 11:05:13 AM »
I can't tell you what to do but here's what I should have done while in relationship with my uPDh at 24: I should have been single from the moment I saw red flags, travelled the world and enjoyed my life. If you have no kids or no marriage, GO, BE FREE. I think what I was looking for was something that resembled what I grew up with - chaos. What I should have been looking for was someone who helped me find peace. Now I've got a few years of marriage and a kid under my belt. You don't want to endure these issues with that added responsibility and a binding marriage contract. Trust me. I wish you the best.

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Bloomie

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Re: Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2019, 12:23:26 PM »
Stripedpillow - Welcome to the forum. What an ordeal and a painful thing to see this man you care for deeply so broken and out of reach due to serious, incapacitating mental illness. This is all very sad to have going on in your young life.

What you are describing here with this man speaks to grave illness and potentially a dangerous situation for you should he decide to act in "self defense" toward your attempts to "harm" him.  This is a person who needs high level intervention and professional help to get to a stable place far beyond what a 24 year old who loves him can offer... and he may need this for the rest of his life. You simply have no way of knowing what is going on with him for sure.

You asked for good advice and I offer you some things to think through and consider...

First, I strongly suggest getting some in real life therapy and support as you sort through your feelings and your choices in response to having been discarded repeatedly and yet still going toward a man who it appears, maybe through no fault of his own, is unavailable for a healthy and reciprocal relationship and who you know for certain is unreliable and will continue to hurt you.

A really great resource that may open up some insights and resonate for you is about Trauma Bonding - that feeling that an unsafe person is your soul mate and you cannot imagine life without them - is found here: https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

For a reality check it might be helpful to read through some of the posts on the Separating and Divorcing board and also in this Chosen board to see what members here are dealing with that are either in relationship with or trying to extricate themselves from relationships with people who have unmanaged mental illness or personality disorders or both.

It is heartbreaking to think of you in the prime of your young life not choosing healthy people to share your life with. A relationship like you describe has the potential to derail all of your future romantic relationships and sideline all of your ambitions, hopes, dreams, and other relationships that you hold dear with family and friends.

There is also real physical safety risks with someone who is delusional and paranoid who is clearly emotionally and mentally dysregulated and not clear. Please think this through as well and talk it through with a therapist and trusted mentors that are older and wiser - like parents or a professor or a spiritual advisor like a pastor, priest, rabbi.

Strength and wisdom to you as you make very important decisions about your life in the coming days.



Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2019, 12:00:08 AM »
This man needs serious help.  You cannot love him enough to cure this mental illness. 

He needs professional medical help for psychiatric conditions. 

Be safe.

You can always love this man and cherish the best parts of who he is to you and who he could be if not for the mental illness.

However, the cost of loving him does not have to be sacrificing your self and your life to his mental illness.  You can be a support and a friend who tells him the truth he needs to hear when and if he asks you for it.


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GentleSoul

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Re: Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2019, 04:45:28 AM »
Sorry you are going through this.  I encourage you to get away from this man and get yourself safe.  I am sorry but there is nothing you can do for him.  You need to take care of yourself.

Reach out for help with your feelings towards him.   

Overall please do not bring children into this.

Again so sorry you are in this situation, it is so painful. 

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: Donít know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2019, 11:29:47 AM »
Stripedpillow,

Your last paragraph where you said you are restless everyday is a big sign to me thst you are struggling with something that you need support and understanding about.

I agree with Bloomie. Read up on trauma bonding if you can.

Your restlessness is understandable because his behaviour provided constant distraction and drama and confusion for you to focus on. For years. It is understandable that now you feel restless because it is hard for you to know what to do with yourself. A lot of your attention and focus went into your relationship with him over the last few years.  He was, at regular intervals, creating situations for you to analyze, feel badly about, or think about, or help him with, or solve, or clean up after, or talk to him about.

You've taken an important step in writing out what you called a long post.  Writing can help you to deal with the restlessness and long posts are not a big problem.

You asked for advice. My advice is to help yourself with the restlessness. Can you reach out to a counsellor? Make small goals for yourself for the day such as today I'm going for a walk in a neighbourhood I like because it has nice old buildings or today I'm going to treat myself to a treat from starbucks etc. Whatever things you enjoy doing that feel grounding, see if you can do them or schedule then.
As someone who is recovering from codependency, I know that it is very painful to deal with that restlessness and I'm sorry youre going through this right now.

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MRound

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Re: Don’t know what to do anymore. Need some good advice
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 09:33:16 PM »
I was so sad to read this, and agree with the advice that has been given so far.  I would also add this—he is not the love of your life because the person you think he is and love is not the “real” him.  You can not save that person you love through treatment or otherwise—you simply cannot because “he” does not exist. The person who accused you of trying to poison hiim, that is vicious and mean and accuses you of things that knock the breath out of you—believe in that—that is the real person he fights to keep hidden because he knows if you see it you will run away.  I know this from sad experience.

The general consensus is that there is no treatment for paranoia—and it sounds like your ex-boyfriend has quite a bad case at quite a young age.  I have read that most paranoids can only be medicated or treated with involuntary hospitalization because, well, they think the doctors and their loved ones are trying to hurt them. The other consensus is that it tends to get worse with age.

My husband has, I think, realatively mild paranoia—he believes that I have cheated  on him among other things.  Right now his behavior is quite good.  We have children and many years together and so I am sticking it out—it’s not too hard at the moment.  But if I understood at the beginning what I know now, I doubt I would have married him, because the person I thought I married and the actual person were so different.  I just didn’t have the imagination to see what was going on in his mind.  And as I say, I believe he has a mild case.  He certainly has never accused me of trying to physically hurt him.  Yet at times it has been torture.

So please, do not go back to this man. You cannot help him, you can only save yourself. Do not feel bad or guilty—you owe him nothing but honesty.  If this feels unbearable, seek therapy or a support group. 
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 09:45:58 PM by MRound »