Afraid to File

[Satya]

It's been three months since I left my stbx husband.

After he showed up at my new address and I had to call the police, he has been leaving me alone thank goodness.

I want to file for divorce and cut that final tie to him. We don't have children or property together and all our joint accounts have been closed, so I think filing should be straightforward and I'm not really planning on getting an attorney since I don't want anything from him.

After you file, what happens? Will I have to see him in court if it's a no-fault divorce?

I'm also afraid that if I file, it might trigger him and cause a whole new cycle of hoovering.

I'm planning on moving out of state once I get the money to do so. Would it be better to wait till after I move? Or would he get my address that way?

I know you can't give me legal advice but I would love to hear your opinions based on your experience.

[Spygirl]

Bravo,
Brave step for you. You have come soooo far!
I dont know what state you are in, but imo, you need to consult a lawyer, 2 even better. Its totally worth the money. Write your questions down in advance, so you dont forget anything. Then you can think about how you want to proceed. Some of your questions would be better answered by them.

In my case, my stbxh first played victim, then bullied, then hoovered, repeat. It has continued to cycle for over a year. I think i got the final discard a month ago(so freaking happy to almost never hear from him. My brain is actually healing i swear). So by June, God willing, i will be divorced. We did a mediation i paid for, and have managed to accomplish using MC, LC. It was hard to do the first few months, but as i got better with time.

To keep myself on a forward momentum, after it became obvious that we were not getting back together, i started making lists and plans for my future. This kept me focused, energized to keep going no matter what, and invested in the plans so i could not go backward.

I am moving across the country in spring. Getting house here ready to sell, dumping reminders of my marriage, any triggers of it, being only stuff anyway. Getting my technical license ready to state transfer. Working with realtor back east to get the right home. Looking at finances and budgeting so i have no suprises. It keeps me busy, occupied with projects. I have everything to look forward to.

I encourage you to step forward despite your fear and concern, keep going. The vampire will find another willing victim fairly quickly, and focus on that supply eventually.

FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD

[Satya]

Thank you Spygirl!

My stbx has followed a similar cycle.
I'm convinced he's a psychopath honestly. There was something so off about him. Like there was no soul inside his body. And there were times that I felt afraid he might actually kill me someday, even though he never explicitly made threats. A lot of his abuse was ambient, so I had to rely on my intuition.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for thinking this, but I'd rather be paranoid and alive. I grew up with a father who exhibited outbursts of violence and narcissistic traits but it was nothing compared to my stbx. His abuse was cold, calculated, manipulative and just slimy. It was like it would leave an invisible layer of grime all over me and I couldn't figure out where it came from.

So I want to make sure I'm keeping myself safe mentally and physically as I proceed. Perhaps an attorney would be able to advise on that as well?

[moondance]

    I just got my final divorce decree a couple of weeks ago.  Neither one of us had money for attorneys so we managed to do it without any.  I did spend $100 on a one time consultation fee to get some questions answered and make sure we weren't missing anything in our paperwork. Some lawyers will do a free initial consultation but I couldn't find any in my area.  Many states also have free or low cost legal aid you could use if you qualify.  The process after filing was easier than I thought it would be. We had to meet with a court liaison officer to go over our paperwork and make sure all was in order.  She had a few questions about child support (our youngest is now 18 so it was a non issue).  We had to show picture I.D. and sign some papers and that was it.  We never had to appear before a judge. Our case was pretty uncomplicated as well since our kids are grown and we had sold our house and divided the proceeds ourselves.  Fortunately my ex was pretty cooperative after an unpleasant episode where he brought me to tears trying to fill out the paperwork, so I told him I was just going to file myself and he would get served. After that we met in a public place, filled everything out, drove separately to a notary, then filed.
Good luck to you and above all stay safe! The way we handled things may not work for everyone.

[Satya]

Thanks moondance! That's good to know about the consultations. I will have to look into that.

I'm also in the process of applying for medical disability so I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and trying to get my ducks in a row. Legal things always feel super intimidating to me.

[Spygirl]

If you aee feeling scared, and it sounds like you have a legit reason to, imo it may be better to find an attorney to help. I actually have to sit and take "shots" of abuse sitting in front of the mediator just to get this done and over. The mediator KNOWS what my husband is, my H performs for him every visit. His mental problems are on display. I just keep my eye on the finish line, and will hire another attorney on retainer so i have them ready to file if he skips on the alimony, which he alluded to.

If you already have some health difficulties, not havinfg to see your PD  may be best for you.
You can work out payments if you have to. Your PD has not respect for you, you are an object. He will have respect for a stranger with authority. I am relying on that myself, and it helps alot.

[Satya]

Yeah, maybe having an attorney would be worth the peace of mind. And like you said Spygirl, they will respect a stranger more than they'll respect us. Which is ridiculous. But true.

[Satya]

Wanted to update in case this might be helpful to someone else.

I ended up signing up for a month membership of Rocket Lawyer. It was only $40. They allow you to ask unlimited questions and print out legal documents you need.

I had two attorneys respond to my questions about filing. They recommended filing immediately and filing a no-contact order at the time I file for divorce. A no-contact order is even more strict than an order of protection and forbids contact of any kind after there has already been an incident of violence or stalking.

I'm hoping a decision will be able to be made without us needing to appear in court since we have no joint assets or children. But if I do, then I will probably find a lawyer to go to court with me.

So this is what I'm going to do! Already started filling out the paperwork, and it feels good.

[Spygirl]

Good girl!