Here to stay this time!

[OMA]

Hello!
I am in a relationship of 20 years with three children that i look after full time.  I depend on my partner financially and have become isolated although i am still in contact with family members who are tired of constant dramas and plans to leave. It has took me a long time to accept my situation, my husband is either bpd or NPd or both iam unsure and for a long time i have doubted myself and his abuse. He is very covert and manipulates my emotions as i am a very sensitive person and highly empathic.
As time goes on i have long periods of time in relative piece then i will be taken by surprise by being sabotaged and baited. I will walk straight into it forgetting what it is iam dealing with.
I have joined and unjoined these boards, decided its me with the problem, decided im imagining it,  that im too sensitive etc etc. This time after a horrible few weeks of being devalued i have decided to reach out and join the ranks of those of us dealing with these confusing and heartbreaking situations. Thank you for reading.  All the best to all you kind hearts x

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG!

Your story sounds familiar. When our own crisis with my in-laws began, we would swim back and forth between awareness that this behavior was plainly unhealthy and a concern that maybe this was all just a big misunderstanding.  Such doubts still emerge from time to time. And you feel more alone.

You are not alone.

I hope you agree reading our Toolbox. And, because you share my is-it-me doubts, I encourage you to journal in a special way, writing down observations of what you know to be true: this happened and that behavior was bad for me / inappropriate/ dehumanizing.

Good luck on your journey. Good people here along with even a small FOC can be so much help.

[GentleSoul]

Glad you found the courage to re-join, OMA.

I hear you about doubting yourself.  My head used to spin with all the mind games in my home.

I am married to a man with some sort of PD along with alcoholism.  Sending you warmth and strength. 

[moondance]

       You will receive lots of understanding and support here. You will no doubt read stories very similar to yours that will help validate what you've been dealing with. I agree that journaling is very helpful in recognizing patterns and gives you something to refer back to when he says something didn't happen the way you remember it. Just keep it in a safe place that he can't find. Also read and educate yourself about personality disorders. There are lots of great book recommendations in the book review forum. The one that helped me the most and really opened my eyes to the fact that I was being abused was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." by Lundy Bancroft.     I hope you will take time to care for and do something nice for yourself in the midst of all the confusing emotions you must be feeling.