Sucked in by a vulnerable narcissist (covert narcissist)

[Blodyn]

I'm still reeling from this.

Just over a year ago I met a woman on a poetry writing course (Oct-Dec 2017).  She seemed so self assured, somewhat reserved but confident.  I made other friends on the same course and we have all kept in touch, intermittently meeting to discuss poetry writing.  I would describe our relationships as friendly acquaintances who share a love of reading and writing poetry.

6 months after the course ended, out of the blue this woman contacted me via WhatsApp and asked if I'd like to join her for coffee.  She's much younger than I am, young enough to be my daughter, but it sounded like she wanted a quick catch about how I was getting on writing poetry.  We met, and the arrangement was just that. She presented herself in just the same way that she had been in the course.  We had a lovely catch up, sharing what we had both been doing in our respective writing worlds.  She left me saying we must do this again at some point, and off she went on her way.

6 months later (last Nov 2018) she contacted me again. She had found an amazing poetry writing retreat in a rural part of the U.K.  she didn't know England very well.  She had only been living in a London for the past 10 years and had been too busy working to find the time to explore the rest of the country.  I checked the retreat out and it looked brilliant so we agreed to attend the retreat this February 2019.

Because the retreat was in a rural area I offered to drive, picking her up on the way.  I met her at her flat in London, again no red flags in her behaviour, she seemed as she had always been.

Then we got  in the car and began the 5 hour journey North.  I hadn't been driving more than 5 minutes before I had my first red flag 🚩 As will be clear from my description my relationship with this woman was purely as a friendly acquaintance with the sole basis of our relationship being linked to the intellectual study of poetry and a love of writing poetry.  She began to over disclose to me some serious personal problems.  She said she had just started to see a therapist but she knew she had problems with mood swings, difficulties managing relationships, getting into conflict with others, knowing that she was doing it but not able to stop herself, depression, etc, etc.

I'm a retired mental health nurse, which she knew, and I'm a recovering co-dependant (now called SLD - Self Love Deficit), so immediately I go into boundary mode, empathising with her situation but saying things like she's doing the right thing seeing a therapist.  I must have set this boundary more than a dozen times but she just didn't pick up on it.  I then suggested she might want to be careful about over disclosing personal matters as it might leave her vulnerable, to which she responded "but I feel perfectly safe talking to you." 

Then she decides to tell me that she might not be spending the whole weekend with me on the retreat because she planned to meet up with a male friend with whom she has been developing a romantic interest, and he just happened to live in the nearest city to where our retreat was based.  I was happy 😃 to stifle my indignation at having this sprung on me at this stage (I was aware she should have disclosed this to me at the outset as I would not have considered this retreat had I known in advance), but give the level of ear bashing I was getting about her personal problems I will admit I felt a sense of relief.

That is, until I asked her how she had met this man and she said "oh I haven't met him yet, he's a Facebook friends and we've been talking for months and when I saw how close this course is relative to where he lives, I took it as a sign that we're meant to be together  I did state my concerns about meeting someone she hadn't met before and wondered to her whether this was a good idea 💡 given that she didn't really know England very well.  She told me she thought it was rude of me to give such an opinion as this was a personal matter to her 

So I restricted my conversation to polite acquaintance conversation and asked her what time that evening she was going to leave the rest rest to meet him.  She said she hadn't made the arrangements yet, she was just about to message him to let him know she was in the area  I asked her if he had any idea of these plans for her to be on this retreat in his area and to meet up with her whilst she was here, she said no she was just about to do that and would I mind not asking her questions because she needed to concentrate on messaging him 

We arrived at the retreat and before introductions were made, my friend's mood had plummeted.  After a challenging dinner and evening of poetry reading we retired to the twin room that she had persuaded me to book to save on costs  .  She was furious because her man friend couldn't meet her.  He had messaged her to say he had suffered an injury to his toe and had to go to the emergency department.  It seems she was not to be deterred and tried to find out exactly where he was so she could rush to his side.  After God knows how many messages between them he finally came clean and admitted he had lied about the injury because her sudden appearance in the area had freaked him out  .  She was furious because he didn't want to see her.  She spent most of that night tapping away on her phone, bombarding the poor man, demanding that he return her messages (I had to listen to the whole story through breakfast).

The rest of the weekend was great 👍 poetry wise but stressful as far as this friend was concerned.  She continued to talk incessantly about herself.  On the morning of the last day she came to breakfast sulking.  By now I'm not paying attention.  She sulked and didn't participate in that morning's workshop though she sat in the centre of the group giving me negative 👎 vibes.  I developed a headache 🤕 and at the end of the workshop I told the rest of the ladies in the workshop that I needed to take a lie down before lunch.  One lady said that I looked very pale and asked if she could check in on me in a couple of hours.  I said yes and retired to the room. As I closed the door my friend stormed in demanding to know why I hadn't notice how quiet she had been at breakfast and during the workshop.  She wanted to know what was wrong with me  I pleaded with her to leave me alone saying that I felt sick.  She just stood there and threw a strop and said that no one notice her mood had dropped, no one paid her any attention and then stormed out of the room to join the other ladies in a stroll around the grounds 

2 hours later a lovely lady poked her head around the door with a much needed cup of tea.  She asked if she could talk to me about some concerns she had about my friend.  I said yes but explained to her that we were not close friends.  She asked me how I knew her and I explained the history of our meeting as detailed here.  She said that they had all noticed her mood swings and sulky nature, and she had noticed how my friend seemed to use poetry as a means of drawing people into a conversation whereby my friend could then talk about herself.  She told me that she heard me identity myself as a retired mental health nurse.  This lady identified herself as a psychotherapist.  I told her what happened on the car on the way up, about my friend's trying to manipulate a man into meeting her, and I shared my concerns about her mental state.  This lady spoke gently but clearly to me and said, "you know what you're dealing with, your friend sounds as if she has a personality disorder, it's not too late to extract yourself from this acquaintanceship before you get in any deeper."  She suggested I made the journey back to London making sure I didn't disclose anything personal about myself because having been rejected by her man friend, my friend would then turn her attention to the next available Narcissistic Supply, namely me   

The journey back was exactly as that lady had said.  5 hours of my friend interrogating me on my personal problems, personal life, looking for anything that she could use to get her Narcissistic barbs into me.  I stood my ground all the way, was as diplomatic as I could be but ultimately she vented her verbal frustration at me, and I stood my ground.

Before I deposited her at her flat she turned into the charming person I had met a year ago, and asked if we could meet for coffee.  I said that wouldn't be possible as I had a very hectic schedule over the coming months with other poetr studies I was undertaking plus I had a piano exam in March.

After I got home 🏠 she started to bombard me with messages, just like she had that poor man.  I tried to bat them away tactfully, but the frequency and intensity was too much and it felt as if I was in danger of failing in my studies because of her demands for attention, so I went no contact.

I haven't blocked her yet because I'm finding it interesting and useful to study the subtleties of her gaslighting.  She doesn't know where I live so I'm in no danger of being stalked.  But this has been one of the most eye 👁 opening experiences I have had since I retired from mental health.

Just goes to show that even once we've extracted ourselves from our PD families, the universe is more than happy 😊 to present 🎁 us with PDs in our acquaintances just to test out how we handle them 

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh, what an experience! It must have been validating when the other lady confirmed your suspicions. You seem to have handled it well. Shows how far you have come.

[clara]

I've noticed in a casual friend her willingness to talk with others but seldom to me.  Even when we're in a social group setting, she tends to ignore me even though I've known her for years.  At first it irritated and annoyed me, but I let it go because we're not close friends and it was no loss.  But lately I've been viewing her behavior in PD terms, and she seems to have many covert narc tendencies.  She seems to manipulate others with her "poor me" persona, she has mental health issues, family issues, monetary issues, issues upon issues that encourage others to take care of her, give her money, help her out, listen to her etc.  I don't think she's a PD since she lacks the more common NPD traits, but she's definitely on the narc spectrum and probably gets fairly close to PD without actually being there.  When I regard her with detachment, it's easy to see her various manipulations at play, and she's good at getting those who can't into her orbit--friends who are naturally helpful and generous.  I'm not like that, I admit, and I think she figured that out long ago which is why she mostly ignores me--she knows there's a limit to what I'll do for her.  So, getting to your story, Blodyn, I don't think  you could have known she was a covert due to your limited interactions with her, and how well practiced she is at her game.  If you were blind-sided, it was because she drew you as a target almost immediately in a setting where you wouldn't have expected it.  Sadly, it seems these types of PDs are everywhere and it's a pity we have to always be on guard against them.  It would be nice if all people were who they appeared to be! 

[Marya]

Wow, I am sorry to hear that you went through so much! That is quite an experience. At first she just sounded a little needy and slightly off, but the more I read...wow. She clearly needs a lot of help. I hope that she gets it. It certainly makes for an interesting story though...not fun to go through, but a fascinating read. You have learned a lot, and practiced some serious skills!