He's Still Obsessed with Punishing Me, Wearing me Down, Killing my Self Esteem

[atticusfinch]

Hello all... sorry it's been so long since I've been on here! I was wondering if anyone else had an ex who was obsessed with them long-term and what they did about it.

I left my NPD/ASPD ex husband 5 years ago and filed for divorce, but he still hasn't let go. I have not had face-to-face contact with him for five years (we've been in the same room, but we don't talk), and yet he's still obsessed with me. It doesn't seemed he has dated or plans to-- but tells our kids that the only person he'll remarry is me, even though I have given him ZERO encouragement (and, frankly, I hate his guts).

He is still abusing me. He sends messages to me however he can about how horrible he thinks I am (through the kids, through text/email, through flying monkeys, and through his legal filings-- which are full of venom about how lazy I am, etc). It feels like he is still waging war on my self-esteem, even though I moved on a long time ago.

I moved in the summer, in part so I could move away from the neighborhood we lived in together so I could get a fresh start. But HE CONTACTED MY NEW NEIGHBORS (my kids' church leaders) BEFORE I'D EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW ANYONE and poisoned the well. So, even though he was a horrible, hypocritical religious person before the divorce, he now parades around acting like the perfect dad and ACTING LIKE HE HAS TO SAVE OUR CHILDREN'S SOULS FROM THEIR EVIL MOTHER. Half my congregation has weird ideas about me. I know this is a ploy on his part to isolate me socially and to try and control me (via male leaders), and to make me feel like a religious failure for getting a divorce-- even though the d@mn thing would never have happened if he hadn't been abusive. I don't feel safe in my own congregation, which pushes me away and then reinforces the negative image he's disseminated about me (that I'm some moral profligate).

Which brings me to two final things. He constantly makes THE VERY THINGS HE CLAIMS HE WANTS HARDER FOR ME TO ACCOMPLISH. He claims he wants me to work full time, but he is super needy any time he has the kids-- expecting me to be on call to bring them things, or he'll just randomly leave a child at my house over a weekend he's supposed to have the kids, etc. He drops kids off early unexpectedly (while I'm working). He filed for sole legal custody right before I started a master's program. He claims he wants me to get married so he doesn't have to pay alimony, then does everything he can to undermine my ability to date.

I want to move on, but he is almost more obsessed with me than ever. I know I can't control him, but I'm so over it. I'm in the process of trying to become a writer, and I had been trying to protect his feelings by not writing about his abuse, etc, but I'm SO OVER IT. I'm not protecting his feelings any more. I'm going to say what I need to say.

[Rose1]

Sounds awful. But in a way it's bullying. And shining a light on bullying is often effective. I'm sorry he's tried to poison the well in your new home. Time will help overcome it but I would stop hiding his abuse and say yes sadly you are divorced.You couldn't put up with his abuse any longer and it's a shame he's seen fit to try and continue the emotional abuse into your new life. If they don't understand ask what kind  of person would try to make the mother of his children look so bad by lies. Then let them think about it. Especially your church which should be protecting and nurturing you not him since he's not a member.

Ex and I have been separated over 20 years and he never fails to stick the boot in if he thinks he has a chance. However his audience is now severely diminished. He hasn't really affected me for years as the kids have grown and are nc because they got sick of it. People do get sick of it. Dhs father used to say "the dog making the most noise is the problem" and it's so true. People might buy it for a bit but if you call it for what it is they suddenly realise how true it is that this Is another form of abuse. Some even get it that they are enabling.
Good for you in making a new life. I guess his child support efforts are non existent as usual. Something else you might like to let your church know. It's unscriptural to not support your family. I'm sure they know that.
So you have a father who won't support his kids, bad mouthing their mother. Hmmm. Should raise a few red flags.
Imo covering for them does no one any favours but it's a lesson that can take a long time to learn. It did me but boy it felt good the first couple of times I said abuser. And watched the deer in the headlights look on the flying monkeys. And never got another complaint from them. I didn't gossip, wasn't nasty, just factual.

[hhaw]

Hi atticus:

::waving::.

I'm sorry you're still struggling with your ex.

Are the kiddos doing OK?

I'd consider finding a new church family if the PD has flying monkeys in positions of authority over you.  Bleck, and phewy.  That is so gross, I can't even imagine subjecting myself to a second of it at this walk in my life. 

::shaking head::.

  That's not healthy for you.  It's just not.  You could consider a different church.... or practicing your spirituality in a more private manner for a while, or in smaller groups outside the church itself.  Bible study groups, or smaller services attended by smaller groups?  I guess you think your needs through, and consider all contingencies, then choose.

You don't have to subject yourself to abuse in the church.   I don't believe you do.

I don't know what to say about your writing.  I hope it's been a balm to your soul, in any case.  I'm curious to know where your ex would read your writing?  Are planning to write a book, eventually, or are you writing for a newspaper, or other outlets?

hhaw

[atticusfinch]

Rose,

Thank you so much for this. I think I've kept quiet over the last few years as a way to protect his feelings, but I guess I'm not doing anyone any favors. That is a good idea-- to say the word "abuse" to people who matter, in a matter-of-fact way. That may go a long way when people see him fiddling his fingers into all my business.

Hhaw, I've missed you! I sometimes wonder how things are going with your two kiddos and if you ever still have your own drama to deal with with the PD family. I appreciate the feedback that the flying monkey dynamic isn't good for me. It gives me permission to do what I need to-- I don't know how I would otherwise heal if I'm constantly surrounded by his minions. I will definitely think about an alternate way to get that spirituality without subjecting myself to ex's demonic ways.   As for my writing, I'm working on a couple different children's books (and I'm working on my MFA in writing). I also have an old manuscript in a drawer that had an abusive ex husband based on my ex. I would love to finish it at some point, but I also didn't want to deal with ex fall-out (he would certainly throw a fit, even if I make an effort to make it look like it's not him)... that said, I'm over it. I'd love to use my writing to help/advocate for/educate people in abusive situations.

[hhaw]

atticus:

I don't know that the PD can exert power over you for writing a character similar to HIM, at least not without admitting he behaved like THAT!  Wouldn't that be something?  For him to insist he was that abusive, horrible character, and he's angry that you WROTE about it?

Just crazy, but they do things that don't make sense, I know. 

I say write, and do what you need to do.  Don't let him continue to control you..... I don't think he has the power over you that he once had.  I think he wants you to live in fear.  Just say NOPE, ask your gut what you NEED to do, and do it.

;:nodding::.

My MIL started writing to my oldest DD18 over holiday.... which was the beginning of DD having a crisis.  I think the letters were a tiny part of DD18's troubles since the holidays... more about eating disorder.....but for me.... there's been some paralysis and fear generated by them.  It's MIL saying she knows where we live, and she doesn't care if I know.  It's her reaching out and touching me in my safe zone, and I struggle with talking myself back out of the tree it puts me in.  It's so unnerving, honestly.

The letters are all the same... form letters from MIL's computer... changing out the holiday.... talking about the things she cares about, and saying DD is 18yo, and can do what she wants, blah blah.  Like I'm the reason there's zero contact.  Like MIL and FIL's behavior isn't the reason.  It's crazy making to read that.  I started pulling documents to keep my head straight, in case I need to PROVE who did what, but the girls have expressed no desire for contact with that side of the family.

Particularly since I shared that MIL wrote a letter to the Assistant District Attorney back in 2009 expressing doubt the girls are her son's children.  MIL offered, stupidly, to send in ASPD h's baby hair for DNA tests proving the kids weren't her grandchildren, which was a true eye opener when you examine all  the visitation and custody suits they brought against ME for control of MY children... not her son's children, right?  MIL wanted custody of MY children.  Of course, the girls look a lot like her son.  Another crazy thing to allege, and I'm not sure if she was focused on manufacturing slut shaming, which is a beezar thing for her to think about, but she's always been focused on my behavior with "natives" working for us in the Bahamas, and on how I dressed in that heat.... I think she used the word "nipples" 4 times in her testimony at the custody trial... not one mention of her time with my girls, or what she missed about them, or loved about their little hearts, but plenty of comments on my nipples, for Pete's sake.  The nerve,and so telling, IME.  They typically out themselves. 

Just terrifying to think of MIL's motives, and it was time to share that information with the girls, despite my shielding them for so long.   They aren't tiny any more.  They're old enough to understand, and when MIL pops up, I respond the way I always have.  With concrete evidence, even if I'd rather not.... I'm compelled to, at this point.  If they'd leave us alone, I'd burn all the files, which I keep, bc I'm sure there'd be another big case filed IF I DID BURN THEM. They're a talisman, at this point.   

I want to share one more letter where MIL writes to ADA again, this time about her frustration over not being able to "discipline" my children.  She was angling for permission to hit them..... just so creepy.  My girls remember MIL threatening them with "Grandaddy's belt".  MIL testified she never did that, but it's as fresh in the girl's memories as if she said it yesterday.  The girls can SEE what MIL is better when MIL does stupid stuff like that, and she's pretty actively doing that stuff. My girls aren't liars, and MIL testifying that they are.... just a mistake MIL didn't have to make.  She could have just said she didn't recall, but nope.

Sometimes the PDs give us what we need to show who they are.  They could do less, and appear to be better people... make it easier to give them the benefit of the doubt, but often just can't help themselves... go overboard... over do, IME.   

I wish I'd had access to the ADA's files BEFORE going through those last court cases.  A grandparent suing for custody of children she doesn't believe are her Grandchildren, is chilling stuff, IMO.

I'd love to hear what your children's stories are about: )   You can send it in IM if you aren't ready to share with the world just yet. 

[atticusfinch]

Rose and hhaw,

Your replies are so incredibly helpful. I'm sorry-- I'm SO busy right now, so I hope to reply better later, but I wanted to pop in here and say thanks again. And I'm sorry for what you've been through.

Love,

atticus