Change my thinking and behavior

[Danie]

My mom is 80 and living alone. She was a horrendous egg-donor and I haven't lived with her since I was 13, I'm 62 now. There were many years I didn't see her since she left the state when I was 17. Because of the kind of person I am I have forgiven her as much as I can and feel like I can help her transition her life when she's ready. I still feel the rejection from her. She, at some point, decided her 4 children were not really her responsibility so we all suffered and struggled.

That being said, my sister, 1 year older than me, is also in the mix. I've been kidding myself thinking we could work together to help mom. The dynamic, I feel is that my sister learned from our mom that it was ok to just abuse me. My sister has rarely ever been kind to me for one second. Sometimes she tries, but it feels like her resentment is so deep. I've given her numerous chances to redeem our sisterhood to no avail. We are very different. I've had a lot of therapy to heal, she's had none. My mom said she is jealous because my life has been successful and hers has not. I don't now about that, I still struggle. Every time I talk to my mom she references my sister, who was her favorite.

I need to re-think this. How to I put my sister on the back-burner, quit calling her, quit taking her abusive calls. Let her go.......  If I deal with my mom I inevitably end up back in the middle of their malicious gossip mill.
My sister has started rumors about me in my family that has done life-altering damage. I've told my mother about this and she has no compulsion to fix or help.

I'm feeling a lot of anxiety and depression over this and should probably go back to a therapist. I'm sensing a little dementia with my mom, she has a lot of anxiety and is incapable of pulling it together to move out of her house. She told me she is losing control of her bladder and I don't now how much of a red flag that is.
My sister is so messed up that her way of dealing with mom is to to criticize her, she is very cruel and impatient with her. I feel like I'm back to my child and teen years where my sister bullied me and I was such a mess I could barely function and was hospitalized. This issue was never brought to light in my family. I really need to take care of myself!


What do I do? Where do I start to feel better about myself and not let this affect my life with my husband so much?

[goodgirl]

Hi, Danie!

So a few more details would be helpful--both to us reading your story and trying to help you, and to you as you make these decisions:

• Do you and/or your sister live near your mother now?
  
  Is your mother expecting/recruiting either of you to take care of her? Does either of you have durable power of attorney for Mom?
  
  Why do you want to help your mother "transition her life"? Do you feel obligated to because she is your mother? Obligated because you have forgiven her? Because you're afraid your sister is not up to the job? Because you just want to make sure another human being is well cared for?

End of life care is HARD. I'm dealing with it with my own mother, and mercifully she's not a PD.  But my brother is, so I do understand that dimension.  Without knowing more of the details of your situation, this is my advice:

First, decide whether you want to be part of Mom's caretaking. And recognize that it is OKAY TO SAY NO, you want no part of it. That doesn't mean you don't forgive your mother for the harm she'd done to you, in case you're worried. What it DOES mean is that you know the harm she and your sister can cause you -- are already causing you, apparently -- and you choose not to expose yourself to that harm. And that is perfectly reasonable. Again, this elder care business is HARD: I love my mom to pieces and am glad I can do what I do for her. But it is really hard, and I can't imagine putting myself through this emotional and physical roller coaster for someone who treated me horribly, and that I KNOW will continue to hurt me.

Second, if you DO want to help her nonetheless, approach it with this attitude: decide, yourself, what you are willing and able to do for her without its harming you, and offer that and that only.  This requires a change of mindset for you, and it can be tricky to internalize. After all, there are probably an endless number of Things Someone Could Do to Support Mom. Realizing that you, personally, are not required to do or try to do all those things can be hard. But this all goes back to the whole boundary thing: the boundaries YOU set for yourself.  You are not required to submit yourself to harm in order to support anybody--even if Mom and Sis were loving and caring to you, this would be true.

[Danie]

Thank you!
I live about 10 miles from her and my sister lives 2 miles from her. She asked me once to be her medical POA and I said no because she has "a lot of health concerns", always some issue.
She has attempted to apologize for things in the past; she was only 18 and had 3 kids by then! I suspect some intellectual disability in her. She certainly has mental health issues. She really doesn't ask for much and she offers to pay when I've helped her. I could handle her personality, she is really powerless to hurt me much more. And I think it's possible so much of the abuse I endured was from my sister and my mom ignored it and didn't protect me.

So getting involved with my mom now is like a repeat: gossips with my sister, my sister abuses me, my mom falsely accuse me, extreme rudeness and hateful behavior from sister. They feed off each other and neither are kind to me. When my sister is more "out of the picture" my mom is at least civil. I think my mom would rather have my sister help her (she's her favorite) yet my sister has no patience or compassion. When I've tried to work "with" my sister she is very, very controlling and unbearable. I've decided working together with her to help mom won't work. She tells me how to think and feel....and everything I think is all wrong according to her.

I guess I consider helping her because I don't want to regret not helping her, I feel bad for her. I'm also concerned about her estate----she took part of ours when her mom died.

[Breakthrough]

Hi Danie! I am so sorry you are going through this.  I feel like I don't have much wisdom to add, but I do really relate to what you shared regarding feeling like you are a teen again (not in a good way), and you mom not protecting you from your abusive sister.  My parents turned a blind eye to it as well.  I feel like I lose my sense of self when my sister is in a toxic, boundary stomping mood.  This situation is so tough because it sounds like you want to stay involved with your mom's care.  I can think of a situation where my dad had a major health scare, and my sister just called to yell at me that I wasn't doing enough because I didn't love dad enough.  Ugh.  I can't even imagine what she's going to be like when the times comes for end of life decisions for either of my parents.  She is so difficult, but I will stay around for my parents, I will be doing my best to avoid her though.  Definitely seek help if you need it.  I was thinking about some counselling sessions too.  I have read that stress depletes magnesium, and I have found taking magnesium supplements really help when I feel anxious.  I take magnesium bisglysinate.  I took some tonight and already feel a little bit better.  I definitely feel like I take a downward spiral into anxiety and depression when I have a lot of interaction with my sister.  I felt that this weekend.  I really think just detach yourself from her as much as you can and create boundaries.  I think maintaining a calm, I don't care how nasty you get demenor helps, but I am not sure I will ever master that around my sister.  She purposely pushes my buttons.  Try not to be around your mom when your sister is if possible.

[Danie]

Thanks Breakthrough. No easy answer, but it helps to write it and sort it out.