uPD mom is homeless... again...

[D.Dan]

This is just a vent.

So... she lived in a hotel room that was rented monthly. It was filled with mostly elderly drunks and drug addicts (the few young ones always moved away). It was cheap, and she fit right in. She hated the place (like everything else  ).

The owner decided to renovate. There would be fewer rooms and they would be too expensive for the previous clientele. She was given 6 weeks notice at the beginning of January 2019 to vacate by February 15th.

Instead of looking for a new place OR informing anyone of her situation... she waited. She waited until about January 27th to ask my sister if she could stay there until she finds a place. My sister agrees.

She waits some more. She informs her Social assistance worker of moving on February 4th (after they paid her rent!). Still not looking for a new place.

She waits some more. Then she asks my sister about storing her stuff from her room on February 12th. That's a no, because my sister has discovered she has mice at her house! Lots of mice! Then she waits until the next day (I have no idea WHY!?) to ask ME about storing her stuff. I agreed because it's not HER! I don't want HER in my house! Then she waits until the NEXT day to ask my bro2 to help her move her stuff (I had sick kids to take care of), which luckily he does on the 14th!

According to her, 6 weeks was not enough notice to find a new place. She's STILL not looking for one though... 

Reason for my vent... she went off the deep end this morning while visiting me because she's STILL HOMELESS!!! 

...Uughhhh it never ends....

I kicked her out.

[Andeza]

  Yay! You kicked her out. The PD in my life is an epic procrastinator/waif as well.

[D.Dan]

This is what happened last time she was homeless...


Dealing with PD Parents / Re: At a crossroads with Nmom
« on: October 13, 2018, 11:30:08 PM »
A few years ago, my upd mom made a bunch of bad choices and ended up homeless.

First she tried to live in my house, my upd ex and Inlaws made sure that didn't happen (luckily) and we ended up getting her into a cheap monthly hotel. I made the mistake of offering to pay her rent until she got on social assistance and got herself a home (her ability to get and keep a job is 0%), I told her I couldn't afford to support her and my family and she agreed to get on it immediately.

I foolishly paid her hotel rent for 6 months out of guilt. (I didn't want her to be homeless either) Then I read "surviving the borderline parent" and knew i can't support her anymore, so instead of cutting her off immediately, gave a months notice and gave her $75/mth for the next 2 months (she didn't bother applying for social assistance yet, cause I was helping her!). She asked for it all at once. She ended up staying at the hotel for an extra month she didn't pay for, and now owes money there. She said I had agreed to help her as long as she needed. No I didn't.

After that upd bro1 (the oldest of my younger brothers) offered to cosign for an apartment that he and his SO moved out of but were offered to stay from the landlord. All my upd mom had to do was get on social assistance and sign the rental form. My mom decided instead that she didn't want to go to that area and tried to get my bro1 to cosign for a bunch of other apartments she was interested in. She didn't want to go look at them either. When he refused because he only made that offer for that one specific place, she cried how he went back on his word, he said he'd help her get an apartment because he didn't want her to be homeless!

From there, she stayed at my youngest brothers hotel room (bro2) for 2 months, he also didn't want her to be homeless and agreed to let her stay until she got on social assistance and got her own place. (Still didn't get on it!) He ended up having to kick her out because she was being verbally and emotionally abusive to him and running up his bills. He had to pay for her food, and sadly internet that ended up becoming an over $400 bill. It's gone to collections. She had also been accusing him of trying to abuse her to run her out! (It's what she does when she stays at others people's houses, try to run them out by abusing them) He ended up in hysterics, crying and screaming he needed help he couldn't take her anymore!

Then she went to my younger sister's house. She stayed about 2 weeks before she was kicked out of there too. My sister also said she only welcomed our mom so that she wouldn't be homeless. She muttered loud horrible comments about my sister and her SO in front of their kids. She would wake up at 4am and start slamming cupboards and complaining loudly how they both were trying to drive her out. She was waking up toddlers! So, my sister was forced to try to pry her out of her house. She called emergency services to get our upd mom seen to (she thought there MUST be something mentally wrong with our mom for her to keep refusing to get on social assistance and choosing to remain homeless), our mom was diagnosed with mild psychosis, given meds (she refuses to take cause they make her tired  ) and made a plan that in a couple of days they would check in to see what her plans were for getting out of my sis's house. Well she did nothing. My sis, with help from emergency services made a list of homeless shelters and got my mom social assistance application forms, and my sis literally had to call the homeless shelters to see where space was available (upd mom cried, while holding the phone saying how none of her kids loved her and wanted her to be homeless). My sis ended up coming to my house to make the calls, because mom was stalling and being disruptive.

Then she went to a homeless shelter. She had known for months how this was playing out because she kept telling us where she would go if no one helped her! She stayed there for about one month. She FINALLY got on social assistance (there was no reason why it took her this long, she just didn't want to), and from there got into another much cheaper hotel that she could afford.

Wow! Long reply  but this is how crazy it can get!

Anyways, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. There are homeless shelters if she can't/refuses to find a place of her own to live. You can stick to your deadline of a week.

Truth is, it's very generous of you and your foc to house her this long with absolutely no benefit to any of you. Her being homeless is not and will never be your fault. It is a consequence of her own choices.

[Danie]

Boy that is hard to read. You really don't have many good options. My mom never really worked either. She had many excuses, but truthfully I think she had mental health issues that she couldn't manage. Instead of homelessness she found ways to live off other people. Her parents for one, supplied her with money until they died and then afterwards. My mom changed my grandma's estate and gave herself lots of money to last the rest of her life. She lies to social service agencies and gets free stuff all the time. EBT (food). Free healthcare because her husband was in the military. Doesn't give anyone a dime, ever. Wouldn't even pay .85 for my coffee when I agreed to meet her for coffee one day.

I guess I'm glad I don't have to deal with a homeless mom (ughh!) , but a conniving, dishonest, cheap mom was a bad role model.

I suspect my mom has mental health issues, but I don't know what they are. The other day she said to me that she was tired. When I asked why she said because of her mind was just all over the place! That's some kind of clue to what she suffers from, but I don't know exactly what.

[openskyblue]

Then she went to a homeless shelter. She had known for months how this was playing out because she kept telling us where she would go if no one helped her! She stayed there for about one month. She FINALLY got on social assistance (there was no reason why it took her this long, she just didn't want to), and from there got into another much cheaper hotel that she could afford.

D. Dan, I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this again. It sounds heartwrenching and frustrating. And also -- you don't deserve this!

I pulled out the quote above, because it seemed worth a highlight. It looks like your mom will take care of finding a place to live, but the bottom of the bucket she has to fall to before she takes action is pretty deep. Maybe this go round it would be helpful for you to stay out of the stop-gap measures and let your mother sink to whatever level of discomfort she needs to fall to before she will take action to take care of herself.

I realize that sounds cold, but given everything you've described, your mother is not healthy for anyone to be around -- not even herself. And then there is the three C's -- You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

[D.Dan]

Yeah... I don't think my uPD mom can live with anyone. What she seems like she is trying to do is force people to give up their homes with everything inside to her, (rent, grocery and bill free) where she can live miserably (she seems to hate the existence of people in general) but comfortably while spending her money on drugs, smokes and booze.

There is no thought about our families. Only her. Personally, I found that after saying no a few times, it gets easier and easier to draw the lines with her.

It's my younger sister that's screwed! She is unable to say no to uPD mom and uPD bro1! I validate her when she says how it's not her job to take care of them, or how she can't spend her grocery money on them. But I can also here her hinting for me to pick up the slack, which I refuse.

I tried already. I tried REALLY hard to help them. What I found is that they will always drop the ball as long as they can convince someone else to do their work for them. They are more successful when I don't help them. Sort of...

[D.Dan]

So, uPD mom was trying to figure out how to intimidate the owner of the hotel she used to live at into giving back apparently February and March's rent (she wanted bro2's elderly dad to back her up and act like a bouncer, like she's some sort of mafia don?). I suggested she call him first. She shot the idea down because she wanted to scare him in person instead. She did eventually call him.

He is going to return the money in full to her in cash. Well, that's good right? I can almost hear the cha-Ching of pot being purchased at the pot store.... I warned her to tell social assistance what she got back in case they try to deduct the extra from her. (She doesn't seem to understand that according to their files she is NOT renting anywhere, she never filled out a rental form for my sister's place)

I also (sadly this triggered her) warned her that she might only get 1/2 of February's rent. Why? Because she left her stuff there until the last day. She told me that he can only claim half rent if SHE lived there until the deadline but she moved out, that it was his responsibility to store his tenant's things. He was not entitled to 1/2 the rent.

I corrected her,

A) she didn't do a walk through at the end of January but mid February instead, technically she moved out mid February
B) no, landlords are not responsible for storage of tenants property after they move, but they have to wait 30 days (here at least) before it's considered abandoned property

Then she started swearing about how she would never want me in charge of her business (she has this delusion that me and my siblings will all work for her), that this guy had originally wanted to keep ALL the rent money (which I wouldn't know about) and how I was sticking up for him. 

I told her I'm hanging up on her and did just that. 

[D.Dan]

Update, she's still homeless....

She is fighting with my sis, and trying to sneakily move in with me without me noticing  by implying to my siblings and outsiders that she's living here! NOT HAPPENING!!!

And I caught her looking up houses. Specifically houses needing a $200 000 down payment  , which she doesn't have... Not places she can actually afford.

uPDbro1 somehow got himself into a house rental and needs 1-2 more roommates. I have a feeling that before going to a homeless shelter when my sister kicks her out, mom will go there  .

And my brain is going...

1 territorial/violent uPD + 1 territorial/psychotic uPD = MASS CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION 

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm confused - how is she sneakily trying to move in with you?

Surely, you'd notice the van, truck or car disguised with a trench coat, sun glasses and fake mustache.   

And surely, you'd notice somebody skulking about with boxes, and those boxes making their way into your home, and stuff that doesn't belong to you turning up everywhere - and then, your mom is, like, there, *all the bloody time!*     

In all seriousness, if you think she's got a key or may have a key, change your locks.   

If your mom has the magical thinking of, "If I say it (living with you), that makes it true" - she's going to be in for a RUDE awakening!   

If what you suspect about your mom moving in with your brother turns out to be true, I'd like to remind you to *stay in the shark cage, where it's safe, and keep your hands and feet inside.*   

If either of them calls to vent, you have the RIGHT to hang up, without saying a word - or block their numbers, if it suits your purpose.

And you have the *right* to refuse to have your mother over.  If she drops by, unannounced, you don't have to let her in.  You can ignore her - and I would, because it wouldn't surprise me if she stages some kind of "accident" in your home, so you "have to" (in her mind, and she'll probably blare a FOGhorn at you about it) let her stay to convalesce - and she just never leaves.

The last thing you want is a squatter you have to legally evict, so not letting her in is the easiest and sanest answer. 

$200,000 down payments - yeah, I can see how that's completely realistic - not! 

I think she's setting herself up for disappointment - your brother's digs will be *nowhere* close to $200,000 down payment nice, and all she'll do is gripe and complain - but you don't have to hear any of it, if you're pro-active and just hang up and block her.   

You don't deserve this never-ending soap opera, D.Dan.

They can do their Dysfunctional Dance and leave you OUT of it!   

[D.Dan]

If your mom has the magical thinking of, "If I say it (living with you), that makes it true" - she's going to be in for a RUDE awakening!   

that's exactly what she's doing, along with the idea that I'll cover for her when she tells this lie to strangers. It's like she views me as a 12 year old child that she can still force to lie for her otherwise I'll be punished for betrayal  . So, no, she isn't REALLY sneaking in without my knowledge, she just thinks she is.

Lots of magical thinking going on with her...

And the thing with her and uPDbro1, "not my monkeys, not my circus  " I ain't getting involved with that, I already plan to have my phone suddenly not work the week after (when she no longer tolerates sharing accommodations with the people she is freeloading off of) where she will probably move in with him, just to avoid being in a shelter.

The explosion emoji was my interpretation of the 2 of them one week into sharing a house, not my own feelings. I've done all the phone tactics, pretend disconnection, can't hear them, put it down and come back later to the same complaint, hang up with a warning which is my 'go to' now. I've figured what will help me deal with them, not what will help them (I gave up that idea a long time ago).

I'm not upset about her situation, I feel it is like listening to someone singing the background, "this is the sing that never ends, it goes on and on my friends..."

[Rize]

Damn, you've had it rough, but well done for standing your ground! Your mum sounds like very hard work.
My mother moved in with me when she was inbetween homes, and then intentionally made herself homeless. A 2 night stay ended up being three weeks.

Well done you, stay strong

[D.Dan]

Update... She's still homeless   

uPD mom finally... FINALLY !!! Looked at a rental AD! For the first time in like... 4 months since knowing she had to move! Only the one! A room for rent in another sleazy hotel...

No, she did not view the place.
Yes, she has already rejected it.
But she wouldn't shut up about it either... I guess she wanted an "A" for effort or something? 

I took a peek at the Ad (it was off Kijiji which is like Craigslist), I noticed at least 4 other recent rooms for rent, specifically for women. Only 2 of them were roommate situations (bad idea), but the others fit her needs perfectly.

And the only reason I looked for the AD in the first place is because I thought she lied about it. I was surprised it was real and that she actually looked at it, but not surprised that it was the worst rental to even be considering.

In case anyone is wondering, I did not copy down the info for the other ADs to give to uPD mom later, because if she was serious about looking for a place, she would have taken that info down herself already. One of my boundaries is to NOT put in more effort in helping someone else than the effort they put in for themselves.