How does one stop a fauxpology

[P&K]

How does one stop a “fauxpology” they don’t want to hear and walk away unscathed?

I am about to have contact after 9 months NC. (Not my choice but trying to help to DH) updMIL may launch into another victim monologue/fauxpology as an explanation which I would love to avoid as it’s likely to trigger my negative emotions and responses (you have had almost a year to concoct one, don’t  start up now) it’s my plan to politely ask her stop and move forward with life. 
Other than that, I will be MC and grey rocking all over the place.

My anxiety hasn’t really picked up (yet) but it’s newer territory for me and I’m trying not to be outright negative. It’s hard to let anything go without it feeling like one big rug sweep or giving permission for the dysfunction to continue. DH is on board with our determined boundaries (no alcohol, undermining etc) which helps. I try telling myself that allowing this visit opens a door to repair the damage but I am feeling highly doubtful since the effort has only been made toward DH. 

Thoughts, stories or suggestions welcome!

[all4peace]

I've gotten the fauxpology and overly long and clinging embrace (still makes me shudder). I'm not a fan of trying to shut down other people's apologies, faux or not, so my suggestion would be to imagine a shield around you, a bubble of energy emanating from you to several feet around you. It only lets in the things you want to let in, but nothing else.

Another idea is to act as an observer, looking for the "parts" of a true apology--taking personal responsibility, acknowledging the harm done to the other person, expression of regret for causing harm, plan for changing behavior to not repeat the harm, and an acceptance that the harmed person may not accept the apology or open up to closer relationship again. By doing this during the fauxpology I received, it helped me be a scientific observer, it helped me remember the actual conversation (!) and not be in trauma mode, fight/flight/flee. It helped create detached distance while still politely listening.

I hope this helps. Only you know your story, what you're able for and what makes the most sense for you. This is just my thought based on my own life situation.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with the comment above.  You probably can't stop the fauxpology but you might be able to control your reaction.  Building that emotional wall can help.  Not having an external reaction can help.  Good luck!

[P&K]

I've gotten the fauxpology and overly long and clinging embrace (still makes me shudder).

Yes! I've certainly experienced this before as well.  It helps to be reminded that I can form that invisible wall and observe proceedings. The hard part will be hiding my true emotions from creeping across my face.

What have you said in response to these apologies? I fear that simply acknowledging it or even saying "ok" will act as a green light for her to resume her cycle again.

[bloomie]

I've gotten the fauxpology and overly long and clinging embrace (still makes me shudder).

Add another one to the club. Add to the awkward... I was sitting on a picnic blanket out in the open at a gathering, so, an audience, and uPDmil came in so low, hard and fast she ended up knocking me backwards and stayed there laying on top of me sobbing. It was really a bad moment. I don't like to think about it too much, but at a distance it had to look really strange and up close it was awful. 😳

I have actually had two fauxapologies and one was standing up - also with an audience in my workplace of all things.    When she came in for the tight embrace I moved back and with arms outstretched palms away from me to ward her off I said: " I am uncomfortable hugging right now.  I will think about what you have shared."

I will be honest... not rug sweeping, hugging, and playing my part by acting like everything was a-okay in front of an audience uPDmil had strategically chosen did not go over well, but it was as kind and honest as I could possibly be under really uncomfortable circumstances.  And I refused to engage in the theatrics that followed.

it's my plan to politely ask her stop and move forward with life

I think this is a really good plan. You are not saying anything is okay, you are just not engaging in a nonproductive back and forth imv. Another thing I have learned to say that bypasses it all that I have used for other inappropriate topics of conversation uPDmil is known for bringing up in front of an audience that would possibly work is... "this is not the time or the place for this conversation."

Good luck with this in whatever you decide is best for you!

[all4peace]

Well, I definitely wouldn't recommend this as I would now consider this condescending, but at the time I gave uNBPDmil a mini-lesson in the "parts" of a true apology since her fauxpology was so vague as to be incoherent. I told her I didn't actually know what she was trying to say, and that when our kids were toddlers we taught them the parts of an apology, and then I described those parts to her. Seriously, I don't recommend this! But it is what I did.

The OTHER thing I did is let her know my boundaries still stood. Your MIL can apologize AND you can maintain your necessary boundaries. For me, I needed it to be clear that her "apology" didn't actually change anything I was offering her (public, whole-family time only, our DD available only with all of our FOC)

Even though the other person may hold the false belief that their apology clears the way for what they want to happen next, it doesn't mean you have to go along with that. You can simply say "Thank you for what you've shared. I appreciate that it must have been hard for you." If you have boundaries as a simple definition of who you are and what you are/aren't willing for, her apology is neither here nor there. It may be genuine. It may not. It may be full and complete. It may not. You still get to decide your boundaries, and those may change over time as you have time to assess whether she is truly changing, but it certainly doesn't need to happen in the moment.

Why don't you want your emotions to show?


Bloomie, that's just too awful to even imagine!! Oh my word, how incredibly violating! I'm thankful you were able to physically assert yourself the second time.

[P&K]

uPDmil came in so low, hard and fast she ended up knocking me backwards and stayed there laying on top of me sobbing. It was really a bad moment. I don't like to think about it too much, but at a distance it had to look really strange and up close it was awful.

I have actually had two fauxapologies and one was standing up - also with an audience in my workplace of all things.    When she came in for the tight embrace I moved back and with arms outstretched palms away from me to ward her off I said: " I am uncomfortable hugging right now.  I will think about what you have shared."

I will be honest... not rug sweeping, hugging, and playing my part by acting like everything was a-ok in front of an audience uPDmil had strategically chosen did not go over well, but it was as kind and honest as I could possibly be under really uncomfortable circumstances.  And I refused to engage in the theatrics that followed.

I think your responses are pretty close to my natural reactions.
I feel I may be up for a similar encounter with my dh’s Foo as the audience.  Perhaps I fear that showing my true emotions  will lead to more problems with the rest of the family even though it will won’t change my bottom line. Maybe it’s more of a need to prevent other issues from  cropping up.  She’s going to knock me for a loop if I get a real apology... I plan to hang onto your “time and place” response should I need to use it.

All4Peace- that would be immensely satisfying in the moment. I wonder how well it would go if I said I was sorry she felt her apology was sufficient or that it was the best she could offer (answer:badly) 
Most of her behaviour could use lessons like this but it’s not my place to educate her.  She will figure out quickly that our boundaries are in place and she will likely get upset things aren’t going back to “normal”. I’dlove to tell her exactly what I think but I am wise enough to know it won’t help the situation. I’ve never openly lost my cool with her and I suspect it throws her off since most other family members get right down in the dirt with her to argue when civil discussion and rationale inevitably fail.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It really helps me process what I’m feeling and make decisions that are healthy for me and mine.  It’s hard to maintain my standard of decorum without allowing her to get what she wants or continue with bad behaviour. I suspect I baffle her as much as she baffles me because I don’t give her the fight she wants so she can maintain her victim/martyr status. That reason is probably a big part of why I wanted to head off any fauxpologies in the first place(why don’t she accept my apology? I’m a good person? P&K is a princess/b**** who is full off herself)  Good old Darvo. She hasn’t successfully done this with me to date, I’d hate to give her an opportunity now.

You two are amazing individuals and I admire your strength and grace.

[Awesome516]

P&K, in my 38 years of experience with narcissist in-laws I've learned that hardly anything will change on their part. If you let them in again, especially if they're getting older, it usually gets worse. There's where you perfect the MC skills. Let your MIL say her piece, but don't offer much because it only adds fuel to a likely fire. If you remain detached, calm and say very little, sparks might not ignite. If  the drama gets going and emotions are high, MIL won't even hear you anyway, it will be all about her. Forget rational explanations or solutions, she may gaslight you, and you'll quickly feel out of control. Is there something that triggered the need to come out of NC and see her again? Can you go back to NC or VLC?   I know this is so hard for your DH, and for you to watch. I don't know your situation, so I hope I haven't said anything insensitive.  It took my late husband and I many years to learn just a few  coping skills, which mostly meant simply not taking the bait. I still stumble and fall with my 82 year old NMIL so believe me, it's never easy. This is a fantastic board here, you'll learn a lot from these wonderful people!

[P&K]

P&K, in my 38 years of experience with narcissist in-laws I've learned that hardly anything will change on their part. If you let them in again, especially if they're getting older, it usually gets worse. There's where you perfect the MC skills. Let your MIL say her piece, but don't offer much because it only adds fuel to a likely fire. If you remain detached, calm and say very little, sparks might not ignite. If  the drama gets going and emotions are high, MIL won't even hear you anyway, it will be all about her

You've nailed it on the head as far as I can see. Right now, I'm wondering how many cycles it will take for DH. The reason I imposed NC was actually a culmination of several things but DH and others in the fam would tell me that those things aren't even the worst actions they've seen.
A lot is self management for me right now. She knows Im well aware of what's going on even if she can't articulate it (blows the covert cover? Doesn't understand why someone won't fall for her drama? Who really knows!)
In a way, it's almost as if I'm trying to protect everyone by heading off an uncomfortable scene.
Thank you for your kind words. You're right about this community and the support found here.

[P&K]

Update
Well, it was a big rug sweep and a bit of projection. EnFIL had a very stressful year and apparently  that made things hard on everyone 
Can only shrug and keep on medium chill/grey rocking. I am mildly curious if they think I believe that but it really doesn’t make a difference one way or the other. I’m pleased i’m not tied up in knots afterwards, must be healing more and more!

[Starboard Song]

I don't know how much appetite for engagement you have. And I don't know if you are likely to face a demand for a response. For instance, well I've apologized so what are you going to do now.

I only faced this once a while back. Because I tend towards engagement even though we are now in NC as a general rule, I asked probing questions.

So you're saying you would not behave this way in the future? So you agree that this was very wrong and should not have happened this way? So how are you going to change so that this will not happen again?

I suspect the better answer is always to listen politely and say thank you and move on. But I've long since stopped believing there was anyone right answer to these sorts of situations.

Be good. Be strong.

[Alpacalunch]

I admire all of you for being so kind. These "apologies" are just the worst, it's so easy to want to lash out and speak your peace.

I've been faced with one as well. I was truly at the end of my rope and yet to defend myself, had no support from my husband. I was the "too sensitive" wife breaking apart his perfect image of his family.

My mil (who has many narc tendencies) came to me in front of the entire family, asked me to stand and hug her because in her words: "sorry if I did anything to offend you, I wish you weren't so sensitive. I never even did something that should hurt you."

I told her that I wasn't sure if that was an apology but now isn't the time or place. I couldn't bring myself to hug her. That's one thing that has affected my marriage so much, because I was the villain for not accepting poor mil's apology and I was so unforgiving. Sometimes I wonder if I had hugged her like everything was fine, maybe things would be better. Not sure how I would change this in hindsight though.

[P&K]

Alpacalunch - you are a good person and a strong one. No one should ever force physical contact, especially if it's not welcome. I feel you set a good boundary in not giving into her very public performance and maybe she will think twice in the future. In my case, I've learned what's been coined the fly by kiss/hug. I put my hands on their upper arms and air kiss their cheek quickly before they can bear hug me. It may not apply in your apology situation, but it has served me well over time.
I can empathize with your predicament. I was caller a sensitive, a princess, a lazy b**** wife etc etc. Never said to my face of course but can you say PROJECTION?
You are in good company here, so many people understand and will offer you support. It's an ongoing process, be kind to yourself 

[Wanderingsoul]

I got the fauxpology and tried to look like a golden goddess of love and light to my husband by accepting my pdMIL's apology. She just started back up with the emotionally driven text messages and since her apology has been texting me excessively its weird. my Mil went from being obsessed with ruining my life for two years and once my husband told her she cant contact me anymore she lost it and begged to apologize to me and my parents. She sat there and said she was evil, that she wanted to take my son away from me, that she intentionally baited me into conflicts, and intentionally would find bad in everything I did in an effort to slander my name to my husband. He thinks she's evolved. I know it was bullshit and it's only a matter of time before she crosses the boundary. Since then, my husband has been very open with me and we're working through years worth of marriage issues. But I'm scared now to tell him she crossed the line again. Specially since he's helping my dad with medical stuff (hes a physician) so I feel like I can't say anything now. It's horrible.

I wish I knew then what I know now. I didn't know about this forum. I didn't know my MIL was a PD/Narcissist then. I should have told her then that I would like to continue no contact. I want to talk to my husband about her aggressive texts but am fearful he will argue and change his mind about going to counseling. In the meantime, I've blocked her and if he says anythign I will say:

- For the last two years your mom has done this and every time I came to you, you didn't do anything. You neglected me because you feared confronting your mother.
- So I did what I thought was best which was to tell her shes right, because confronting a narcissist is dangerous and always leads to WW3 between her and I.
- And proceeded to block her to remove myself from any situation where she will contact me aggressively again.
- How else would you have wanted me to handle it? Confront her? Cry to you? None of those ever got me anywhere with either of you. So I'm avoiding future conflict by removing myself from the situation.

He will think, oh she was venting because she cares about our money. She wanted to prevent us from losing money. The reason why she texted me is irrelevant to you readers,so I wont waste ur time, but it was emotionally charged and unncessary. She could have told my husband about it but there was a part of her that wanted to tell me. That wanted to make me feel bad. That wanted to get a rise out of me. I dont know what to do....

My plan is to block her until my husband mentions something to me about it. And I will say what I planned to say.

I've gotten the fauxpology and overly long and clinging embrace (still makes me shudder).

Yes! I've certainly experienced this before as well.  It helps to be reminded that I can form that invisible wall and observe proceedings. The hard part will be hiding my true emotions from creeping across my face.

What have you said in response to these apologies? I fear that simply acknowledging it or even saying "ok" will act as a green light for her to resume her cycle again.