Elderly Parents and Golden Child dies before they do

[UsedUp]

Don't want to go into very much detail,  but is anyone here the scapegoat with a GC sibling, who's parents are elderly? Then suddenly the GC sib dies, and you, as scapegoat are all they have left. And you've been NC for a few years?

To top it off, 'mom' has dementia to the point she thought her dying GC was her husband. And she is caregiver to dad.

I found out all this in the last week via my son who was contacted.

I knew my whole life that mom wasn't 'right', but now it's to the point she can't take care of herself much less my dad, who is older than she is.

There's literally nobody left in that family to tend to them. And I'm NC. Is there a way to see to it they're taken care of without personally being there?

Maybe Adult Protective Services or some other place?

They have literally put all their eggs in GC sib's basket, figuring on GC to tend to them, and now that's not going to happen.

Where should I look for help for them without getting personally involved,  because that would probably end up with me being in the hospital?

[SunnyMeadow]

I don't have experience in what you're going through but I wanted to reach out to say I'm sorry and feel your stress. Adult Protective Services could be a good place to start, then they can direct you to a different agency if need be.

I know there are other people here who have experience in dealing with elderly parents and getting them help without being personally involved.

Hugs and good thoughts for you UsedUp.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm sorry about your brother, UsedUp.   

Personally?

I wouldn't do a thing. 

If your mom and dad have doctors, the doctors' offices will probably contact you about stepping in to help them - or the social worker at their supplemental insurance company might call you, to "request" the same thing.   

Tell them you can't do a thing, it's not possible and they'll have to figure out something else, or call APS.

APS will then call you and do the same caregiver dance.  JUST an hour a week, for laundry?

NO.  You can't do a thing.  It's just not possible.      

They'll write down unwilling - it's meant to make you feel bad.  Don't let it.  It's just a word.

I told them to write down any damned thing they wanted, the answer was still NO.   

Then they will ask you The Dumbest Question Ever:  Can mom and dad come live with you?

Please resist the urge to scream, "ARE YOU HIGH!?!?!?" - and say, "NO.  My house isn't SAFE for them.  There's no main-floor bedroom, very steep staircases, little wheelchair access, and a lot of sharp, tight angles."

BTW - that's my house, sort-of.  But nobody is ever going to check, so go ahead and use it.   

APS will probably tell you they're making an appointment to visit your parents - tell them fine, and good luck with that.

What happens after that, I really don't know, because THIS happened instead:

UnNPD Ray blew off a competency exam, then fell in his bathroom the next week, the Visiting Nurse called the police and APS, who called me to come over and I told them I couldn't - they had my permission to break in.

The paramedics found Ray on the bathroom floor, with his Life Alert *well within reach*, conscious, but he'd lain there long enough to give himself a grade-4 pressure ulcer on his hip.  He did NOT want to go to the hospital, but APS pulled rank on him and made him go - while I stayed HERE and did absolutely nothing.   

Not long after, he was declared incompetent, placed in a memory care unit, I went NC and wound down his affairs.

I think APS *can* pull rank on your mom or dad - and probably call an ambulance to get them both to a hospital, to be assessed.

If either of them is declared incompetent, the spouse will be the responsible party, and will need to make full financial disclosure, to have the incompetent spouse placed in a nursing home.

If it gets to that point, and your son reaches out to you again about it, the ONLY advice I'd give him is, "Tell mom/dad to hire an eldercare attorney."

If *both* of them are declared incompetent, this is where if might get a little weird - the hospital will need financial disclosure to place them in a nursing home, which means going to their house and getting that information.

If you can't or won't do it, and your son can't or won't do it, I don't know if APS can do it or not - you can always ask them, and see what they say - and ask them about having your parents made wards of the state.

If there is *nothing* you want - they have no assets (home they own, hefty bank accounts, bonds, life insurance policies, stock options, valuable jewelry (that mostly isn't valuable!), a collection of Ming vases, the lost Amber Room from the Russian Imperial Palace) - let the state take over.   

Note:  like that "valuable jewelry", any coin collection or stamp collection probably isn't worth more than $50.   

But if they are monied, and you'd like a bit of a nest egg, you might want to consult an eldercare attorney - and yes, even if they're both incompetent, you can still sometimes obtain POA.   

The eldercare attorney is paid from your parents' account.  Yes - *their* money, not yours. 

If you pay with your own money, your parents' account reimburses you, as long as you make sure to write in the notation "for legal fees in obtaining POA."  (Or something along those lines, indicating legal fees.)

But, I'm going to assume there's nothing you want, and all that "priceless" shit GC bro was promised was just that - SHIT!   

Okay - the other, other option is BOTH parents are found competent and can live in their home, but need help, and will pretty much tell APS just about anything to get them off their backs, and you keep doing this dance over and over and over again, because your parents are on the "bubble" - and nobody wants them to slip through the cracks.  APS will now make regular visits - and regular calls to you.   

My advice if both parents are found competent?

Start blocking numbers of social workers.  Your stomach will thank you!   

I'm the only one, so there was no backup plan - and I walked away.   

You can do the same thing, if you want - and stay OUT of it completely, if you choose to.   

You owe them nothing.

But you owe yourself *everything!*   

[bloomie]

UsedUp - I am sorry for the loss of your sibling. If I am remembering from your past posts that was a difficult relationship and there must be many emotions for you around his death.

It might help to begin with considering the reliability of the person who contacted your son. Are your parents truly in need of help? How reliable is this information? Would your parents even be open to an assessment of their risk/current status and receiving services and interventions that may be deemed necessary by their doctor or a medical social worker or in home nursing case manager? Oftentimes, our high conflict uPD elderly parents are not willing to cooperate with assistance.

In our own case, with both sides of parents - they were so resistant to any help or interventions and were running us into the ground with falls, ER visits, debilitating illnesses, auto accidents, and dementia that we had to let the wheels fall off before they would finally acquiesce to ongoing help and change in their living environment.

So, this is painful and tough path you are on and only you can know when, how, and how far to intervene. A discreet inquiry into the actual circumstances they are living in may go a long way to helping you know how best to go forward.

There are several members here on Out of the FOG that successfully manage their aging parents needs from a distance. They use medical social workers and various other services that handle the hands on direct contact piece and then are able to handle all of the financial aspects remotely.

There is a list of great resources that may be of help to you right now found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=68854.0

Wisdom and peace to you as you go forward.

[daughter]

I'm NC for nearly 7+ years, for legitimate self-preservation reasons, also the overtly disfavored SG child w/ a blatantly favored GC sibling. I'm not returning to my parents' aid; that relationship is so thoroughly ruined by the willful choices of both my parents.  In your absence, the void (read: "assistance-labor-attention") will be filled by others, whether unestranged relatives, community social services, or hospital team. Their problems will ultimately be addressed, as for other folks w/o adult-children; you aren't the only one-size-fits-all solution.  Your free labor and filial attention is not your parents' right; it was a privilege that was forfeited when your NC decision was made.  Don't feel compelled to answer the dog-whistle summons from your other relatives.  And realize, for us SGs, that summons feels undeniable and absolute, because that's how our parents enforced their expectations and demands, as mandate and duty, rather than our choice.

[Kiki81]

I'm an only child. My Narents are 88. They live in a lovely CCRC. I've been NC 5 years. I know my Narents like 'special ' and 'complicated,' which is considered to be the domain of family members and friends. I don't do anything for my Narents or the CCRC.  That is what comes of giving your child ptsd---I'm busy healing and fixing everything they broke.

[UsedUp]

Thank you all for the replies.

WI, there's nothing they may have that I want. The current problem is that I don't know what they have, what their assets may be, because that was all kept in the dark to me, and GCsib was involved in that.

Kinda like they put all their future in him and left me out. So now, I have no clue what they have, what kind of home health care they could afford,  or what kind of skilled nursing facility they could afford.  No idea, and no legal way of finding out.

All I know is that mom doesn't know which way is up...still drives... still is the one responsible for taking care of dad, and she thought her GC son was her husband while he was in the hospital and didn't know who her own sister was at the funeral.

Mysteriously, his hearing aids have gone missing so nobody can even talk to him on the phone.  Of course he gave them to mom to clean... which he also does with his dentures.  So if those go missing too, he won't be able to eat.

Some of these kind of things is why I'm thinking of calling APS.

She told me a few years ago to not bother coming around for Thanksgiving.. that it was only for them. It can't get any clearer than that. But that's when she still had GCSib.

Now they have nobody.  APS may be what I end up doing. And that would be taking better care of them than I was as a child.