Escalating aggression

[little-raisin]

Things are escalating, and I'm not sure what to do.  Last night, after we had both a drink in front of tv (not much, a glass of wine each) uNPDh and I had a minor rather strange discussion about towels.  I wouldn't even call it an argument or disagreement.  It was rather strange and without any point to it, but I could tell SO was getting 'frustrated' with me.  Frustrated is what he is, never angry, just frustrated.  I said he was acting a bit strange (bad move I know, I'm not very good at all the techniques for not engaging yet) and he kind of squared up to me with his arms crossed and gave me a menacing look and said 'really?'.  It felt aggressive and intimidating.  I backed off to try to de-escalate.  I don't know what else to do tbh.  Then we went to bed and nothing else was said.  This morning he's back to normal, and I try to be to.

But I didn't like it!  I don't want to have to back down because I'm scared of what's coming next.  I know from experience that trying to reason in those situations like last night only turns into something much bigger and much worse.  If I say something tonight after he comes home from work, that will either turn into another shitstorm or get blameshifted back on me.  So I just carry on as normal.  But things are not normal.  I'm shaking.

You kind experienced people, what would you have done in situation above, and what should I do now if anything ?

[ICantThinkOfAName]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with these kind of behaviors.  I just wanted to tell you that I can relate.  The not being able to say what's bothering you thing is really really hard.  There are a lot of very helpful people here and the first thing I usually see them write back is to check out the toolbox.  It took me a while to do just that, but it has been very helpful in dealing with these types of behaviors.  The aggression is very scary and not reacting is a good way to deal with it.  It just makes it very hard to have a relationship or even a reasonable conversation with someone who behaves that way.  Not much solving of issues or problems happen without communication. 

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I have gone through similar things.  What I do now when he gets aggressive is just leave the room.  When I have tried to have conversations with him about his anger, he only says, so I'm not allowed to get angry anymore?  To that I just say, of course you are.  I'm just not going to hang around for it. 

Every situation is different and you need to do what you feel is safe.  So definately check out the toolbox for some ideas.

[coyote]

little-raisin,
I have been in your shoes many times in the past with my uPPDw. Of course it is different with a man than a woman but many of the same principles apply. Some things I've learned to do is Medium Chill it when the topic is not that big of a deal. Often I go along with what she is suggesting if it is not that big a deal to me. So for example I can't think where towels would mean that much to me whatever the topic surrounding them.

The other thing i've learned is to let her own her feelings and take care of her side of the street. I can only control my responses; I can't control her feelings. So if she is feeling frustrated I can empathize but it is up to her to deal with the frustration. If she starts to be abusive I put up Boundaries and enforce them with logical consequences when they are violated. So if she starts to threaten or call names, (which by the way she has not in years now), I leave the room, house, yard, whatever is needed.

I agree with not backing down and giving into the Fear part of the FOG. There is also something to be said about picking your battles. I never bring the situation up after it has passed. I know I will not change her behavior; only she can do that, and it is not worthwhile or productive to me. I think it helps to ask ourselves, Does this really need to be addressed? and if so does it have to be addressed right now?

Other things that have helped me is learning how not to JADE and thus avoid Circular Conversations. The 3Cs are helpful for me to keep in mind also. I hope this helps. Like Can'Think said each situation is different and you do need to feel safe.

[notrightinthehead]

Little raisin, I can relate to your response. I also freeze when aggression is shown openly. This is a result of my physically abusive mother, who was dangerous to be around when she lost it.  For some people it is easy to face up to that kind of behaviour, for some of us, it is not. We go into a survival response. Since you find it hard to stand up for yourself when you face intimidating gesturing from your husband, it might be a start to work on yourself and your response to his ways. Some might call it abuse and leave the room, but that might be too much for you. You could try some mindfulness techniques to calm yourself down and leave your husband to deal with his frustration by himself.

[1footouttadefog]

We went through a period where my pd was potentially violently angry or in weird nasty moods that were illogical. 

He eventually went on meds, and during the trial and error phase while finding what works, things were all over the map. 

I got to where I would wait until after things were calm again and I would let my pdh know that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior for the long haul.  I said I would be patient for a short while longer but he was on notice that him being nasty was not for long and any violence or raging was zero tolerance he would have to leave.

Every time he started in with any thing that resembled bullying would get called out.

Eventually he got it and my concerns were supported by his councelor.

Sometimes it's a matter of firmly explaing how you will and will not be treated.  Other times they refuse to change and you have to end the relationship.

Be careful.  Safety first.  If you feel in danger get you and any children to safety.