New member Looking for a place to vent

[BadgerGirl78]

Hi! Im new here and since it says to come introduce yourself at the welcome mat Im here!

Im 40, been happily married for almost 20 years and have an awesome daughter. I also have a terrible mother who has made life difficult for everyone in the family. I didnt realize how bad it was until I sought therapy for myself for other issues and my therapist took an interest in my relationship with her. It wasnt until she said "This is not normal" that I started looking into personality disorders. Once I stumbled upon information about NPD, it was like the light shone down and everything made sense.

My mom has always been a demanding person. Everything had to be about her somehow even when it was supposed to be for me. She demands to be a part of every conversation. She demands to be praised when she does thing that you didnt ask her to do nor wanted her to do. She guilt trips me that I dont come to visit even though she's ruined every visit Ive had with her with her behavior. Whether it was accusing my husband of being an abusive, controling husband (he's not); or straight up lying to me about getting a job near me; or treating my dad like trash, it just never ends.

She's not as bad as others with NPD but it's enough that I dont want to be around her and I definitely dont want my daughter around her. The biggest guilt I have is that in order to avoid her, Ive had to abandon my dad. The poor man is stuck with her constant nit picking and chiding. Nothing he does is good enough. She never expresses love or gratitude to him. Only annoyance and insults. She's like Henry the VIII roaring out demands from her throne demanding him to wait on her.

Complicating things is that I have a severely disabled brother who is mentally incompetent. Due to a variety of health concerns (Severe Down syndrome, brain damage, alzheimers, etc), He is home bound. My mother controls that situation with a vice grip And relishes the fact that, as a nurse, she knows everything there is to know. Even more than neurologists and specialists! She's constantly demading tests and pills for different conditions for him and is horribly insulted if you ask the reasoning behind it. How dare we question her knowledge!

She even inflated her own cancer diagnosis for attention. She told everyone who would give her sympathy that she would HAVE to have a double mastectomy, radiation, and two years of post cancer medication. In reality, her cancer was highly treatable and has, as expected by her doctor, responded well to treatment. In a miracle of miracles, she only has to have a lumpectomy after a short course of chemo (which was her true prognosis all along). She was almost giddy telling everyone she saw about how bleak her future was and now is telling everyone how she fought so hard to beat it. Meanwhile,  her only side effects from chemo have been hair loss, gi upset, and an even worse personality than usual.

I know I sound like a horrible person dragging a cancer patient but I see right through her. I visited with my parents this past week for the first time since moving abroad. She was still the same hateful, demanding and drama queen self she has always been.

I hope to connect with other who know what it's like to be stuck with someone who cares more about themselves than they do others. Or if they do care for others, it's just a way to stroke their ego. She's sweet as pie to everyone but us. I still dont know how to deal with my feelings of intense guilt and shame. I still feel like the horrible daughter who ran away. Even though I know Im on the right path with limited contact, it still hurts to have to explain why I dont like my own mother. Hopefully you guys will understand.

Thanks!

[Latchkey]

Hi BadgerGirl78 and welcome,

You are not alone in having a PD parent exploit an illness (real or imagined)(of themselves or a child) for the secondary gains. There are others here with an enabling other parent, you'll often see EnFather  or other to describe the dynamic. It's great you have a therapist as well.

Please check out all the different boards of the forum and check out the Toolbox as you get settled in. There's Dealing with Parents and also Dealing with Elderly PD which might speak to you as well as boards like Working on Us for helping us find ways to cope.

We are here for you!

Latchkey