I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.

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newlife33

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I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« on: March 13, 2019, 01:05:53 AM »
I'm just over two years no contact from my entire biological family. I begin to notice that the days are just slipping by and I'm enjoying the little things and really just going with the flow. But then there are days when I get jacked up on adrenaline or have flashbacks and I am hyper aware and stressed.

And the weird thing is I almost like it and miss it. I survived So Long by being extremely Vigilant and Hyper aware of things that are around me. Constantly being on edge and chasing and drum than highs was a fast pace ride.

Now that things are slowing down a little bit, I'm a bit bored and lonely and depressed. I guess those are all the things I should have been allowed to deal with when I was younger. Those are all totally normal emotions, but I wasn't allowed to feel then because my family was toxic.

It's so funny the struggles I'm finding on this journey that I didn't think I would have to fight. I thought I would get out and it would all be okay. But I'm in a very odd place right now in that this boredom and loneliness and stress is a new feeling to be able to process in the proper way. Part of me wants to run back to the drama, to the addictions, to the chaos and the disrespect. At least when I was deep in the abuse I never had to deal with any of my own emotions.

I have a lot to look forward to in April in May, so I guess for now I'm just going to push through and hope that I get used to this new normal and deal with the boredom and loneliness in more healthy ways.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 01:11:57 AM by newlife33 »

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artfox

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #1 on: March 13, 2019, 02:39:10 AM »
What feels like boredom now may ease into contentment with time. I wonder if the boredom is maybe your brain getting used to not being cranked up all the time—like it’s freaking out a little and wanting to go back to the “safe” hyper-alert state.

The subconscious is soooo sneaky. I hope you can get comfy with this new way of being and start to enjoy it—you deserve to!

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newlife33

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 09:10:40 AM »
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I think you are correct. A lot of times what I found in this journey is that sometimes I'll feeling emotion and I don't know what it is and it freaks me out. There have been moments of contentment through this time and it was a bit beautiful but also uncomfortable and scary because I didn't know what it is. But putting a word to it makes me feel a lot safer and better with it. Thanks for helping me work through that!

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SonofThunder

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 10:40:51 AM »
Hello Newlife,

I understand what you wrote and have experienced this myself during a period of being away from my uPDw.  I want to suggest that you consider a hobby or new adventure (travel, learning experience, business), that has a slight risk, or challenge to you; something outside your norm and/or comfort zone.  You may find the unknown of the challenge provides you with the hyper-vigilance that helps you feel on top of your game, but in a very healthy way vs dealing with a PD. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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all4peace

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 10:46:17 AM »
You describe this so well! And I agree with your conclusion that it's a new normal to settle into. I had a time also when I missed the hypervigilance, as I was missing things that I used to see and not "reading" people like I used to. I'm trying to consider the possibility that I did both at an abnormal level that wasn't good for my nervous system. I'm also learning how to settle into the discomfort of actually feeling MY feelings. I hope it smooths out over time! Thank you for sharing this important observation!

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Kieveen

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2019, 02:25:39 PM »
 I experienced something similar.  How I eventually handled the boredom was getting involved in things I always wanted to try.  During that time I started making casual friends.   Now I'm focused on my personal health issues,  but I hope to get back to making new friends and doing the things I enjoyed.

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Starboard Song

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 03:06:45 PM »
Play a violent video game for an hour a day and see how it feels. You can't stop. It is addictive.

Our little caveman brains know we are doing the right then when we are running from tigers or chasing rabbits. Otherwise, we are feeling a little dodgy. A relaxed caveman was a dead caveman.

I think it is Healing From Family Rifts, in my signature, that forthrightly admonishes us to recognize our vigilance and rumination as an addiction, understand that it keeps the toxicity in our life, and then take steps to stop the addiction.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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1footouttadefog

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 01:05:25 PM »
I can relate to an extent.  If you grow up in an adrenaline inducing environment, things can seem bland when you are out of the drama.

For me it's a bit like giving up on sugar highs or caffiene, there is a physical craving.

I have founded that holistic self care is very helpful with battling boredom and loneliness.  For me making sure I listen to music I like and getting intellectual stimulation is important.

I have the Ted talk app on my phone and I download the short lectures to listen to while working around the house.  I enjoy listening to this American life and other podcasts to expand my horizons into life situations I will never encounter (or in most cases I hope not, Lol)

I recently bought some "the great courses " used super cheap, and listen to them in my car instead of the same old commercials.

I joined a couple meetup groups and get out more.  I did a small engine repair class recently.

I take time to drive and wander to new places, sometimes with the family and sometimes alone.

Take care of all parts of who you are.

 



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newlife33

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 04:04:12 PM »
I can relate to an extent.  If you grow up in an adrenaline inducing environment, things can seem bland when you are out of the drama.

For me it's a bit like giving up on sugar highs or caffiene, there is a physical craving.

I have founded that holistic self care is very helpful with battling boredom and loneliness.  For me making sure I listen to music I like and getting intellectual stimulation is important.

I have the Ted talk app on my phone and I download the short lectures to listen to while working around the house.  I enjoy listening to this American life and other podcasts to expand my horizons into life situations I will never encounter (or in most cases I hope not, Lol)

I recently bought some "the great courses " used super cheap, and listen to them in my car instead of the same old commercials.

I joined a couple meetup groups and get out more.  I did a small engine repair class recently.

I take time to drive and wander to new places, sometimes with the family and sometimes alone.

Take care of all parts of who you are.

Thanks, I sort of am doing a lot of what you said I just realized that I have never told anyone about it because no one is currently in my life who I have a strong enough relationship with to share that :(

You are right, I will continue to do the small things and build my life and make new friends and connections and I hope that will fill in the gap of hypervigilance.  Nothing in like dissapears overnight.  I got rid of this hypervigilance over a long period of time and it will also take a long period of time to fill my life with a more healthy lifestyle.  Thanks again for sharing your experiences, it was helpful to read and validating.

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StayWithMe

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Re: I almost miss the hyper-vigilance in a way.
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2019, 07:14:36 PM »
I sometimes miss the hypervigilance because it's a reminder that I am finally standing up for myself.  This is why I am here, to relive it.  Hopefully, it helps other people.