DD15 likes ExH’s house more, heartbreak!

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry,  newday.

My parenting coaches would tell me to take care of myself, focus on me, and stop focusing on my children, I think, in your circumstances.  You can only control yourself, how you respond, and what actions you'll take. 

This is counter intuitive, and difficult at the best of times.  Almost impossible when things are bad, IME, but if you're out of ideas... maybe try it for a while.

Our kids want to spend more time with us as we work on ourselves. 

Divorcing a PD creates trauma in our nervous systems... in our bodies, our skin, and brains. 

Take care of yourself.  You'll want to be the healthiest you can be for whatever comes next, IME.

[cant turn back]

Hi NewDay,
I'm so sorry to hear... Going back to court even though it's done.  That's really terrible, sounds like you've already spent enough time and money at court. 
Our 15 yo daughters sound similar.  Anything goes at dads house, he is more like a peer.  While I actually parent at my house... and, well, that's much less fun.  It's a 180 change from how my ex parented for 14 years, which is really the most maddening thing.  Will my daughter ever remember all the other stuff?  I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells in parenting.  Like how much can I reprimand, consequence, take away the cell phone.. until she blows and wants to stay at dad's permanently.  Like you described your daughter going to her dads after you caught her lying to you..
I don't think my Ex would take me back to court, he somehow seemed pretty intimidated by the court arena, not his preferred venue.  He is instead going to work on DD15, so SHE will want the change.  Then Mr. Innocent and his puppy can throw his hands up "who me"..?  This is what "she wants".  Even so, I don't think I can stop.  Someone has to be the voice of reason and sometimes the answer has to be "no".  As hard and scary as it is.  At least that's where I'm at today.  A part of me knows that my daughter gets it on some level and we still have a very good emotional connection, even if it gets murky at times.  And, as she gets older, she will get it even more, to the detriment of her martyr dad. 
I think we have to play the long game and just keep doing the right thing, even though it is so scary and the results often so heartbreaking. 

[athene1399]

I think we have to play the long game and just keep doing the right thing, even though it is so scary and the results often so heartbreaking.

It is so scary. We are often afraid to say the wrong thing. We don't have SD that often now and sometimes SO says something that she takes the wrong way and wants to be immediately driven back to BM's house. Where BM sympathizes with how "abusive" SO is and buys SD presents when she reports back to her that SO was a jerk. But sometimes it is stuff that needs to be said or limits that need to be set. But I have noticed that SD does get it on some level. I don't think she trusts BM. She was staying with her all the time during the summer a few years ago, but when she needed her wisdom teeth out she wanted to stay with us and have us take care of her. Recently, she's been staying exclusively with BM but when it was open house at the college she is attending next year she asked SO and I to go. She also wants us to take her to a consultation for dental implants. It sucks she's always at BM's for the time being, but it seems like if she needs to trust someone she goes to us. I just wish she didn't feel guilted (or whatever it is that motivates her to be there) into staying with BM all the time. And I hope it doesn't last too long into adulthood. SO and I are afraid BM will convince SD to live with her forever to take care of her due to her "medical" problem of the month (I'm using quotes because BM diagnoses herself and it's never true).

[40andfab]

This is such a difficult thing to deal with! All I can say from experience is that it sounds like your daughter is going through a very difficult time and needs your support and love. My older three daughters came out the other side intact, yes, their grades were terrible and two of them had to do summer school to graduate, but worse things can happen at 15!

She will survive this and get through it and so will you. Time will tell with a PD and the happier and healthier you are and more centered you are the better you can meet her emotional needs. Having a PD father is so stressful for kids, it can cause bouts of anxiety and depression and really take it's toll. It sounds to me like she is struggling and therapy may really help.

[cant turn back]

Thank you 40andfab.
Timely feedback tonight, we just did the custody change and my house is now heartbreakingly empty.  Mondays totally suck.  After 7 days, it just feels so normal to have DD15 with me, and, when she leaves, it's like someone is pulling my heart out.  Sad tonight..
Did your daughters have to go back and forth between you and their dad's house?  It's so hard!!
When will the new normal of my life feel normal?  In so many ways I just keep thinking it will get better, more comfortable, more fulfilling, like I will start to feel more contentedness.  Instead I just keep yearning for my old life where everything was predictable and stable (for better or worse), minus my ExH, I don't miss him.  And, that fact is sometimes the only thing that helps me remember I did the right thing to leave and divorce.  But, in true codependent form, then I feel guilty and bad for having those thoughts too. 
It's all so hard.
I'm ready to go to work tomorrow, to be distracted and busy all day.

[athene1399]

It is hard, CBT. I'm just a step mom and it's hard. We had SD for half the week, sometimes all the time here and there depending on how BM was doing. On top of that, I picked SD up from school so saw her every day. Then this year with my schedule, I coudln't pick her up (SO/BM's been doing it). And end of October, SD decided she wanted to stay exclusively with BM. So I went from seeing her every day, to half the week, then to maybe once a month. She's not even mine and I felt empty sometimes. I couldn't imagine what it must be like if it's your own child. It does get easier, or maybe you just get used to the hurt. I've also given up my biological daughter for adoption when I was 19, so I guess I do understand a bit. The pain dulls. And what's kept me going is knowing I will see her again (I did get to meet her recently). So find what keeps you going and focus on that. It's a big change to get used to. The other advice I have is don't keep your feeling bottled up. Find someone to confide in or write in a journal.  Everything takes time. I took it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. I'm glad for you that you don't have to live with your ex anymore, but sad that you don't see your daughters as much. It will get better.