How's Everyone Doing

[momnthefog]

Hey Moms and Dads.....it's been really quiet here lately. 

How's everyone doing?   

momnthefog

[hhaw]

Hey Moms and Dads.....it's been really quiet here lately. 

How's everyone doing?   

momnthefog

Hi there:

My dd18, a Senior in HS now, started her pattern of avoiding school again since our return from WInter break.   She'd fasted for 72 hours DURING the end of that break, then attempted a paleo eating plan... but couldn't figure it out.   There was binging, fasting, and more binging.  Food stopped bringing pleasure to her.   She couldn't get a handle on it, and asked to see eating disorder specialist.

I have to say that my plan to put a T in place from day one of after return from Boarding School was likely not the fix.  DD was coping well, according to her, till something happened during Winter Break.  DD asking for specific help, for a specific problem, now seems very wise, and I wish I could have had less fear during the process. 

I'm still learning how to step back, and trust dd.  DD came out of 3rd appt with eating dis T all chatty and happy... her spirit was so amazing!  She then went on to lead a long pantry, fridge/freezer X2, and can cupboard re organization project, with me assisting.  It was great, particularly bc dd expressed gratitude that I was her mom.  She thanked me for being there for her, and being me this morning.... I leaned into enjoying her, instead of fearing she wouldn't go to school again, as attendance is a definite problem right now.

DD hasn't seemed happy to have me as her mom for a while... .not that it's necessary.  It's just that she's been very moody around me, and somewhat angry and defiant, like an angry toddler, and it's been scary, bc I don't want to lose ground.  She seems so grown up around others,  but can still seem very young when around me. 

DD18 seems to be making good progress, is happy with her treatment plan,  on board, and back on track. 

::crossing fingers::

We have a nutritionist for eating disorders lined up, and a prescriber for ADD medications. 

It's very difficult not to try to FIX everything for my children.  I have to work on letting them do what they can do for themselves, no matter how badly I want to step in and do it.   My sister gives me advice to DO DO DO for my girls, and it's difficult not to give in, but in the long run, my goal is to raise capable young women who have agency over their lives... .and to  FEEL that for themselves. 

That's my update: )  I'm glad to read your son got the library job on his own, momnthefog.  I know that must feel like the sun came out for you: )



 

[Frankie14]

 

We are seeing some improvement as well, Mominthefog, I was happy to read your update..baby steps..indeed.

Our DD is back at college, she's been back there since mid January, and she has been on the Paxil now for 2 1/2 months; it seems to be working.  There have been no tirades, no arguing for money, taking NO for an answer.

DD has been under the care of a psychiatrist since end of December.  Out of Network and $350/a session.  Which has been rough..Since then, they have had twice monthly Skype sessions.  The psych is encouraging DD to advocate for herself, TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, NO (from us) means NO, that she is an adult (just turned 22).  We, her parents do not owe her a 5th year of college, she HAS to work to pay down her CC debt...we don't actually 'owe her anything'.  Her 5th year of college she can figure out with the financial department at her college/take out a loan, we have provided everything for 4 years she's been at college, spending money to car insurance, medical, copays, tuitions, everything, she's made maybe 2k total since she was 18, never having worked full time, even tho we have demanded full time work since she was 18.  She has refused; this year she said she will secure FULL time employment for the summer 4 months.
*we have two other children to provide for, we cannot continue to indulge a 22 year old.

A hopeful example:  was her college Spring Break, it has always been two weeks, BUT this year her school cut it down to one week.  Which we have known about.  Every March for 4 years, she would come home for the 2 weeks, obviously it was like throwing a match on gasoline when she was home, disrupting life for us/the younger kids, tirades, taking the car, begging for money, you know the drill...so every spring break ... when we would have just started to let ourselves breathe again after a disaster Christmas break, she would be back to reign terror for 2 weeks and then go back to college just to come back in May for 4 long summer months..rinse and repeat for 4 years..

This Christmas break was mostly a disaster, so we did not book her a flight to come home for just one week this Spring Break..

We chose a college far enough you had to fly there (or drive 6 1/2 hours) we did not want her coming home constantly once 'away at college' it had to be far enough..

Here comes the Hope part...Last week, she calls and says, am I coming home for spring break and I said, I have no idea, have you booked a flight, do you have money in your savings account for a flight, as they are showing flights are over $700 at this point, she said no, I said well then that's your answer, we cannot afford doctor bills, college tuition, books, and last minute flights for just one week home..she took the No for an answer, we usually had a hissy screaming fit, hanging up..then calling and calling...but she said okay, my dorm doesn't stay open but "I will figure it out."  She text me last night she is staying in her friends international dorm that stays open during breaks..and had moved some clothing and toiletries over.  *She solved her own problem for ONCE. 

Her therapist said she will start feeling 'better about herself' and in turn gain self esteem by 'doing for herself.'

I am continuing to pay the minimum on the credit cards she wracked up, as so her credit will not be ruined; but once she is home from college this May she is to take those payments over, we have discussed this. 

She has also secured a place to live with a friend/rent a room for the summer, we will help with that rent if we have to because, even with improvement; we do not want her back in our home to live (we have two younger kids, she is a MASSIVE disturbance even when she is relatively stable) and there is a big age gap my next two are almost 13 and 8..

I did not live at home at 22, nor did my husband.

My DD was ADHD as a child and put on Ritalin, she was on it from 7-17, she hated it (we didn't give on weekends or summer) and she went off of it at 17.  But, her new psychiatrist is recommending Adderall to get her thru the testing, papers and harder school work she now has.  I have VETO'D it, and won't pay for it, she used her savings for the $35 co-pay, I have emailed the psych to tell her its a BAD IDEA for Adderall...but my DD wants to try it under the psych care to see if her grades/attention improve..I am worried about Paxil and Adderall, sounds bad (to me)..

Fingers crossed...

Hhaw, happy to read your update as well..as much as we try to distance ourselves from the kids and their moods or treatment of us, its a stinging rebuke when they are lashing out at us, especially at 18 and up...

I hope we all have some good news here. 

[Adria]

Hi Momnthefog,

How are you doing? Hope you are well.

This is the first time I've been on in a long time. We have moved and have been renovating our house. '

This is a small house for dh and I, thought we were in the clear with our schizophrenic son, and now he wants to move back into town and our house.
We told him absolutely no in the house. We are trying to talk him out of moving back to our town as there is absolutely no help here for him anymore as he has burned out all the hospitals.

He wants to come and visit in two weeks. I am very nervous. I like you, just want peace, but it sure doesn't look like that's the way it is going to be.

Hugs to you, Adria

[momnthefog]

Adria,

Congrats on the move.  I hope the visit with your son goes well and short in duration.

Things with BPDd cycled (as I expected) and I visited my grandchild a couple of weekends ago.  I'll have her for spring break and a portion of the summer.  The grandchild is just a delight and at the age where she thinks grandma is super cool.  It's difficult to speak with BPDd especially after the last outburst.  She'd done it before, but this time, it was different for me.  It's as though something in me shutdown. 

Son has made a turn around and it seems to be sticking.  He has two part time jobs, is working with the resources available due to his disability and making plans for the future.  He seems to listen and take my advice when something comes up. 

All in all, I have more peace in my life than I've felt in years and years.  It's also due to the SO I have in my life.  He grew up in a dysfunctional family and is NC with his FOO.  He has gently listened and made (from time to time) observations about my life that have given me cause to reflect and think.  Being divorced for 10+ years (and having been married to an alcoholic) I've mostly been without a supportive SO.

Please keep us posted ..... so very glad to hear about your new home!

momnthefog

[hhaw]

Update:

DD18 now refusing all school.... it went from just Fridays, to Mondays, and Fridays, and now it's zero school. 

School bending over backwards to help.  DD makes plans, then flakes, and doesn't call to say she's not coming.

The T feels pretty badly about this, I can tell.  She's willing to go to the school with DD to help work school issues out, but mainly wants me to see a parenting coach at least 3 times to get expectations for DD18 back in place, and running again.... as an adult with duties in a household, and boundaries.

DD18 not behaving as an adult, but she's also not mean, or disrespectful... outright. 

DD tends to regress around me.  Tends to say NO to everything I say, as a reflex.

I feel like she's avoiding school, and the more she avoids the worse things get... it's a cycle.  I have a hard time factoring in the debilitating depression, and anxiety dx....... eating disorder...... I don't know how to navigate with those in play.  I don't feel like I can just take away electronics, and require she participate in the family appropriately with those things running in the background.  Her food choices aren't helping her goals to lose weight, or get healthier. 

I can SEE the steps she should take, and not understand how she does nothing but sabotage herself.  Eat healthier, move around, walk her dog, do her school work.... she can catch up quickly.... she's done it before.

Sometimes I feel like she's dead set on bankrupting us.... driving me mad, and hurting herself to harm me.  I'm guessing there's truth there.

DD's T wants me to set appt with parenting coach.

I set appointments with TWO coaches, and plan to bring youngest dd to the first one... just to provide perspective, and keep us on task.

Wish me luck.

[momnthefog]

hhaw,

DD 18, is she the one who went to the wilderness type camp?

Have you (or she) identified a reason why she wont go to school? 

Yes, yes....the more she avoids the worse it gets.....I used to ask my teens when they were in trouble when they were going to stop digging the hole they were standing in!

I hope you are able to get her back on track with the parenting coach.

Please keep us posted.

And good luck!

momnthefog

[Adria]

Oh, Momnthefog,

Thank you. I am so happy for you

It sounds like so many things have turned around in so many ways.  I am taking a sigh of relief for you. That is all wonderful news. 3 out of 4 ain't bad

Congratulations!  So glad you are experiencing some joy and peace in your life. You deserve it!!!

[hhaw]

Yes, this us DD who chose wilderness camp.  She stopped attending 10rlth grade, the sane way she's handling her senior year.

She said her ability to cope was holding until we went away for Holiday with family.  Cousins are thin,vand have boyfriends....DD is dealing with weight, esteem and now eating disorder....over eats, then goes without food... Binging, no purging.  She can't control it, but really tried.

That trip overwhelmed her, and she has eating disorder T, but DD nit attending school at all since T mentioned residential treatment.

T asking me to give chores, but I'm being held hostage by major anxiety and depression dx. 

DD continues self defeating food pattern.... avoiding school. 

Lots to unpack for her ...today she has appt with Prescriber fir ADD.  She was on meds for that before wilderness camp.  Revisiting it.... she'd capable if doing school work, esp with meds

[chowder]

Hi momnthefog, and all on here - thank you for asking - we are making slow progress with our dd, as she is living at home and trying to right the ship.  She made some very costly mistakes while in college, and she still needs to finish the last year to earn her degree. 

Her behavioral issues have gotten better, though last year Mother's Day was extremely hurtful - again.  She hid behind her closed door the entire day, grunted a Happy Mother's Day to me, and that was it.  I kept hoping for more, but it was not to be.  Then adding insult to injury, the following days she would tell stories of her friends who came home from living hours away to spend the day with their mothers, etc. 

It was then that I decided never again.  This year for Mother's Day I will be on a cruise ship.  It took a lot of searching to find one that would not be in port, either arriving or leaving, on that Sunday.  I wanted to be at sea over that entire day and night so that I will not be checking my phone for a call that won't come.  My H is supportive and will be cruising as well. 

Yes, it might have been a pleasant day if I stayed home.  But odds are....not.   Her past history has her dishing out the silent treatment on most holidays for one reason or another.  I will not leave it to chance,  and am taking my power back, come hell or high water. 

[hhaw]

Lord, my last post was a mess.  Stupid tiny phone keys.
Update:

DD had ADD evaluation today, and her scores were 97 and 98 percentiles for comprehension, and executive function skills... very high, but she's always tested like that. 

Her visual comprehension was 1 percent.   :blink:Something else was 7 percent, I forget what, but Practitioner said it was like DD had a learning disorder... it was so apparent.   Practitioner said that's indicative of trauma.  Suggested EMDR,  which DD's T has already discussed with her. 

Practitioner sees plenty of flags for ADD, so she prescribed tiny dose of Adderall... will see how that goes.

It's been decided that DD will ask for home bound schooling program, which she had in 10th grade.

Meeting went fine, till Practitioner brought up food.... everything she said I agreed with.  DD shut down, and cried.... then said that her eating disorder T (EDT) said  there are no bad foods (carbs in this case) and expressed distress specifically around my use of the word "poison" when referring to g/s/d choices over the last 8 years AND I DO FEEL THOSE FOODS ARE BAD FOR OUR HEALTH, to the point of being poisonous to our systems, particularly to DD who has food sensitivities she's tested for.

New practitioner went ahead and charged the 99.00 for the food sensitivity panel, which we'll do at a later date..... cost half if added to initial consult, so we did that, and put it down.  Practitioner said resistance leads to persistence.... we put it down.  For now. 

Practitioner will be speaking to eating disorder T..... I believe what's happening is FDT is referring to carbs as "good" foods bc she's also dealing with girls who don't eat/enough, or who purge.   Just getting them to accept food into their bodies likely requires language like that, but in my DD's case, it's willful ignorance.  Must get on top of that.

I feel better with a plan for dd getting through hs, and graduating.  I feel supported bc new practitioner intends to address dietary sensitivities, gut health, and yeast. 

We're trying new supplement for sleep.... DD said that her mind is sleepy, but her body KNOWS it's not REALLY sleepy when we give her melatonin.  Hopefully sample of NEUROSCIENCE KAVINACE  (Gamma?) will be helpful. 

The journey continues.

[momnthefog]

Frances29.....those baby steps sound like progress.  I love the way you handled the spring break.  Looking back, I rescued too quickly at times.  Sounds like allowing her to take care of this was good for her and you too!!!   Is she making plans for summer yet?

Chowder.....those plans for Mother's Day sound wonderful.  And regardless of if we are honored by our children....we can always honor those women who influenced and mentored us along our journey.  I always remember my grandmother on this day as my mother can be difficult at times....but my grandmother loved unconditionally.  I hope you have a wonderful cruise!

Adria....the new (and smaller home) sounds wonderful.  I hope your son's visit goes well.  Keep us posted!

hhaw.....home bound school sound like progress.  At least she will be able to finish the year.  Body image and bf stuff is such a pain for young ladies.  I wish they could see and feel what we older women have seen and experienced when we come to love ourselves and our bodies.   (But yes....I agree that a LOT of what we put in our bodies is poison b/c of chemical, food sensitivity, and the need for good gut health. 

I hope other parents out there will share their updates, glimmers of hope, or fits of frustration.....heaven knows we've all lived it (and survived it).

Hang in there parents!

And keep us all updated.

momnthefog

[Frankie14]

Momnthefog, we spoke too soon, my DD was kicked out of the temporary digs she found for herself after 3 days, and then charging her credit card (that alerted me) to her charging a hotel room for 4 nights.  She charged $300 worth of food and $300 for a hotel for those 4 days.  I called her and said FYI, that's YOUR credit card and I AM NOT PAYING IT. 

The Adderall has been a disaster, she was up gaming all night which is why her friend threw her out of the temporary dorm..she checked into a hotel time stamped 4:18 am..

I told her to stop taking it, it didn't help her ADHD back when she was a kid, it won't help now.  I know I will not pay for it.  I am also no longer paying the OON psychiatrist charging me $385/hour to Skype session my child/and put her on Adderall when I said its a BAD idea..  She's fired. My DD can get her Paxil from a doctor on campus.  Find a therapist there..

Summer plans, her summer roommate called me Monday to say while she can rent the room, she has to have a job to stay there.  There will be no sitting in the house gaming all night and sleeping all day...so I told her she has to find a job ASAP she gets home (BTDT and had 4 months go by she did NOTHING but game and terrorize my household).

My husbands sister is making a permanent move to Las Vegas (she is 53 and done and done with the East Coast)...my DD is tempted to go with, and we honestly just want her gone...her 5th year of college will start in September and the chances she EVER graduates at this point at very slim.  The GPA is too low even if she had the
credits, she is wasting all of our money and her time...she just turned 22...grow the f up already...seriously infuriating..

2 steps back, 2 steps forward, 3 steps back...its like it never ever stops...

HHaw, I might look into residential treatment while your DD is still 18...trust me at 22..I have no options left..and am mentally checked OUT.

Chowder, my DD has ruined more Mother's Days than I can count...ignoring me, no card, etc..since she was 18 tho she is at college the weekend of Mothers day coming home the following week, so she usually sends a text, but even if she didn't, at least I don't have to deal with her.  She ruins it for my 13 and 8 year old that actually care and are not PD disordered..

Saturday night DD text me at 10:45 to "send me money for pizza" and I said no, there are 5 dining halls with 2 of them open 24/7, she said I don't feel like walking to them, pizza delivers to my dorm, and I turned my phone off and went to sleep...

Not having it...so sick of it...it was bad enough having PD parents, but *this*...

That said being a non coming from PD parents, my tolerance for this is at a low..I could have been tougher sooner, but hanging up, and turning the phone off are your friends..and one thing that sticks with me daily is, we don't sacrifice the sick for the healthy and my little ones do not deserve this or to have their mother terrorized by their PD sibling..

Hang in there everyone...this is one bumpy ride...enjoy the dormant days...enjoy the days they just leave you alone.

*I also have friends that are literally counting down the days til Little Johnny or Sally comes home from college and I am here 5 weeks countdown to terror...dreading it. Invading my peace..I don't want it..I want peace.

[momnthefog]

..and one thing that sticks with me daily is, we don't sacrifice the sick for the healthy

I remember you sharing this before. I wrote it down and put it in several prominent places.  Those words have reminded me to refocus my efforts on me and the other kids.

I'm sorry to hear about the recent events and I hope you keep us posted and keep the focus on your younger kids as much as you are able!

momnthefog

[hhaw]

Thanks, momnthefog.  Your kind words are appreciated.

hhaw

[chowder]

Just want to touch base and let everyone know I'll be thinking of you this Mother's Day.  Though we've never met, we do share a bond and support system like no other.  The trials and tribulations we go through have brought us here, and many times it is the only thing that gets us through.   Be strong.  You are not alone.  Sending hugs...

[momnthefog]

Thanks Chowder......Happy Mother's Day!!

This is a special group of women who share a unique journey and bond.

May we all find peace and joy.

Momnthefog