Not sure what I want

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capybara

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Not sure what I want
« on: March 14, 2019, 12:08:50 PM »
Some background... For the first decade plus of our marriage, I thought uBPDH was depressed and introverted. He definitely had some red flags of anger which I just accepted as normal, but they were rare.

That changed in 2015 and for about 3 years, our marriage was very high-conflict. I had never experienced fighting like that in my life, and it was awful.

Now we are going to couples counselling and things are much better, and the fighting is much less. But the thought of trying to develop more closeness in our relationship makes me anxious and sad. I don't know if it's possible to come back from everything we went through. Should I try to get him to acknowledge how bad it was for me? Will it help me? Will it be unbearably shame-inducing for him? Or should I try to focus on the future and fighting to have more of my priorities in the relationship? Either way seems so difficult and discouraging.

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coyote

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Re: Not sure what I want
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 10:57:37 AM »
capybara,
It is a difficult situation to be sure. IME it really does not help to try to get a PD partner to acknowledge how they are making it bad for the other person. It usually just leads to a lot of Circular Arguments and gaslighting. I would suggest you check out the Toolbox. In my marriage learning to set Boundaries, not JADE, avoid Circular Conversations, and Medium Chill have made all the difference. I also keep in mind the 51% rule and the 3C's. There are some good books out there also which you will find in the library here. I hope this helps. Let us know how it is going please.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius