Unemployed uBPD sis has mom doing wedding prep!

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Zen_Warrior

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Unemployed uBPD sis has mom doing wedding prep!
« on: March 14, 2019, 04:01:39 PM »
Weeks after my uBPD sister got engaged she quit her job.  She says she's back in college, but it wouldn't be the first (or third) time she's lied about that.  Her fiance is completely supporting her financially (including paying for the wedding since my parents could only afford to help me with 1/3rd of mine, which cost 1/10th of hers).

The wedding is in 2 months (if it happens - she's called off 2 engagements prior to this one, but neither of those guys made so much money).  When I got married and needed some help preparing I asked for volunteers among my 100-something Facebook friends.  My sister apparently either hasn't asked her 1000-something Facebook friends OR no one volunteered OR they all turned her down because she keeps giving my mom new wedding-related chores (so far it's making and placing the centerpieces, making the bouquet, making and placing the favors, and making and placing the aisle decorations). With each of these chores she tells my mom something like, "The favors should arrive on Wednesday so you can start putting them together," and my mom's in shock because she never volunteered to put them together, nor did my sister ask her to do it. 

I've worked really hard to break free of my sister's crazy-making ways.  The old me would have volunteered to help my mom. The new me offered to get a drink with her before the ceremony (the wedding will be in the lobby of a hotel that also, luckily, has a bar).

The problem is that it's taking a lot of work to NOT feel anxious about my mom's anxiety! I'm trying to remember this is a learning experience for my mom and a teaching opportunity (emphasis on the optional part of opportunities) for me.  But it breaks my heart that she suffers so much because she wants to do the right thing and my sister takes advantage of that! 

Personality disorders are terrible!  It seems like people who have them are totally fine while everyone around them are the ones who suffer!
I'm trying, with the will of a warrior, to stay zen!

"Boundaries ensure that the consequences of a person's actions land squarely on his/her shoulders." -(I wish I knew who originally wrote/said this!)

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Bloomie

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Re: Unemployed uBPD sis has mom doing wedding prep!
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2019, 12:48:18 PM »
Quote from: Zen_Warrior
The problem is that it's taking a lot of work to NOT feel anxious about my mom's anxiety! I'm trying to remember this is a learning experience for my mom and a teaching opportunity (emphasis on the optional part of opportunities) for me.  But it breaks my heart that she suffers so much because she wants to do the right thing and my sister takes advantage of that! 

It is really hard to see those we love being taken advantage of by another PD family member. What helps me a lot in situations like this when I am over identifying with the choices and emotions of another is to ask myself: "What is mine to do?"

And in cases like you describe... so often, for me it is simply to be a positive and caring presence and let them figure how what works and does not work for them related to the PD family member whose behaviors they are enabling. So often I zip my lips and use internal boundaries to keep myself from ruminating on someone else's unhealthy decisions.

Good luck with this! Come back and let us know how the wedding goes.


Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Lillith65

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Re: Unemployed uBPD sis has mom doing wedding prep!
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2019, 08:54:23 AM »
Excellent advice from Bloomie  :)

Those of us with significant relationships with people with PDs often also develop codependency. Realising that others are responsible for themselves unless they are children, mentally ill, or have serious learning disabilities is one strand of getting Out of the FOG.

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Lillith65

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Re: Unemployed uBPD sis has mom doing wedding prep!
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2019, 09:32:41 AM »
I didn’t want any bridesmaids at my second marriage. My uPDS turned up with her toddler daughter dressed in a bridesmaid’s outfit complete with basket of flowers and head dress (she was 2 years old and hadn’t a clue what was going on). Another of my (now ex) friend’s (same age as me) did exactly the same thing - except she was dressed as the bridesmaid, complete with bouquet.

When I said to my uPDM that I was worried that my (soon to be husband) wouldn’t turn up her reply was ‘But he’s spent so much money on it!’.

I also had to beg my parents to look after my son (5 years old) so that we could have our wedding night at the hotel. Their reluctant agreement was ‘Yes, but you have to be back early because we want to go over your sisters in the morning.’. When we returned in the morning my uPDF started a row and threw my uPDM’s bouquet at my DH!

It still took decades for me to go NC.