grief is really setting in

Pepin · March 04, 2019, 12:11:02 PM

One of the things I am really struggling with lately is grief. The loss of DH to PDmil and her declining health is taking a toll on me. It is hard living under the same roof as DH and knowing that we cannot spend time together as a family on the weekends. This past weekend DH went to visit PDmil both days...and we literally got nothing accomplished. It was blah. We didn't have the time to recharge as a family because of those two interruptions. Sadly, the reason DH had to go over on Sunday was because he forgot to bring something on Saturday.

During the Saturday visit he took PDmil out for lunch just to get her out of the house. She has decided to decline Meals on Wheels...and hasn't been eating very well lately. She claims now that if she eats too much she will get fat...and this is hard to swallow considering that DH is the only one who is overweight...due to him being the GC that PDmil stuffed more than any of the other kids. DH knows he needs to work on his weight but he does not. I cannot help him....though I watch my own weight carefully now.

I am really starting to miss my husband....and I don't know how to tell him this without breaking into tears. I am really torn up about this. I am doing my best to stay busy and keep distracted....but again, living under the same roof and having him leave so often is hard. I am even finding that I am slightly withdrawing from DH....thinking that the more time he spends with PDmil, the less it will affect me. I have these horrible thoughts that if something happened to him, I actually would be relieved....relieved that if he were out of my life, that I wouldn't have to see PDmil ever again because I would cut her out immediately. I would liquidate everything we have and move far away with my children -- and that really makes me cry...because it is so sad that it has come to this. I really am miserable at my core....waiting for PDmil to expire.

My hair is falling out worse than it ever has before and that is terrifying for me. I struggle to hide the bare patches -- much like keeping myself composed in front of DH and our children. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going before I fall apart. DH does not handle it well when I cannot keep it together. While this is new territory for him too as his mother declines, he still firmly feels that she deserves his loyalty -- yet in my opinion he is unable to give it to her from a healthy place because that is how he was raised.

PDmil is denying help from all other sources that are big within the elderly which dumps pretty much all her needs on DH and one of his sisters - but mostly DH. I am very worried about where this is going....I don't know if he understands what is happening by her refusal to let others help.

Starboard Song · March 04, 2019, 01:07:59 PM

Quote from: Pepin on March 04, 2019, 12:11:02 PM
I am really starting to miss my husband....and I don't know how to tell him this without breaking into tears. I am really torn up about this. I am doing my best to stay busy and keep distracted....but again, living under the same roof and having him leave so often is hard. I am even finding that I am slightly withdrawing from DH....thinking that the more time he spends with PDmil, the less it will affect me. I really am miserable at my core....waiting for PDmil to expire.

You expressed yourself so beautifully above. Skipping over the part about if-something-happened-to-him, I encourage you to share that with him, just like it is.

He doesn't need to completely abandon his mother: you respect his needs, and his courage and sympathy are inspiring. Neither do you need to lose so much time to her, even at late-life moments that feel like such a crisis. You two -- maybe -- can talk about it in such terms of compromise and mutual understanding.. Maybe you can agree to limit the hours and occasions on which he cares for his mother. Maybe you need to limit talk of her outside of certain times. In exchange, you can support him and let him know his hell-or-high-water caring for her is honorable: part, maybe, of the reason you love him and miss him.

I suspect he is missing you, too. I encourage you to let him know how much you love and respect him. Let him know you're missing him. And please tell him how much you need to work with him on some compromise and some boundaries: because your mutual love -- certainly -- will outlive his mother. And it deserves at least as much care.

I am nearly crying as I type this.

My wife and I walked many and many a mile to keep ourselves together as we battled my in-laws and struggled through very different emotions and approaches. We made it. We survived it. Please please please let your husband know how much this matters. I am so sorry this lot has come to you. Don't let failure be an option.

NotFooled · March 05, 2019, 09:29:20 AM

For your own health and well being I would talk to your husband about how you feel, keeping it in will just cause more stress.

I went through something similar with DH's parents after we were married. I kept allot of my emotions in and really didn't know how to deal with it because I didn't really understand his families issues. Now I'm fighting cancer, which I believe was brought on by stress of dealing with his family, our toxic social circle and other stressful life events.

Pepin · March 05, 2019, 02:50:05 PM

Thank you both for responding. Yesterday turned out to be a horrible day. I cried two times in frustration.....once while I wrote the above and once later on with something else that happened. It turned out to be an equally horrible day for DH and he was absolutely wrecked at the end of the day with a huge headache. For DH, the vulture family members are starting to swoop in -- two that have no idea what is going on but try to mean well but actually are causing stress. As a result, DH was up for most of the night mulling over what had happened. While he has not given me specific details, I told him that we need to talk this weekend about everything that is suddenly going on. I am hoping that he will agree with me that our marriage is falling off track and that we need to take action to fix that, too.

PDmil also called DH several times yesterday (even during work). She first called to tell DH that she could not open her medication...DH told me that he intentionally left the bottle loose for her when visiting on Sunday so that she could easily open it. He was rather upset that she called him at work for that. Later in the day he got a call about the results from her MD visit....turns out she was having trouble breathing again and her top BP number was 220...but they sent her home with no change to anything. DH admitted that if things kept going this way that his mother likely wouldn't be around for much longer. While I feel sorry for him, what can I realistically do other than console him? I already feel black and blue for all the suggestions I have provided him -- some from this site -- all that PDmil has refused so that she can lock down DH to be her main caregiver...which takes away from his marriage, family and especially himself. The man I married doesn't deserve to be treated this way! I desperately want him back!! I just feel so helpless watching him for years get treated the way that he does -- and that he hasn't been able to put his foot down and say no.

I have often felt that upon becoming DH's wife, that it was my mission and pleasure to prove that I could and would care for DH through good or bad (I guess now is the really bad) and I thought that if I did this successfully, PDmil would back off and give us her blessing! But no...I tried to prove all of this when FIL passed away, too (7 years ago) -- went above and beyond to comfort and include PDmil -- but at her core, PDmil never stepped up and did any of the inner work that she so much needed to do during this new chapter in her life. She just wanted the rest of us to do the work around her and to keep picking her up... That is very hard work. No one can be held responsible for someone else's grief, yet that is what she wanted. She wanted to hold us all in her circle of grief. *sigh*

I made an appt to check in with my ND about my hair. It is just awful. Life is such a mess right now....why to PDs have to be such bad people?

Starboard Song · March 05, 2019, 08:21:44 PM

Be good. Be strong.

I wish you all kinds of wisdom and peace this weekend.

Iguanagos · March 06, 2019, 08:28:11 AM

Pepin, I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time. I don't have any good suggestions, just wanted to send you some support.

BettyGray · March 12, 2019, 10:19:54 AM

Oh, no!! That is all so horrible. It is so incredibly scary when our physical health begins to cave under the demands of these troll-people!

I absolutely dread what is to come as I know my MIL is still relatively healthy and with it, and that any health decline on her part will inevitably become a high burden on us. Stay strong, Pepin. So glad to hear you got to your doctor. I wish you and your DH peace throughout the stressnofbher selfishness.

Pepin · March 14, 2019, 11:11:57 AM

I was able to talk to DH a little bit about what I feel has been going on and it is hard to tell if I had any sort of impact. In a situation like this with an aging PD parent and a son that still has one foot in his FOO, one has to tread carefully.

It was clear that the burden of caring for PDmil as her health declines would fall on DH and one of his siblings as the other two live farther away and can provide no help. DH didn't seem to think that what he was currently already doing was too much for his schedule...and that he could handle it. I reminded him (facts) that his employer had just upped his travel and that we have a teen that will be in college in 2020...Yes, I am planting those seeds to protect myself and our children. The transition that DH and I are starting to go through knowing that we soon will have to say goodbye to our oldest has been emotionally hard-- at least for me. We are looking at a college far away from us (plane travel) over Spring Break and I seriously hope it opens DHs eyes a bit more. Our oldest is very serious about attending this college...as much as I would like for her to stay closer. Our time would be very limited with her and I would rather put our efforts into spending time together as a family rather than catering to PDmil.

Also, DH admitted that if PDmil's health continues to decline, that he would put her in AS. Seems that while he can handle what she requires now, he won't be able to handle too much more.

PDmil called our home the other evening

and while I cannot understand what they are talking about because of the language, I did hear the word Tylenol which means that they were talking about pain relief again -- which sadly, PDmil does not understand. She is unable to read a bottle and figure out the dosage nor can she call her MD for clarification or read any notes that were sent home with her from her prior MD visits. It is sad to me that she requires this kind of dependance on other family members like DH.

What does this mean for me? Sadly, it means that I am going to have to continue distracting myself from this...as it is a form of grief/loss. I will also have to double down on my boundaries, especially when DH asks if we want to get together with PDmil. To do this, I am going to flip it back on him and tell him that it is more meaningful for him to interact with his mom without the kids and I. We wouldn't want to get in the way of their conversations about medical care, comfort, etc. nor do we want to create stress since I am sure PDmil feels horrible about not being to be mobile, hospitable or on top of personal hygiene. What it comes down to (and I won't tell him this) is that I would rather stay home with the kids or run errands with them than see PDmil and lose precious time in my life and feel lousy because of it.

DH was complaining that his older brother had no interest in checking on PDmil or calling, texting, etc. In turn, PDmil complains that she is worried. I told DH that if I didn't hear from our kids, I would probably hop a plane and check on them!! -- but, that is just me. PDmil would rather complain -- and it sounds like that DH's oldest brother has always been the way that he is so why would anyone expect different? The other odd thing is that I sense that BIL really doesn't want to have a hand in anything to do with his mother but does like to tell DH what to do. DH hates being told what to do by his brother and usually shuts him down. Not going to lie but I think BIL really is just waiting for PDmil to pass so he can inherit. They have hardly had a close relationship for as long as I have known them. PDmil badmouths BIL all the time. Who would want to deal with that?

DH has a friend that is also going through struggles with an aging parent that is likely also a PD. DH is very vocal about what he thinks his friend should do...since he has shared all of this with me, it is now easy for me to mention it at appropriate times as I think it would apply to PDmil.

The only way to survive this madness is to operate on facts and distraction. $:-\$