I need your thoughts

[daughter of dysfunction]

I haven't been here in a while.  I need some help.  My anger disordered father passed away in 2015.   My codependent, very dependent mother has parkinsons.  My mother Is in a  nursing home now with some dementia and parkinsons.  When my father passed away, I became the family matriarch much to my displeasure and lack of interest.  I have a sister with substance abuse, a brother who can barely manage himself, and another sister who has Down Syndrome and lives in a  residence.   I also have 2 kids of my own-- 20 and 23-- and I'm a single mother with very little involvement by my ex-h.  I have been consumed with this family since 2013 when things went bad with my father.  I've badly been trying to step away from my mother and siblings for the past 2 years.  I try to focus on boundaries and  interacting as little as possible.  I've started dating a nice man about 2 yrs ago.  I plan to move in with him this summer which also helps to separate me from my family by moving to another state 40 mins away.

So....  I'm feeling a lot of guilt and anger.  My sister said my mother is crying to her that she never sees any of us.  I try to visit once a week.  I don't want to visit anymore than that.  I know I sound rotten but emotionally I need to separate from my mother and siblings.  I feel like everyone is grabbing at me and I'm drowning.  I have to handle my mother's finances because no one else is capable.  I have that all systematically set up so I can be left alone.  I'm very depressed right now because I feel guilty about wanting to stay away and knowing that she's crying about it .  She has a very dependent personality which matched perfectly with my father's dominating personality.  I know emotionally that I can't deal with anymore demands from this family.  And I have my hands full with 2 nursing jobs and 2 kids of my own. 

I don't know what I'm looking for from all of you.  Maybe I just needed to spew this out.  I don't want to be anymore involved than I am, but I feel guilty for wanting that.  I feel bad to hear my mother is crying, but I don't want to deal with her.  I feel like I'm going to go to Hell for feeling the way I do.    I think I just am looking for responses from others that are dealing with the disordered elderly and unresolved issues from their past.  Now we're expected to take care of these elderly parents when I just want to move away and be left alone.  If I never saw them all again, it would be ok with me.  But then I have the guilt that I suck as a daughter.

[SunnyMeadow]

Now we're expected to take care of these elderly parents when I just want to move away and be left alone.  If I never saw them all again, it would be ok with me.  But then I have the guilt that I suck as a daughter.

What you wrote here is how I feel in my situation. My uPDmom is expecting me to handle her life when my stepdad passes. I don't want to either and like you wrote, I'll have guilt that I suck as a daughter!! It's a terrible feeling.

In my opinion, you visiting once a week is more than enough. You handling her finances is a big contribution to your mother's care.

It's sad that your mom is crying about her situation. But keep in mind what my mom does, she cries when she thinks it will get the results she wants. She's cried to me that she thinks "grown children should talk to their parents at LEAST 3 TIMES A WEEK!"    After I heard that I reduced the times I talked to her. How dare she try to manipulate me with angry statements like that. I can't barely stand to talk to her once a week and she thinks I should call three times a week? No thank you.

I think it would be in your best interest not to hear about it. How about tell sis not to mention any of that to you? You moving 40 minutes away will be good. It won't be expected that you can run over as easily.

I don't have answers how to deal with the guilt of it all. That's why I keep reading and posting here, I need ideas! I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.

[daughter of dysfunction]

Thank you for your thoughts.  I think my biggest issue is that I've done my work.  I've learned about boundaries.  I've stepped away from it all.  I feel like everyone is all set.  I have my own family to take care of.  I've worked hard to realize my triggers, understand what I'm feeling, and try to be fair with what and why I'm feeling something.  I stay away because it triggers ruminating thoughts and brings up old hurts that I wish would stop rambling around in my brain.  I'm ok when I stay away.  But the guilt I feel and then the anger, is awful.  I want to be left alone by all of them.  I was thinking earlier today that I should have moved far away decades ago.  Now I'm stuck.  I'm so resentful and then feel like a real shit because the woman does have parkinsons and dementia.  But every time a demand is made on me, I just obsess about old hurts from years ago. 

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

You do *not* suck as a daughter!  As a matter of fact, I'd call you a *GOOD DAUGHTER* for all the things you do for her!   

That's right - you are a *good daughter!*   

About your mother crying to your sister that she never gets to see anybody - I agree with SunnyMeadow.  Ask your sister to please keep that kind of information to herself, because it does no good.

And you know what?  Even if you were there several hours a day, every day, there's a pretty good chance your mom would say the same thing, because *she doesn't know how to be happy, and doesn't want to be.*   

She thinks it's *your* job to make her happy and manage her emotions, when that's not true.  That's HER job.  She can socialize with the other residents and take part in the activities the facility offers, or sit and wail that nobody visits her - but that choice is *hers.*   

If you don't want to visit, don't visit.  It's as simple as that.  If a few hours, once a month is all you can manage (if that), then that's all you can  manage - and if your mom complains to you (or your sister) about it, I'd make a point to visit even *less.*

That's the consequence.  She gripes?  You cut back on visiting even further.   

If your mom wants to know or demands to know why you're not visiting as much, tell her you are BUSY, which is *true.* 

Don't tell her what you're busy with -  I used to say, "Oh, you know, the usual..."   "You know how it is -never a dull moment around here..."  "Ah, the typical stuff.  I don't want to bore you..."

Remember:  what you don't tell her, can't be used against you later. 

UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray (my so-called "parents") used to gripe that they were lonely, bored and old, on a pretty regular basis.     

I'd say, "That's a shame..." - and change the subject to gardening or the weather. 

They drove pretty much everybody - including me - from their lives, then had the nerve to complain about it? 

I'd lower contact every time  heard it.  I was VVVLC with Didi before she died (never visited, called rarely, didn't go to her deathbed, skipped the wake and the funeral), and VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVLC with Ray, after I dehoarded the house.

He's now in a memory care unit (not by choice - he overplayed his hand in trying to get me over there to be his slave, and got himself declared incompetent instead!   ) - and I'm NC. 

I've never felt a moment of guilt, or like I've done anything wrong - I took back my life, and put their needs on the back burner, where they really belonged.   

You can do the same thing, too - your mom is in a safe environment, getting the care she needs, instead of what she thinks she deserves from you, and she can make the best of her situation, or sit and stew and wail about it, making herself and everybody around her - including you - miserable.

That's on *her* - not you. 

If she chooses to be miserable, you don't have to put up with it, or DO anything about it except *go about and live your life to the fullest.*   

[Boat Babe]

 

[daughter]

You've done far more for your mother than your siblings, than most other people, so acknowledge that to yourself.  You can only provide so much support for your mother, without harming yourself.  It's not your duty, nor your responsibility, to "make mom happy"; she's housed, fed, and maintained in reasonable fashion for her age and condition, and that's good enough.  Your mother is responsible for her feelings, for attending to her emotional needs, NOT YOU, and she's ultimately responsible for how she acclimates to her present situation, NOT YOU.

Many of us Dutiful Daughters have "done for" far more for our parents than they ever did for us, complying with their expectations and demands, diligently attending to their needs and commands, while selflessly pushing-back on our own preferences, priorities, and desires.  You can attend to your mother's needs from remote location, even without the weekly visits, even without increasing your visit-counts, once you embrace notion that your mother is only ONE RESPONSIBILITY on your PLATE OF MANY RESPONSIBILITIES, that she doesn't trump any other responsibility.  And your own welfare, your own happiness-fulfillment, is on that same "plate".  Don't ignore your own needs and preferences.   

[lkdrymom]

You want validation that you have done enough.  You have.  Visiting once a week is A LOT.  You will never make her happy.  You could visit every day and she still would not be satisfied.  Do what you are comfortable doing and do no more. It is not your job to right the lives of your mother and siblings.  We are all responsible for our own happiness.  You have a shot at yours and you need to go for it.

[Juniperberry]

I try to visit once a week. 
I have to handle my mother's finances because no one else is capable.  I have that all systematically set up so I can be left alone. 
I feel like I'm going to go to Hell for feeling the way I do

1. Visiting once a week is absolutely enough and honestly quite a gift given your relationship history.
2.  Ditto for handling her finances.  You do not HAVE to, you choose to, and that is a huge gift to your mother. 
3. There are lots of people such as myself who do not believe in hell.  Personally I think it's a control tactic that was designed to use guilt to manipulate the masses to behave and not cause problems for those who were in authority. 
Are you a Christian?  I'm not, but if you are, the Bible is very clear that the ticket to Heaven is believing in the resurrection of Christ.  If you are a Christian, then maybe it will be helpful to you to remind yourself that nothing you do or do not do for your mom has any bearing on you going to heaven.  Even Christian doctrine fully separates you from her when it comes to heaven-worthiness.  I hope that helps. 

[spring13]

I think visiting her once a week is generous given how you feel and how busy you are and the history that you are processing. Stepping back a bit seems like a good idea for your health and well-being.

I am glad you are moving farther away. Please try to give yourself permission to focus more on what/who brings joy to your life. Your happiness is important. You are not responsible for your mom's feelings.

It sounds like you have done a lot of work and some boundary reinforcement might be in order. Good luck.

[Iguanagos]

For many of us, me included, once a week would be WAY too much.  That's very generous of you IMO. 

Our PD parents often twist the responsibility contract backwards.  They were responsible for us when they brought us into the world as helpless infants.  It was their legal and moral responsibility to raise us properly.  We did not enter into a contract as an infant, promising to "pay them back" later.  That's not how it works.  Parents raise their children, and once those children become adults, they then raise their own children, paying it forward.

Once we are an adult, we owe the rest of the world absolutely nothing.  Your mother has lived her life expecting people to be responsible for her.  That is her mistake.  You didn't cause that.  She wants you to feel responsible for her needs.  I am pretty sure she doesn't even see you as a complete individual person with your own life, family, wants and needs.  She sees herself as the sun and everyone else as planets revolving around her, who can serve her in some way.  Her own needs are paramount and yours aren't even valid.  That's twisted.

This is your time and your one precious life.  I'm sure it stinks to get old and to feel forgotten, but she has options and has chosen not to exercise them.  Oh well. You can't fix that.  You have made sure she is safe and fed.  That is going to have to be enough. You have the right to put yourself and your own FOC first and foremost.  We all have that right.

I hope you can feel empowered to put yourself and your own life first, as it should be.  Please don't listen when anyone else tries to judge you and characterize how you are living your own life.  They can think whatever they want, all that matters is what is important to YOU.

[linda123]

I was there, I remember how angry i was when my mother told me she had cancer. i had just started therapy for myself to fix myself  from  childhood verbal, emotional and physical abuse from my OCPD mother and now she had cancer. I felt so angry. Fortunatly, my therapist let me call him, when I had to go out of state to see her, in her final days. She was consistent to the end, unable to express words of love to me, her last words to me, after I expressed my gratitude to her, was " you are so disorganized.".   I can smile now. I did a lot of work on myself during those years while dealing with her diagnosis.: stage 3 colon cancer.

You are not alone, i am glad there is a topic of PD elderly parents, because the abuse never ends, I have my father who is still alive, thankfully i live 1200 miles away, but physical distance does not put an end to the negative thoughts about my father. So far, I have gone the longest time without talking to him on phone.  2 months, and I feel a little better.  I pray for him, when i  am tempted to call  him.   

[artfox]

Oh, I know the guilty-resentful-angry-guilty cha-cha so well. It sounds like intellectually you get that you're doing what you need to do, but emotionally you're still catching up.

Remember that you deserve to enjoy your life. If something is making you feel bad, you have the right to eliminate or minimize its presence in your life. You've done a lot to help your mom already. She wants more (let me guess—she'll always want more, no matter how much you give—cha, cha, cha), but you're tapped out.

Reading your post about your kids, your two jobs (nursing! Hard, hard work!), your new relationship...you have a lot going on in your own life. You're not a bad daughter, or a bad person. You're a busy adult human who deserves to have time to take care of herself and feel happy and relaxed whenever possible.

I think this is a fake it till you make it situation. Do what you need to do. Feel your feelings about it, and remind yourself that you're doing this for you/your kids/your new partner, and that there's nothing wrong with that. Over time, your emotions will catch up with what you already know—that you're doing just fine for your mom.

[NotFooled]

My DH's Father had Alzheimers and my OCPDMIL and PDBIL were not able to properly care for him and he almost died of sepsis.  So DH put him in a memory care facility were he was in a clean safe environment.  Then shortly after OCPDMIL went into the same place.  Those 2 years were hell not because of FIL but because OCPDMIL and PDBIL complained, wigged and caused drama non stop.  They guilted and did there damnest to manipulate DH because he could only visit/help out once a week.  Now that FIL has passed DH is  LC.  He sees his OCPDM once a month if that and doesn't care to be around PDBIL.  At a certain point you just have to walk away.

The best advice I have is ignore your sister.   We now have PDBIL and OCPDMIL blocked from calling or texting past 10pm.  DH still manages OCPDMIL finances and taxes and  occasionally goes to the grocery store for her.  But anything he does for her is on his terms and his time. 

Your mother has dementia so  she may not remember that you were even there to visit.  I would remind your sister of this.  If she's anything like DH's family she won't face the truth about your mothers condition.  You can try grey rock medium chill or just flat out not take her calls or block her number all together along with any other family member that tries to guilt or manipulate you. 

As far as your mother, continue to do what you are comfortable with but remember she is in a secure place were her basic needs are being met.  Even if you were with her 24/7 she would still be emotionally and cognitively unwell. 

You are a good daughter for taking care of her finances, seeing that she is cared for and visiting when you can.  So don't allow the others to make you feel guilty.