She's beaten me down

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LindaLoo

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She's beaten me down
« on: March 15, 2019, 10:06:12 AM »
I don't even know where to begin.  I am getting nasty emails from my N mother.  I confronted her in a calm way about telling people in the town that I don't help her or visit.  A friend has been hearing this from people and my friend stood up for me. It's not just once, it's numerous times. Some of these people don't even know me or have ever met me. Mother likes to get people under her 'woe is me' radar.  She has that circle of women who flock to her and feel 'so bad' for her. One of them called me last week, saying "I can't reach your mother, she's been sick" I told her I had heard nothing of her being sick. Then she asked for family phone numbers to see what was going on.


Mother has been dying for years (in her mind)  She comes up with all sorts of disease's that I never had any Doctor proof of. Yes, she is old 83 but still drives and absolutely refuses any help in cleaning her house, getting grocerie's, etc. The thing is tho she won't accept help she goes around bashing me, saying I don't help her in any way

I visited not long ago. My husband and I just sat and listened to her 'woes' I leave her house a basket case. I attended a wedding with her, drove her home, went to a cookout in the Fall, yet I do nothing, don't visit :D She turns down any invite to my house or my daughters.

My whole life I have done for her since I was about 10 years old. Any surgery she had, I drove her, not my siblings. Yes, and doctor appointments too! I did stop when I heard she was bashing me to people.

I received the most awful mean emails yesterday, throwing anything and everything in my face. I remained calm.  Now I feel so beaten down by her that I feel like I need support. I feel nobody believes that she can be so mean.

We have been for two months helping our daughter financially and emotionally through a horrific relationship. It involves another N who is so emotionally abusive that we have called the law, now we have lawyers. It's just been draining but when I told my mother just a little about this situation, she had no compassion for me at all.

I don't  even know why I write this, it's hard to describe the pain, emptiness and great mental stress my mother has caused me. If it's not all about her, she's going to rage and be very very mean. I am LC but then I get "why am I not hearing from you" or "you seem to think there's nothing wrong with me" then proceeds to remind me of events that happened to her, how awful her life is!!  There's not one bit of caring about me. I know this is typical but the inside heart hurt is not understanding it


 
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 10:07:50 AM by LindaLoo »

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Starboard Song

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2019, 11:06:02 AM »
I don't  even know why I write this, it's hard to describe the pain, emptiness and great mental stress my mother has caused me. If it's not all about her, she's going to rage and be very very mean. I am LC but then I get "why am I not hearing from you" or "you seem to think there's nothing wrong with me" then proceeds to remind me of events that happened to her, how awful her life is!!  There's not one bit of caring about me. I know this is typical but the inside heart hurt is not understanding it.

Hey there! We get it! I know how it feels to be so utterly misunderstood in your community, yet feel "typical" here.

You have a real challenge: even an emotionally healthy 83yo gets hard to deal with. And we normally consider it our moral job to listen patiently to lengthy discussions of bowel movements, or racist tirades from the elderly, without complaint. And maybe email is an important medium for healthcare information and such. And there is precious little we can do to stop the low-grade smear campaigns of "she never even calls."

But you are not alone, and you shouldn't have to endure direct abuse. I would consider telling your mom that, while you two usually have such nice visits, she's been mean in recent emails. If she is feeling unhappy about anything, you two can discuss it very nicely, where it is easy to hear our voices, see our smiles. But you'll no longer accept emails about such things.

That didn't go so well for me, I admit. Four months after that sort of discussion (with a far younger FIL) we had to go way further than merely blocking their email addresses.

Good luck: in providing the care that you do, you are being one of the Good Guys.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 01:59:24 PM »
You are not alone LindaLoo. I truly could have written your post. I received the same emails, nasty, mean and hurtful.

The first email didn't quite do the trick I guess. I apologized for the tiny thing that caused her such deep hurt...from years ago. She didn't get the narcissist supply so then came an even longer email of the all the hurts I've caused her. It involved my children too, how ungrateful they are. That was it for me. I wrote back, she replied with woe is me and "you misunderstood" so I blocked her. I can't listen to her anymore. I feel less anxiety and nerves since I blocked her. It's scary but feels so much better than waiting for her awful, mean and hate filled voice on the phone.

I just replied in a different topic by Danie called Terrible Day (in the Dealing with PD Parents forum) check it out, the covert narcissist description is pretty eye opening. The YouTube videos mentioned are very helpful too.

I feel your pain LindaLoo. I'm also feeling anger at my mother and it's helping me detach from her. Keep posting and reading here.

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Sneezy

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2019, 02:20:58 PM »
LindaLoo - You could be describing my Mom as well.  Except my Mom doesn't understand email very well, so I hear most of her complaints via phone and in person.  I have started seeing a therapist to help me understand and deal with my Mom.  At our last session, he looked me in the eye and repeated several times "you are a good daughter and you are doing everything you can for you mother."  He says I have to believe this.  But it's hard.  Because when our parents are miserable, I think we all tend to believe it's our fault.  That's how they raised us.  They created the buttons that they now push in order to manipulate us.  We have been conditioned to feel that we are responsible for their happiness.  Ask yourself this - if you were doing everything exactly the same as you are doing now, but instead of being miserable, your mother was sweet and happy and content, how would you feel?  I'll bet you would feel like a great daughter, right?  Because you ARE a great daughter.  And you are doing a lot for your mother.  The one thing you can't do, though, is make her happy.  And that is what drives us insane, isn't it?  Hang in there.  Take care of yourself and keep those boundaries up.  Every time I visit my Mom, I repeat my mantra - "medium chill on, boundaries up, I'm going in."

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LindaLoo

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2019, 03:10:16 PM »
Sneezy, Yes, I used to feel it was my fault. I searched and read everything on N mothers. I realized it wasn't me.  I am having a tough time with her bashing me to others.  If my mother were ca sweet and happy, I would love to visit her. I just can't take the complaining, it's endless. It's not why I want to visit her or anyone who has such a negative personality. Thank You !

SunnyMeadow,  Your mother sounds so much like mine! She involves my children, this last time my brothers, but said to me how very much my brothers do for her. As far as my children, she gets mean about how they don't visit.  I was thinking that in my 45 years of being a mother, I never once expected my children to come to me. We always visited them. They do come on holidays, for cookouts in the Summer, but never once did I scold them for not visiting. My mother has never gone to their homes. They are 40 and 45 and never once did she visit.  I will go read the topic 'terrible day'  and I am going to block my mother. I did it before and she called my daughter my cousin in another state to complain about how I was treating her. Going to try again! Thank you!

Starboard Song, The thing is I never had any nice visits with her. The 3 hours we usually stay are all about her.  I am totally drained after a visit. I try to keep seeing her at family functions, and many times we took her out for rides. She refuses those now, so I did just stop trying. I felt so beaten down each time that she refuses anything I offer but, yet she bashes me to people for doing nothing.  There's no winning with her. Thank you!

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Starboard Song

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2019, 03:42:55 PM »
From the movie War Games, 1983:

Hello.

Strange game.

The only winning move is
not to play.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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LindaLoo

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 04:59:43 PM »
 :thumbup: The Truth Starboard Song!!

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Psuedonym

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 05:59:57 PM »
Hey LindaLoo!

If it makes you feel any better, mine tells my BF every chance she gets that I'm mentally ill, unstable, a liar, and have accused her of all the things I have secretly done. My BF! (Really well thought out strategy, there). So I can sympathize with you. Blocking her sounds like a great step. Also, you sound like an awesome mom.

 :bighug:

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LindaLoo

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 08:32:49 PM »
Psuedonym,  How terrible to be telling your  BF those things!  :(  It seems to be a pattern to beat everyone else down and never take any responsibility for things they have done.   Thank you, I have made mistakes as a mom, but my children come first and always will. I never will guilt them, or make them feel unworthy and will always validate their feelings.  :bighug: to you too!!

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freedfromchaos

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2019, 10:12:25 AM »
Just want to send you a big hug and support. My father is an N and he has bashed me to anyone and everyone who will stand there and listen to him. He bashes everyone who doesn't jump to take care of him as he expects. He expectations are so extreme that he expected me to live only to serve him, 24 hours a day.  When I had any needs of my own he was angry. To ask him to do anything send him into a rage.

 I gradually came Out of the FOG and realized how unhealthy our relationship was. I stopped jumping to met his demands, and started taking healthy care of myself. He became very nasty. Only an N would try to draw you back to devoting yourself to them with verbal abuse and doing things to punishing you :stars:! When it became apparent to him that I would not be serving him any longer he walked away, dropped me entirely, and tells grand stories of what a terrible person I am. The abandonment by him that I had feared from the time I was a very young child is actually a  great blessing.  Since then others who had heard him bashing me have come to me and expressed their support and sympathy. They saw that he is sick and he is abusive toward me. It was only when I was free that they felt it was safe to tell me.

Please take care of yourself, protect yourself, Love yourself. Know that while some people may believe your mother when she bashes you many do see her for exactly what she is. The more she talks the more she shows what she is.  Most people are willingness to listen to that crap for only a short time. Then they will start to realize that she is difficult to deal with and ungrateful for the help she gets.

Peace, Love, and Healing to you, LindaLoo.

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LindaLoo

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Re: She's beaten me down
« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 12:55:23 PM »
freedfromchaos, Thank you!  You father sounds identical to my mother! It is so true that when we try to express we have our own needs they rage! My mother has thrown some real fits!

I'm so sorry your father has bashed you and told stories. It is true that some people will believe(like my mother's group of women friends) and some won't believe it.  I've been trying to come Out of the FOG for many years. I do great until I hear she's bashing me, then I get very angry.  I went a solid year without seeing her, then a family event came up that I could not get out of (a wedding)  and I had to see her.

My best friend has stood up to my mother in the community they live in.  I'm just a few miles away. My friend has even heard my mother bashing me there.  I decided the other day I'd had enough so I confronted her. Mistake I know but it felt good to get it off my chest!  That's when the mean emails started, accusing me of so many things. Then she said "just forget I exist" so I will. Shes not a mother..not even close!

It would be a blessing if she would abandon me. I'm glad you have some relief from your father's harsh and mean treatment of you. I never could understand treating us this way, but they are very sick.  I remember back to childhood my mother raging at people in our small community. I knew she was sick back then.  I'm sorry for your pain too :(

 :bighug: