When does one feel better?

[Relieved333]

...Does it ever happen?  It's been over 2 years since I've spoken to my parents. I was doing well, I thought.

I haven't seen my extended family in over 2 years as well... mainly because they all live near my parents. We're a 5 hour plane ride away.

My cousins and others are having babies, relatives are getting older and I'd like to see them. But I know if I plan to visit them, my parents will get involved, probably even show-up uninvited, and/or possibly receive guilt from my parents' siblings. I don't know.

I don't know what to do. I've been feeling awful again. Ruminating, becoming angry and feeling down. Being estranged from family is depressing and extremely difficult. No one really understands. I become envious of friends when they tell me their parents are visiting and are really involved with their children, they have a lunch date with their sibling, holidays are family- oriented and fun/warm...

How do you all handle this?

[Starboard Song]

If you thought you were doing well, you were for a while. Celebrate that. It's just a bumpy ride. The problems you are talking about are one of the critical reasons why VLC can be preferable to NC: VLC avoids the outright war that can cause so much collateral damage. But I am right there with you: sometimes NC is the only viable path. It was for us.

We're currently going through one of the trauma times: dealing with both death and a wedding in the family. And it is hard to participate naturally and fully because of our estrangement.

We try to remember always that most of the family is innocently caught in the middle, and be ever so generous to them. But after that, sadly, there is still just some loss. I've learned no way to cover that up. It is loss. And we have to be honest about that, I guess.

We do work harder on our FOC, and arrange special occasions that break the old holiday menu: choose turkey / ham, choose dad's / grandpa's, and choose sleep on couch / hotel. That menu is depressing when you can't be a part of it. So we now get out of town for special occasions.

Good luck. You can do it. It is really hard, though. Actually hard. So it is ok and natural for it to feel hard.

[AMC]

I can really relate to this post, as am in a similar position of crashing after thinking I was doing much better. Although I haven't been NC for as long a period as you described, I can see how there isn't a straight line from the decision to go no contact and having less intense feelings.

I think this is because life is so varied and there are so many things that occur in cycles, as well as once off (births, deaths etc.). I am learning to stop and recognise my pain and grief when it turns up, even though it is the last thing I want to be reminded of.

I also spend a lot of time worrying about future family events and how I can be involved. I agree, that other family often end up getting caught in the middle and estrangement makes it harder for everyone. Knowing that I deserve to be there, even if I can't always actually turn up is important for my sense of worth, and working with family members to suss out the situation if at all possible allows for the possibility of attending some events.

Nothing compares to what resulted in the decision to go NC. Keeping this in mind, helps me to focus my energy on creating a new chosen family and community. It is very hard, but the only way I stay focused on the light and possibility of the future, rather than only singling in on the loss and grief of, in my case, my mother (and the family ties that go with her).

I hope you can find a way through the pain, and not give yourself grief for experiencing the recurring realisation of your loss, which hurts.

[all4peace]

Relieved333, I'm sorry for your pain.

After 3+ years of coming Out of the FOG, here's what I've come to believe: Life can be difficult, repeatedly, for our whole lives. It is also beautiful and joyful. I think that having uncomfortable and painful feelings is simply part of the human condition, and I'm trying to settle into that and accept it. I used to think I'd be "healed" and no longer feel hurt over the state of my relationship with my parents. But I think I will simply hurt less, for less time, and less frequently.

So what I'm trying to say is that I believe it is very normal and healthy to cycle through times of feeling the pain again. Let it flow through (rather than stuffing it down; or ruminating and getting stuck). Acknowledge it, accept how normal it is, and then when you're "done" with that feeling, re-focus on all that is good in your life, or go put energy into making more good in your life.

[daughter]

I'm NC for nearly 7 years, finally doing so in my mid-50s.  I'm quite content, whether that's due to my own Out of the FOG experiences, my post-menopausal age (believe me, I don't suffer fools gladly anymore), or my therapist's own resolve that I "did what needed to be done".  Therapy and Out of the FOG reflection definitely helps.  My NBM and enNF had already long disengaged us, my small FOO Family (my parents and GC nsis' family), from extended family, and their abusiveness towards me, their "dutiful daughter" SG, truly was inexcusable and overtly unpleasant.  So I've had a relatively easy transition (our oldest DS, then college student w/Aspergers, remained in contact, to become my parents' "pawn", and their method of attempting to hurt me even post-NC, so DS has likely suffered the most emotional pain due to his divided allegiances).

I think if you're frankly honest with yourself, the reasons that you are NC remain legitimate reasons to maintain NC.  For most of us, our NC decision was penultimate decision, given circumstances where we simply couldn't continue to passively enable our parents' persistent bad behavior, where are continued presence in their lives caused too much emotional trauma to us.  We aren't under obligation to self-sacrifice ourselves to our parents' expectations and demands.  Sometimes the most "loving" thing we can do for our parents is to quit contact with our parents, to curtail their instinct to cause harm, to diminish us with their rage and rancor.  Therapy, journalling, and such self-reflection certainly help.  My parents' post-NC bad behavior certainly reinforced my NC resolve.

Contact with members of your extended family may, in fact, reveal that these relatives were aware of your parents' bad behavior and self-entitlement.  You may be surprised.  Many folks observe without comment, feeling it's not "their place to intervene".  This was also my experience, when I contacted NBM's SG sister's family.

[Relieved333]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Thank you, Starboard Song. I really appreciate your advice. Sometimes I wish I went VLC but then I remember how hurtful my mother was. My father was as well... he's the master of silent treatments, blame, and criticism.

Yes, AMC.. It does hurt. We do have friends, thankfully. Of course, when the holidays come around, they are with their families.

Thanks, All4Peace. I also thought I was healed. I'm praying it will get better with time.

Exactly, daughter. And I'm so sorry about your son.   Non of my extended relatives found it was their place to intervene. They all know how my parents and sibling are but just push it under the rug and carry on as normal. A couple relatives put it on me.. I need to (again) move on and go back to their normal.

My mother wants to erase me but still wants to see my children. She doesn't want to mend our relationship or even have a relationship with me. She doesn't admit any fault, blames, guilt trips, gaslights, triangulates, disregards my feelings, all while playing the "victim".  When we did speak it was superficial with a very "I really don't care about you" tone... I'm just talking to you so I can see "my grandchildren" tone.

She has photos of my children on her facebook profile page, though they were from 2 years ago. It's the "these are MY grandchildren and I'm such a great grandmother" ridiculousness that really angers me. Meanwhile, I mean nothing to her.

If I decide to visit my extended relatives, I know I'll have to see my parents. They'll wind-up taking photos of our children, with our children, and pretty much exclude my husband and myself. Do I try my best to ignore it? Or do I try to see relatives and not contact them at all? Or just not visit?

I need to find a good therapist which is hard. I'm hoping I can find a solution.